"I love you in ways that I don't even understand"

Here's how I started out my summer I sent this email to Paul after weeks of thinking about why I had been delaying getting divorced. It was written right after he read me the riot act, saying he could not see me until I was single because it hurt him too much. This is from June:

--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:

> Dearest Paul,
>
> It was getting hard to say all I needed to say via
> text message, so I'm going
> to write you a real letter. Well, as close to real
> as it gets these days.
>
> I talked to some friends last night who made me
> realize that I've been selfish.
> I didn't mean to hurt anyone or do anyone wrong, but
> I think probably everyone
> has suffered because of my delay. I know that the
> kids know something is wrong
> between their mom and dad, and prolonging the
> inevitable is not saving them any
> hurt. I know that for you and them to grow close
> they need to know the truth
> and how we all fit together. I know that for you and
> me to grow close we have
> to be in a real relationship, where we plan
> EVERYTHING together. We have to be
> able to depend on each other and consult each other
> when stuff is happening. We
> have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
> time, and to spend quality
> time together, and a lot of it.
>
> The truth is that I am afraid. I know that you know
> that, but I guess I just
> realized the degree to which I am afraid as I talked
> to my friends and told
> them the whole story. One said "You might have to
> give up some expectations.
> You can't make everything exactly the way you want
> it to be." Another said "My
> parents stayed together for the kids and all we
> wanted was for them to end it."
> And another said "Your kids DO want you to be happy.
> They want to know the
> truth, too."
>
> None of this is earth-shattering, or even anything
> new. But I guess what's new
> is that I feel like whatever happens between us, I
> have to let it happen. If
> things work out, fine. If they don't I have to find
> that out, too. I guess I
> have been afraid that once we go full force with
> this thing, we will find out
> that we can't live together, or that the love isn't
> strong enough to weather
> whatever is ahead in the coming years. But my friend
> Kenzie said "My mom is
> always analyzing stuff too much. I wish she'd just
> let things happen and then
> just let them be." I do the same thing, but when
> that's the stuff you're made
> of it's hard to say "I don't want to be made like
> that anymore." I am still me,
> but I have to somehow let things go - expectations,
> the way I think everything
> should be, my imaginary live for my kids, etc. It's
> what you've said before, I
> know I know. But sometimes you have to learn things
> for yourself. It has to
> come from inside me, or it's just someone else's
> idea.
>
> Sorry, I'm rambling, but I miss you and need to tell
> you these things. When we
> fight, I feel like I couldn't possibly hate anyone
> more than I hate you. I want
> to kill you. When we don't fight, I love you. When
> we are really close and in
> love, I feel like I've never felt with anyone ever
> before. I feel like I'm
> walking on air, living a dream, in a magical place.
> What's more, when I feel
> what it's like without you in my life at all, I
> can't imagine it. It is beyond
> horrible.
>
> Last night I couldn't sleep, as usual. I imagined
> being in your arms, and it
> was like I was home. Even just imagining it, I could
> feel the warmth of your
> strong arms, smell your shirt, hear you breathing,
> feel you caress my hair the
> way you do. I can't live without that, Paul. I am
> doing all I can to get there.
>
> This is not the time to try to explain what the last
> months have been like. I
> wanted something different from you, but I was
> unreasonable in that desire. I
> will explain it one day, for now I just want to tell
> you that I have been
> through a very bad time, and I am coming out of it.
> I need you and I will be
> good for you.
>
> I love you deeply,
> Julie

Wednesday, June 20, 2007 2:37 AM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales" Add to Contacts

Subject: Re: hi
To:
Regular User Julia E. House

Dear Frenchie,

Having read and re-read the email below, I'll share,
as close as I can get, to how I feel about us right
now.
I cannot stand the fighting, yelling, name calling and
intense negative vibe that we have exchanged recently.
Please accept my sincerest apology for my part of our
most recent confrontation.
"I know that for you and me to grow close we have
to be in a real relationship, where we plan EVERYTHING
together. We have to be able to depend on each other
and consult each other when stuff is happening. We
have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
time, and to spend quality time together, and a lot of
it."
Living and building a life together, in real time is
all I've ever wanted. Both of us single or married to
one another is the way it has to be, whether we live
together or separately or even in the same town for
that matter. I just can't continue to pretend that Its
All Good, when I know that it is not, not at least in
my heart.
As far as our being able to "make it" as a couple and
weather the trials and tribulations of life, I ain't
skeer'd. I'm afraid that we may never get the chance
to try for real.
If you have been this way for too long to change, I
can respect that. I understand some of your fears and
others I can't grasp at all. You do over-analyze and
have expectations that only you can want and
understand. I can't help you to realize any of your
dreams (or mine) while you are entangled in the
current circumstances. I love you just the way you are
and don't want to change a thing about you. I can live
with your faults. I hope that you can live with mine.
That's where we will learn how to work things out
together as a team and a unified front. I promise,
that if and when you find yourself single, I'll be
there to help you pick up the pieces. The waiting is
and will be hard to deal with for now, but I think
that it will be far easier and less painful/stressful
than the cycle in which we now
find ourselves. No more, please.
I think that you are beginning to see that our future
together rests on your shoulders. How and when you
choose to deal with it is entirely up to you and you
alone. The only person that I can change is me. I want
to be your man so badly that it tears me up inside
knowing that I can't be. Just so long as it is you and
I navigating the unchartered waters of life and not
having to depend on anyone but each other to make
good, sound decisions that affect our loved ones, I
have no doubt that it will be more than OK. No more
pretending. No more living in two worlds and acting
like this is a normal, healthy relationship cuz we
both know that it is not. That's where most of our
friction originates. I want us to be real and
legitimate. Yes, I need you and want you too, but not
like it is now. You are always on my mind. Sometimes
good, sometimes bad, but always there none the less.
Obviously, I had rather go our separate ways as to
keep marching down this same road.
I don't know how to help you. I am reluctant to make
suggestions as a big-ass nuclear fubar'd mess usually
follows. You said it best when you said "sometimes you
have to learn things for yourself. It has to come from
inside me, or it's just someone else's idea." Could
not agree more. There is nothing wrong with having
goals and expectations in one's life as long as they
are real, attainable and flexible enough to withstand
the obstacles and curve balls that this life
inevitably sends our way. Again, as you said, these
are things that should be discussed and acted upon
when we are in a real relationship. Part of the growth
process to which you refered.
This last year and a half has been murder on me
emotionally, and I know that it isn't any easier on
you. I agree with you.
I still want to be your man. I love you in ways that I
don't even understand.

One day - Paul

**
That's the man I loved. That's the man I waited all summer for. That's someone I knew.

Here's how it ended. I knew something was wrong, but he continued to assure me that our separation was purely because he could not bear being around me if he couldn't have me for real, single, legal, legit. But I knew; in my heart, I knew. Notice that I ask him outright if there's someone else. This is from September:

--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:

> Okay, dude. You say you don't understand why I "keep
> communicating" with you
> when you've "told me" not to. I am here to say that
> I guess the reason is that
> I don't understand how you can keep away from me for
> this long. Given the
> passion of our relationship for two and a half
> years, it scares me shitless
> that you can turn it all off. Then I start thinking
> that the only thing that
> could explain it is that you are no longer in love
> with me and are involved
> with another woman. You see where my mind goes, and
> it's not pretty for you or
> for me.
>
> It made sense, even though it was impossibly hard,
> to have no contact up until
> I filed for divorce, because for all you knew I was
> gonna be a flake and not do
> anything at all. You had every right to protect
> yourself and give me a kick in
> the ass at the same time into taking action.Well,
> now I have. The papers are
> happily ensconced at the Dekalb County Courthouse,
> waiting their turn in line.
> I will be divorced before three more weeks are out.
> But I have gone as long as
> I can possibly go wondering what our future holds.
> The fact that you can
> pretend that someone named Julie was never in your
> life is more than I can
> stand. It scares me more than you know. I need
> something from you, Paul,
> whether you understand it or not, whether you can
> see even a tiny bit where I'm
> coming from or not. I'll explain it one day if you
> want to hear, but for now
> I'm just going to ask you.
>
> Tell me that you are still in love with me. Tell me
> that you are not involved
> with another woman. Tell me that you hurt being
> apart from me for so long. Tell
> me that you need me in your life. Tell me ANYTHING
> so that I know you are still
> my man, otherwise I can't make it till the end of
> September. I have used up all
> my reserves to get this far. The combined stress of
> not knowing where my life
> is going now (you know how that feels, right?) and
> not knowing if you stil want
> me to be your woman is too much for me. I need this
> from you, Paul. Just tell
> me where it stands.
>
> I agree we should not see each other until I'm
> single. I won't push that. I
> understand why we can't be together till that time,
> but I need to know from you
> that we are going to try to be together then, and
> that you are not using this
> time as a way to gradually and quietly break up with
> me. Please give me the
> peace that I need to get through this. I was there
> when you went through the
> fear and uncertainty of your divorce. Just give me
> this.
>
> xo
> French
>
>
Wednesday, September 12, 2007 6:12 PM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales" Add to Contacts

Subject: Re: Where we are
To:
Regular User Julia E. House

Okay dudette. For my own sanity and general well being
the only way I can deal with you while you are still
married is not to deal with you at all. The fact that
you didn't get all gung ho about about getting serious
about the whole divorce process till now hurt me to
the core. I know that you were/are scared to death and
worried about your kids and yourself, and that is
responsible. I'm hurt that you didn't/don't have the
faith in me as provider for a new family. Some of the
things that you've said to me in anger hurt me so
badly that I've yet to get over a few of them. The New
Years debacle is still ringing in my ears.
Anyway, I want to start entirely from scratch with you
just as soon as you are single. No bullshit, no games
and certainly no more drama. For me, this separation
is a matter of survival.
That's it in a nut shell. My POV, if you will. It is
what it is and nothing can be done about it at this
point in time. I'm waiting for the day when we can see
one another on a level playing field. Give me a call
when that day arrives.

As ever - scales

***
Wow. There's a change. No more "Frenchie." No more "Paul". Cold and distant, but nevertheless it sounds like he's there, right? Still waiting, right? Upset about the past but looking to a future together, right?

Wrong. He was living with Ugh. He was "talking to her" about me and about our relationship. She knew all about me; I knew nothing about her. He is a lying, cheating dog, yes, but I can also smell her influence in his words. There is nothing more lowdown than sidling yourself into someone else's floundering relationship, and that's what she did.

I am not in the wrong here. I did what I was supposed to do. I got a divorce. We were going to be together. Even though it had been a long hard road, the end was in sight. Or so he said, and so I hoped. Yet while he was writing that email, the fucking bastard was living with Ugh and "falling in love" with her (according to her) or "just friends" (according to him). Either way, he's a complete lying bastard. He hurt me more deeply than anything has ever hurt. I won't stop writing about it until I'm healed, which could be a long goddamned time.

I get so angry when I read and re-read these emails that I start to shake. Sandwiched in between the two of them is my summer, a summer from hell, a summer spent waiting, marking off days on a calendar, not eating, losing my shit, barely holding on till he came back to me. He told me he'd be there. He told me we'd pick up the pieces together. He lied. He lied. He lied.

All I've heard out of his mouth since July is how much I hurt him. He has never acknowledged how much he hurt me. Our relationship was very difficult and often explosive, but is was also full of possibilities, passion and genuine love. We could have had such a beautiful life, had he really been the person he pretended to be in the June email, - the person I loved. That person is not even real, or at least, not any more. He died three weeks ago.

Paul has never admitted any wrongdoing. His response to my finding out about dating the bitch since spring? "You can't cheat on a married woman." He has morphed into a cold, heartless bastard. I guess he always was one, according to people I'm now talking to, who say things like "Why the hell were you with him to begin with? He's a user. He's an egomaniac. He cares nothing for anyone but himself." Well, he goddamn had me fooled.

I am not sorry for being bitter. I have a right to this anger. What I am sorry about is that he will not apologize. He will not admit having done anything the least bit wrong. All I hear from him now is "You need to get our of my life. I'm done with you. I wouldn't come back to you if you were the last woman on earth. You stepped over the line now."

STEPPED OVER THE LINE???? Is he kidding me?

I'm sick inside. I guess that's fairly obvious. I can't shake it. I am scared.