I'm super busy, but wanted to drop in and say hi to my faithful readers. TONS of news but it will have to be posted after my trip to Athens. More later.
Showing posts with label Paul. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paul. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hellooooo
I'm super busy, but wanted to drop in and say hi to my faithful readers. TONS of news but it will have to be posted after my trip to Athens. More later.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Transitions and rituals
Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I've been really hurting lately and wondering if this hole in my heart will ever heal, and if I'll ever be able to let go of what I lost when Paul betrayed me. I'm honestly surprised that it's still with me to the degree that it is, even given the severity of everything that happened. And then I thought back on my friend Lukas and his tattoo, which he spent the better part of Saturday night showing me and explaining his motivation for getting. At the time it seemed melodramatic and a tad drastic, but talking to my therapist yesterday about it, something clicked in my head and it suddenly dawned on me why he had gotten that tattoo. I had been trying to explain to her how much of Paul I'm still carrying around with me, and that if I could just take this pain out of my heart and do something with it, I'd feel a lot lighter. I can't carry it anymore, honestly. Then it hit me...what a perfect way of marking the pain in a visible and beautiful way by burning it onto another part of my body, purifying it, localizing it, once and for all making it small and moving it away from my core.
All that to say I'm going to get a tattoo. I want to feel the hurt of getting it, and celebrate it as a way of moving on beyond the pain of Paul and into a new era. I can't carry this around anymore in my heart, honestly I can't take it anymore. So I welcome the pain and the beauty that I know will result. Now I just need a design. Here are a few I've considered:
Each of these knots represent either healing, unity of soul, heart and mind, strength or power.
I realize that the pain is not going to go away on its own. What Paul took from me is not the ability to trust someone, or to feel love again or anything trite and soap opera-ish like that. He took something deeper, and that's why it won't stop hurting. When we were together I was beautiful, young, special, irreplaceable and most importantly I could be myself. I'd never experienced that before, and haven't since, to not have to pretend to be witty or interested or interesting or anything other than who I am. I'm mourning that, cause I don't ever feel it now. I play at being a professor, or a student, or mom or a good friend. I can't get back the feeling that I can let down my hair, be myself and it's okay. I realized today that what he gave me was a soft place to fall, and most of all, the security that he loved me no matter what, and there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. I didn't have to BE anything, and it was okay.
But there was something that would make him stop loving me, that I did have to be on my guard, and when I wasn't, he replaced me. Now I'm stuck in that self-consciousness I've had my whole life, that if you don't act a certain way and say certain things people won't like you. It's what I've fought against my entire life, but Paul, whom I loved and trusted, verified it as actually and in fact, true. I don't want to believe that, because surely it isn't.
Despite the fact that a year and a few months have passed, I still am in the same pain and loss as October of 2007. I want to move beyond that and I need something tangible, a ritual of some sort, to mark the move away from that hurt and betrayal and into something positive, where I am the center of my being. I don't know if that makes sense, but this tattoo seems like the perfect way of getting there....burn it, let it go, leave something beautiful permanently in its place.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Unseen photos redux
The universe keeps sending me old photos of me and Paul. What is that about? Friendly reminders to remember the good? Painful reminders to remember how much it hurts? Something cosmic that I don't understand?
Anyway, here are today's offerings, thanks to Sunny Shropshire, who uploaded these today to her Facebook account. She and her kids met up with us on our beach trip to Seagrove with KO and Alan and their family. So cute! First is Paul with an unusually fat tummy:
Then Rosie, who is either playing Paul's harp or the one he bought for her:
And KO is in lovely black and white, for some reason:
And this one, which makes my heart hurt, cause once again, body language, baby. Why I look like a fat pregnant whale, I have no idea. I wasn't! This is Sunny, KO, me and Paul:
Ah, memories. I don't understand why people keep sending me these images, but I'm keeping my New Year's promise to remember the good, let go of the bad, and move on. Hard to do, though. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. KO and I had planned this trip for ages, and it was going to be my first family vacation without Sean. I was very excited about it, except for leaving Paul behind. Luckily, he decided at the last minute that he couldn't be away from me for a whole week, so he drove through the night to get to me. Awwww! Of course, the week ended on a less than sweet note, with him yelling at Nick while drunk and us having the first of several breakups. We made up, obviously, cause we couldn't bear to ever be apart. How did that change for him, I wonder...
Anyway, here are today's offerings, thanks to Sunny Shropshire, who uploaded these today to her Facebook account. She and her kids met up with us on our beach trip to Seagrove with KO and Alan and their family. So cute! First is Paul with an unusually fat tummy:
Then Rosie, who is either playing Paul's harp or the one he bought for her:
And KO is in lovely black and white, for some reason:
And this one, which makes my heart hurt, cause once again, body language, baby. Why I look like a fat pregnant whale, I have no idea. I wasn't! This is Sunny, KO, me and Paul:
Ah, memories. I don't understand why people keep sending me these images, but I'm keeping my New Year's promise to remember the good, let go of the bad, and move on. Hard to do, though. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. KO and I had planned this trip for ages, and it was going to be my first family vacation without Sean. I was very excited about it, except for leaving Paul behind. Luckily, he decided at the last minute that he couldn't be away from me for a whole week, so he drove through the night to get to me. Awwww! Of course, the week ended on a less than sweet note, with him yelling at Nick while drunk and us having the first of several breakups. We made up, obviously, cause we couldn't bear to ever be apart. How did that change for him, I wonder...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Unseen photos
Man, there's nothing like trying to get over a love, being pitifully unable to do so, and suddenly having someone post photos of the two of you that you'd never seen before. I was in FB today, and saw a note that Jackie had tagged me in three of her pics. As soon as I saw the title of the album they were in, "Halloweens over the years," I knew it was gonna be pics of me and Paul. And I was right. These two:
Plus another one of him I hadn't seen, from the same party. I think I must have taken it.
I remember this night so well. It was what proved to be our last Halloween together, 2007. I had found a dress at Rebecca's house that looked just like a playing card, and I decided to be the Queen of Hearts. Paul didn't want to dress up, of course, but he'd do anything for me so he agreed to be the King of Hearts. On our way to the party, which was at Rebecca and Jackie's friends house, we stopped at the liquor store on LaVista, across from McDonald's. Afterwards Paul and I later had a running joke about the guy who worked there, cause when we went up to pay, he looked at my costume and said "Oh! What are you tonight?" or something, in kind of broken English (Paul, do you remember what he said exactly? I can't...) and I said "The Queen of Hearts." He nodded exhuberantly and said "Oh yes, yes! The mother of Jesus!" and we bout died laughing. I'm still unsure what the disconnect was, but it was priceless.
We cut out all the little hearts and I safety pinned them to our clothes in the hotel room before leaving for the party. Paul (or did I?) painted the hearts on my face with an old lipstick, but he wouldn't let me put any on his face...had to draw the line somewhere. We had so much fun at that party, mainly because it was seriously the dullest party either of us could remember ever going to. We kept waiting for the fun to start, then realized that, um, this was it. After finishing all our vodka or whatever we had brought, we left. It was seriously that boring (I apologize if Jackie or Reb are reading this...it was!) We went back to the room and I remember having a fight about something, then making up and having passionate make-up sex for hours and hours.
It was a typical night for us, and I miss it so. I'm happy and very sad at the same time to have seen these pics of the two of us. I remember Paul and I had brought his mother's really old digital camera to the party for some reason (where was my regular camera? How did we get his mom's? And why?) and we took several pics, but never could get them uploaded. I'd always wanted to see the two of us as the King and Queen of Hearts, and I guess I got my wish. A little late, but there's something cosmic in the fact that they just now showed up.
It kind of kills me a little to look at these, especially that second one, where I'm tucked up underneath his arm, his hand on my hip. He always said that we fit together perfectly, and indeed, our body language speaks everything that there was between us. We were very close, in every way, and I have no idea where all that went. We were a part of each other, and that part of me that was his is just all broken to hell. How is it that he doesn't feel this split, this shattered-ness, too? This wasn't just a fling, it was the real deal. These pics verify that for me. Odd that they showed up today, when I've been feeling some things so incredibly strongly about him and me. I'll wait to see what it might mean.
Plus another one of him I hadn't seen, from the same party. I think I must have taken it.
I remember this night so well. It was what proved to be our last Halloween together, 2007. I had found a dress at Rebecca's house that looked just like a playing card, and I decided to be the Queen of Hearts. Paul didn't want to dress up, of course, but he'd do anything for me so he agreed to be the King of Hearts. On our way to the party, which was at Rebecca and Jackie's friends house, we stopped at the liquor store on LaVista, across from McDonald's. Afterwards Paul and I later had a running joke about the guy who worked there, cause when we went up to pay, he looked at my costume and said "Oh! What are you tonight?" or something, in kind of broken English (Paul, do you remember what he said exactly? I can't...) and I said "The Queen of Hearts." He nodded exhuberantly and said "Oh yes, yes! The mother of Jesus!" and we bout died laughing. I'm still unsure what the disconnect was, but it was priceless.
We cut out all the little hearts and I safety pinned them to our clothes in the hotel room before leaving for the party. Paul (or did I?) painted the hearts on my face with an old lipstick, but he wouldn't let me put any on his face...had to draw the line somewhere. We had so much fun at that party, mainly because it was seriously the dullest party either of us could remember ever going to. We kept waiting for the fun to start, then realized that, um, this was it. After finishing all our vodka or whatever we had brought, we left. It was seriously that boring (I apologize if Jackie or Reb are reading this...it was!) We went back to the room and I remember having a fight about something, then making up and having passionate make-up sex for hours and hours.
It was a typical night for us, and I miss it so. I'm happy and very sad at the same time to have seen these pics of the two of us. I remember Paul and I had brought his mother's really old digital camera to the party for some reason (where was my regular camera? How did we get his mom's? And why?) and we took several pics, but never could get them uploaded. I'd always wanted to see the two of us as the King and Queen of Hearts, and I guess I got my wish. A little late, but there's something cosmic in the fact that they just now showed up.
It kind of kills me a little to look at these, especially that second one, where I'm tucked up underneath his arm, his hand on my hip. He always said that we fit together perfectly, and indeed, our body language speaks everything that there was between us. We were very close, in every way, and I have no idea where all that went. We were a part of each other, and that part of me that was his is just all broken to hell. How is it that he doesn't feel this split, this shattered-ness, too? This wasn't just a fling, it was the real deal. These pics verify that for me. Odd that they showed up today, when I've been feeling some things so incredibly strongly about him and me. I'll wait to see what it might mean.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Thoughts for the Days
So my wonderful Myspace friend, Fiona, sends out a Thought for the Day every day. Somehow they are always right on target, in fact, often eerily so. Here is one from a couple of days ago:
Um, yes, less joyful is a nice way to put it.
But every time I read one of her bulletins, and think about how appropriate it is for me to get this message, at this moment in time, I start to wonder about our connection to the cosmos. Is there "something" out there that knows more than me, that knows when I need a message like this one, or an unexpected email or phone call, and makes sure I get it? Lately it seems so. I keep hearing just the right song at the right moment, or having two or three people send me exactly the same thought or idea, and I really take it to heart. But if that's the case, if some power from beyond is looking out for me and signaling me the right way to go, then why doesn't "it" go a step further and send me what I really need? Because all this hinting around, all these gentle pushes in the right direction, just end up frustrating me. What happened to me in October is much bigger than me. It's much more than I can fight alone. I need more than subtle hints; I need a real concrete solution.
I realized a few days ago that what happened between me and P. was so big that it requires big action. Going to therapy, going to group, reading about how to forget, how to forgive, how to accept, how to live in the moment...all these things are good positive moves in general, and are in fact, helpful for living life to the fullest and remaining healthy and strong. But I need something more. I can't move through and beyond the pain and sense of loss simply by accepting it; it's just not happening. I try to sit through the sadness. I end up still sad. I try to forbid myself from thinking about him. I still think about him. I tell myself he was an asshole to leave me the way he did. I still want him. I look at all his faults. I still miss him. None of my theraputic gestures has made me feel any different about P. than I did all along. I still love him. So I've got to do something drastic. I'm looking at several options.
Option number one: go to a psychic healer. I know nothing about psychic healers, but it's worth a shot. I'm to the point where an exorcism seems like a good idea, in fact.
Option number two: go to Sedona, Arizona, or Glastonbury, or one of those other places with strong vibrations. Maybe just by being in a very heavy place, I'll have a breakthrough of some sort, and know how to live without him, or how to get him back in my life.
Option number three: total and permanent change of scenery, like moving to Hawaii or something. I'm on the job market, and can technically go wherever I want to , if I can get a job there. The problem is, of course, the children. I can't take them too far away from their dad, but I so need to leave Atlanta, Athens, the southeast...I'd love to just give it all up and go away. Alone.
In the meantime, I continue to read, take long walks, think about (and sometimes even attempt) writing my dissertation. But in truth I'm just killing time. Waiting. For what? I don't know. But things aren't progressing as I had hoped they would. Damnit.
Um, yes, less joyful is a nice way to put it.
But every time I read one of her bulletins, and think about how appropriate it is for me to get this message, at this moment in time, I start to wonder about our connection to the cosmos. Is there "something" out there that knows more than me, that knows when I need a message like this one, or an unexpected email or phone call, and makes sure I get it? Lately it seems so. I keep hearing just the right song at the right moment, or having two or three people send me exactly the same thought or idea, and I really take it to heart. But if that's the case, if some power from beyond is looking out for me and signaling me the right way to go, then why doesn't "it" go a step further and send me what I really need? Because all this hinting around, all these gentle pushes in the right direction, just end up frustrating me. What happened to me in October is much bigger than me. It's much more than I can fight alone. I need more than subtle hints; I need a real concrete solution.
I realized a few days ago that what happened between me and P. was so big that it requires big action. Going to therapy, going to group, reading about how to forget, how to forgive, how to accept, how to live in the moment...all these things are good positive moves in general, and are in fact, helpful for living life to the fullest and remaining healthy and strong. But I need something more. I can't move through and beyond the pain and sense of loss simply by accepting it; it's just not happening. I try to sit through the sadness. I end up still sad. I try to forbid myself from thinking about him. I still think about him. I tell myself he was an asshole to leave me the way he did. I still want him. I look at all his faults. I still miss him. None of my theraputic gestures has made me feel any different about P. than I did all along. I still love him. So I've got to do something drastic. I'm looking at several options.
Option number one: go to a psychic healer. I know nothing about psychic healers, but it's worth a shot. I'm to the point where an exorcism seems like a good idea, in fact.
Option number two: go to Sedona, Arizona, or Glastonbury, or one of those other places with strong vibrations. Maybe just by being in a very heavy place, I'll have a breakthrough of some sort, and know how to live without him, or how to get him back in my life.
Option number three: total and permanent change of scenery, like moving to Hawaii or something. I'm on the job market, and can technically go wherever I want to , if I can get a job there. The problem is, of course, the children. I can't take them too far away from their dad, but I so need to leave Atlanta, Athens, the southeast...I'd love to just give it all up and go away. Alone.
In the meantime, I continue to read, take long walks, think about (and sometimes even attempt) writing my dissertation. But in truth I'm just killing time. Waiting. For what? I don't know. But things aren't progressing as I had hoped they would. Damnit.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Peripheral Paul
My dear friend C. told me today when I gave her this exciting “three weeks and three days” news that popular wisdom says it takes 21 days to form a habit. So what does this mean for me? Though I am not over him, I am now in the habit of not having contact with Paul. I am living my own life and I am healing. Soon I’ll make it to an hour without thinking about him. One day I’ll get to a whole afternoon without thinking about him. Then maybe an entire day. I look forward to that time. But these three weeks mark a turning point for me. Paul is moving to the periphery of my life, of my reality, of my soul. I still love him. Duh. I always will. But I can live life without him, as unnatural and weird as it seems. I don’t want to, but I have to. It is what it is, as someone used to always tell me.
I have a new love interest in my life. He will remain nameless, because I really don’t know where any of this is going, or if I even want it to, but I have a thing for someone. That is huge. I have to be sure it isn’t some kind of rebound, however, so I am not going to say anything more. Except that I refuse to pursue a relationship until I know that I can do it cleanly and honestly. I refuse to put anyone else through the confusion and lack of direct communication that I threw at Paul. This time I am going to do things right. So I am taking my time and not really doing anything with him, except watching. Having never been a “keep calm and don’t push it” kind of gal, this feels very freaky. But it’s the only way to live. I can’t make anything happen; I can’t make anything not happen. I am getting very good at going with the flow, and seeing where it leads. It’s too late for the person I wish I could have done it with, but it’s not too late for me. And maybe for my new man.
But you know what? It's total rebound. I don't even have to think about it. I can't pursue something new when I still miss Paul like a runaway freight train. I was browsing photos looking for one to put on this post and just seeing this one, taken in December 2004 in Athens, fills me with amourousness and warm feelings for him. He's my soul mate and it's gonna take a lot longer than three weeks to start anew with someone else. So the love interest may just have to chill for a while. Oh well, he won't know the difference anyway.
Happy Friday, peeps.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Pylon, 40 Watt Club, Tonight
Photo by ME!Should I go? Can I go? Is this a totally bad idea?
I REALLY want to see this show, but I fear the emotional fallout.
Wiser minds and hearts, please advise me on this. The show starts at around 10:00 pm, so I ain't got much time to decide.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Instant Karma
The more I think about this situation, the sicker I get. Can you believe ANYONE could love someone as much as Paul said he loved me and then treat me like a piece of dirt?
So I'm not thinking about it any more. I had planned to come on here today and address one by one the issues the Jolly Green Giant brought out in her nice email to me, but I decided, why the fuck bother? He has "chosen" her; good riddance to bad rubbish, or whatever the saying is. A friend of mine posted a comment yesterday on my last entry, saying "Wipe the dirt off your boots and haul the trash to the curb." I am doing just that. Another friend said "Just picture him sitting in her living room, listening to her shrieking voice with the snot-nosed toddler crying in the background...he's already paying for what he did." Even the brief maternal replacement she represents now, the free pot, and the what's-gotta-be-boring-as-shit sex (after what he and I had) are not gonna make up for the hell he's just entered. I can find solace in that.
So instead, today I am starting over. I have a new phone, with no memories of his voice, his text messages, or the pain he caused me attached to it. I threw away all the birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, just-because-I-love-you cards, anything he wrote and gave me...I mean "Frenchie"...cause that person doesn't exist anymore. I actually went to the top of Stone Mountain this afternoon and threw the silver locket he gave me for our first Christmas together - three years ago this December - which had a picture of him inside and has been my prized piece of jewelry for these past years, off the mountain. That was hard, but felt really good. I'm working on clearing out all the photos we ever took together as well as the million emails he sent me over the years, too. That might take longer, but I'll get there.
Today I told my therapist "I woke up for the first time in weeks without that knife-in-the-heart feeling. I think Paul has moved 1/4 of an inch further to the back of my brain." It feels good.
Today I also realized the real reason I hesitated getting a divorce, which was a kind of ton of bricks moment. You see, I spent the day with my twelve-year-old son, who's been home from school sick all week. We were riding in the car and suddenly I looked in the rear-view mirror at him and it hit me: "You saved him, Julie." It's true...the reason I didn't get divorced before now is that I KNEW Paul was bad news for my children. Actually accepting that thought into my psyche was incredibly freeing. But I did it. I allowed myself to really look at how he was with them, and it was huge.
Every time Paul was with my children he paid them the most minimum of lip service, then brushed them off. That is, when he wasn't getting drunk and yelling at Nicholas. He showed no interest in them as individuals whatsoever, but made token attempts at being their mentor by talking about what he would do with them one day...the eternal "one day"...build them a treehouse, teach Nick about music, show him "how to be a man" (holy fuck, that's a good one...I know more about how to be a man than Paul does), teach Rosie how to play the harmonica. I sometimes think he honestly believed he was capable of these things, but I always knew once he "had" me, it would all blow away, like the hot air that it was in reality. He wanted in - in my house, in my life, in my bed, in my warmth - but with none of the responsibilities that come with an honest, mature relationship. His way of operating - telling others "You go fix what's wrong, then come back. I might take you back and I might not," or "You hurt me. I was innocent in everything that I did. I won't talk to you about it, I just don't ever want to see you again" would never fly with me and my children. He's sad, truthfully, because he has no idea how to live or how to love another person. Just look at what he did to his daughter. But that's a whole 'nother story.
Okay, so maybe I haven't moved on so much. But I'm realizing that before this summer, I instinctively knew something wasn't right with Paul and his approach to the world. That is why I stayed married, as some kind of protection for my kids, I think. But what happened is that he played me, perfectly, since he knows how to manipulate even the smartest of us. By enforcing our separation over the summer, he made me miss him, want him, regret my actions and see myself as the bad guy and him as the victim. He put me in the position of the guilty party, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. So I think the last few weeks of agony for me have been a result of looking at him through those warped lenses, the ones I wore all summer, rather than through the truthful lenses that I had worn prior to our separation, in which he was bad news for my kids.
Don't get me wrong - I seriously wanted a real, deep, honest relationship between the two of us. I loved that man more than I've ever loved anyone before. But I think way down deep inside I knew that he was nothing but trouble for me and for my family dynamics. Had it just been the two of us, it might have worked, but never with my children involved. Since I have to be a mom AND a lover, it could never work. He doesn't know how to share, and no matter what he says about me and the kids being a "package deal", the kids would have been forced into second place. Paul always has to be number one.
So I guess in the end I'm starting to see the whole situation a little more realistically. Maybe that's the first step of healing.
So I'm not thinking about it any more. I had planned to come on here today and address one by one the issues the Jolly Green Giant brought out in her nice email to me, but I decided, why the fuck bother? He has "chosen" her; good riddance to bad rubbish, or whatever the saying is. A friend of mine posted a comment yesterday on my last entry, saying "Wipe the dirt off your boots and haul the trash to the curb." I am doing just that. Another friend said "Just picture him sitting in her living room, listening to her shrieking voice with the snot-nosed toddler crying in the background...he's already paying for what he did." Even the brief maternal replacement she represents now, the free pot, and the what's-gotta-be-boring-as-shit sex (after what he and I had) are not gonna make up for the hell he's just entered. I can find solace in that.
So instead, today I am starting over. I have a new phone, with no memories of his voice, his text messages, or the pain he caused me attached to it. I threw away all the birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, just-because-I-love-you cards, anything he wrote and gave me...I mean "Frenchie"...cause that person doesn't exist anymore. I actually went to the top of Stone Mountain this afternoon and threw the silver locket he gave me for our first Christmas together - three years ago this December - which had a picture of him inside and has been my prized piece of jewelry for these past years, off the mountain. That was hard, but felt really good. I'm working on clearing out all the photos we ever took together as well as the million emails he sent me over the years, too. That might take longer, but I'll get there.
Today I told my therapist "I woke up for the first time in weeks without that knife-in-the-heart feeling. I think Paul has moved 1/4 of an inch further to the back of my brain." It feels good.
Today I also realized the real reason I hesitated getting a divorce, which was a kind of ton of bricks moment. You see, I spent the day with my twelve-year-old son, who's been home from school sick all week. We were riding in the car and suddenly I looked in the rear-view mirror at him and it hit me: "You saved him, Julie." It's true...the reason I didn't get divorced before now is that I KNEW Paul was bad news for my children. Actually accepting that thought into my psyche was incredibly freeing. But I did it. I allowed myself to really look at how he was with them, and it was huge.
Every time Paul was with my children he paid them the most minimum of lip service, then brushed them off. That is, when he wasn't getting drunk and yelling at Nicholas. He showed no interest in them as individuals whatsoever, but made token attempts at being their mentor by talking about what he would do with them one day...the eternal "one day"...build them a treehouse, teach Nick about music, show him "how to be a man" (holy fuck, that's a good one...I know more about how to be a man than Paul does), teach Rosie how to play the harmonica. I sometimes think he honestly believed he was capable of these things, but I always knew once he "had" me, it would all blow away, like the hot air that it was in reality. He wanted in - in my house, in my life, in my bed, in my warmth - but with none of the responsibilities that come with an honest, mature relationship. His way of operating - telling others "You go fix what's wrong, then come back. I might take you back and I might not," or "You hurt me. I was innocent in everything that I did. I won't talk to you about it, I just don't ever want to see you again" would never fly with me and my children. He's sad, truthfully, because he has no idea how to live or how to love another person. Just look at what he did to his daughter. But that's a whole 'nother story.
Okay, so maybe I haven't moved on so much. But I'm realizing that before this summer, I instinctively knew something wasn't right with Paul and his approach to the world. That is why I stayed married, as some kind of protection for my kids, I think. But what happened is that he played me, perfectly, since he knows how to manipulate even the smartest of us. By enforcing our separation over the summer, he made me miss him, want him, regret my actions and see myself as the bad guy and him as the victim. He put me in the position of the guilty party, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. So I think the last few weeks of agony for me have been a result of looking at him through those warped lenses, the ones I wore all summer, rather than through the truthful lenses that I had worn prior to our separation, in which he was bad news for my kids.
Don't get me wrong - I seriously wanted a real, deep, honest relationship between the two of us. I loved that man more than I've ever loved anyone before. But I think way down deep inside I knew that he was nothing but trouble for me and for my family dynamics. Had it just been the two of us, it might have worked, but never with my children involved. Since I have to be a mom AND a lover, it could never work. He doesn't know how to share, and no matter what he says about me and the kids being a "package deal", the kids would have been forced into second place. Paul always has to be number one.
So I guess in the end I'm starting to see the whole situation a little more realistically. Maybe that's the first step of healing.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
"I love you in ways that I don't even understand"
Here's how I started out my summer I sent this email to Paul after weeks of thinking about why I had been delaying getting divorced. It was written right after he read me the riot act, saying he could not see me until I was single because it hurt him too much. This is from June:
--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:
> Dearest Paul,
>
> It was getting hard to say all I needed to say via
> text message, so I'm going
> to write you a real letter. Well, as close to real
> as it gets these days.
>
> I talked to some friends last night who made me
> realize that I've been selfish.
> I didn't mean to hurt anyone or do anyone wrong, but
> I think probably everyone
> has suffered because of my delay. I know that the
> kids know something is wrong
> between their mom and dad, and prolonging the
> inevitable is not saving them any
> hurt. I know that for you and them to grow close
> they need to know the truth
> and how we all fit together. I know that for you and
> me to grow close we have
> to be in a real relationship, where we plan
> EVERYTHING together. We have to be
> able to depend on each other and consult each other
> when stuff is happening. We
> have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
> time, and to spend quality
> time together, and a lot of it.
>
> The truth is that I am afraid. I know that you know
> that, but I guess I just
> realized the degree to which I am afraid as I talked
> to my friends and told
> them the whole story. One said "You might have to
> give up some expectations.
> You can't make everything exactly the way you want
> it to be." Another said "My
> parents stayed together for the kids and all we
> wanted was for them to end it."
> And another said "Your kids DO want you to be happy.
> They want to know the
> truth, too."
>
> None of this is earth-shattering, or even anything
> new. But I guess what's new
> is that I feel like whatever happens between us, I
> have to let it happen. If
> things work out, fine. If they don't I have to find
> that out, too. I guess I
> have been afraid that once we go full force with
> this thing, we will find out
> that we can't live together, or that the love isn't
> strong enough to weather
> whatever is ahead in the coming years. But my friend
> Kenzie said "My mom is
> always analyzing stuff too much. I wish she'd just
> let things happen and then
> just let them be." I do the same thing, but when
> that's the stuff you're made
> of it's hard to say "I don't want to be made like
> that anymore." I am still me,
> but I have to somehow let things go - expectations,
> the way I think everything
> should be, my imaginary live for my kids, etc. It's
> what you've said before, I
> know I know. But sometimes you have to learn things
> for yourself. It has to
> come from inside me, or it's just someone else's
> idea.
>
> Sorry, I'm rambling, but I miss you and need to tell
> you these things. When we
> fight, I feel like I couldn't possibly hate anyone
> more than I hate you. I want
> to kill you. When we don't fight, I love you. When
> we are really close and in
> love, I feel like I've never felt with anyone ever
> before. I feel like I'm
> walking on air, living a dream, in a magical place.
> What's more, when I feel
> what it's like without you in my life at all, I
> can't imagine it. It is beyond
> horrible.
>
> Last night I couldn't sleep, as usual. I imagined
> being in your arms, and it
> was like I was home. Even just imagining it, I could
> feel the warmth of your
> strong arms, smell your shirt, hear you breathing,
> feel you caress my hair the
> way you do. I can't live without that, Paul. I am
> doing all I can to get there.
>
> This is not the time to try to explain what the last
> months have been like. I
> wanted something different from you, but I was
> unreasonable in that desire. I
> will explain it one day, for now I just want to tell
> you that I have been
> through a very bad time, and I am coming out of it.
> I need you and I will be
> good for you.
>
> I love you deeply,
> Julie
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 2:37 AM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales" Add to Contacts
Subject: Re: hi
To:
Regular User Julia E. House
Dear Frenchie,
Having read and re-read the email below, I'll share,
as close as I can get, to how I feel about us right
now.
I cannot stand the fighting, yelling, name calling and
intense negative vibe that we have exchanged recently.
Please accept my sincerest apology for my part of our
most recent confrontation.
"I know that for you and me to grow close we have
to be in a real relationship, where we plan EVERYTHING
together. We have to be able to depend on each other
and consult each other when stuff is happening. We
have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
time, and to spend quality time together, and a lot of
it."
Living and building a life together, in real time is
all I've ever wanted. Both of us single or married to
one another is the way it has to be, whether we live
together or separately or even in the same town for
that matter. I just can't continue to pretend that Its
All Good, when I know that it is not, not at least in
my heart.
As far as our being able to "make it" as a couple and
weather the trials and tribulations of life, I ain't
skeer'd. I'm afraid that we may never get the chance
to try for real.
If you have been this way for too long to change, I
can respect that. I understand some of your fears and
others I can't grasp at all. You do over-analyze and
have expectations that only you can want and
understand. I can't help you to realize any of your
dreams (or mine) while you are entangled in the
current circumstances. I love you just the way you are
and don't want to change a thing about you. I can live
with your faults. I hope that you can live with mine.
That's where we will learn how to work things out
together as a team and a unified front. I promise,
that if and when you find yourself single, I'll be
there to help you pick up the pieces. The waiting is
and will be hard to deal with for now, but I think
that it will be far easier and less painful/stressful
than the cycle in which we now
find ourselves. No more, please.
I think that you are beginning to see that our future
together rests on your shoulders. How and when you
choose to deal with it is entirely up to you and you
alone. The only person that I can change is me. I want
to be your man so badly that it tears me up inside
knowing that I can't be. Just so long as it is you and
I navigating the unchartered waters of life and not
having to depend on anyone but each other to make
good, sound decisions that affect our loved ones, I
have no doubt that it will be more than OK. No more
pretending. No more living in two worlds and acting
like this is a normal, healthy relationship cuz we
both know that it is not. That's where most of our
friction originates. I want us to be real and
legitimate. Yes, I need you and want you too, but not
like it is now. You are always on my mind. Sometimes
good, sometimes bad, but always there none the less.
Obviously, I had rather go our separate ways as to
keep marching down this same road.
I don't know how to help you. I am reluctant to make
suggestions as a big-ass nuclear fubar'd mess usually
follows. You said it best when you said "sometimes you
have to learn things for yourself. It has to come from
inside me, or it's just someone else's idea." Could
not agree more. There is nothing wrong with having
goals and expectations in one's life as long as they
are real, attainable and flexible enough to withstand
the obstacles and curve balls that this life
inevitably sends our way. Again, as you said, these
are things that should be discussed and acted upon
when we are in a real relationship. Part of the growth
process to which you refered.
This last year and a half has been murder on me
emotionally, and I know that it isn't any easier on
you. I agree with you.
I still want to be your man. I love you in ways that I
don't even understand.
One day - Paul
**
That's the man I loved. That's the man I waited all summer for. That's someone I knew.
Here's how it ended. I knew something was wrong, but he continued to assure me that our separation was purely because he could not bear being around me if he couldn't have me for real, single, legal, legit. But I knew; in my heart, I knew. Notice that I ask him outright if there's someone else. This is from September:
--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:
> Okay, dude. You say you don't understand why I "keep
> communicating" with you
> when you've "told me" not to. I am here to say that
> I guess the reason is that
> I don't understand how you can keep away from me for
> this long. Given the
> passion of our relationship for two and a half
> years, it scares me shitless
> that you can turn it all off. Then I start thinking
> that the only thing that
> could explain it is that you are no longer in love
> with me and are involved
> with another woman. You see where my mind goes, and
> it's not pretty for you or
> for me.
>
> It made sense, even though it was impossibly hard,
> to have no contact up until
> I filed for divorce, because for all you knew I was
> gonna be a flake and not do
> anything at all. You had every right to protect
> yourself and give me a kick in
> the ass at the same time into taking action.Well,
> now I have. The papers are
> happily ensconced at the Dekalb County Courthouse,
> waiting their turn in line.
> I will be divorced before three more weeks are out.
> But I have gone as long as
> I can possibly go wondering what our future holds.
> The fact that you can
> pretend that someone named Julie was never in your
> life is more than I can
> stand. It scares me more than you know. I need
> something from you, Paul,
> whether you understand it or not, whether you can
> see even a tiny bit where I'm
> coming from or not. I'll explain it one day if you
> want to hear, but for now
> I'm just going to ask you.
>
> Tell me that you are still in love with me. Tell me
> that you are not involved
> with another woman. Tell me that you hurt being
> apart from me for so long. Tell
> me that you need me in your life. Tell me ANYTHING
> so that I know you are still
> my man, otherwise I can't make it till the end of
> September. I have used up all
> my reserves to get this far. The combined stress of
> not knowing where my life
> is going now (you know how that feels, right?) and
> not knowing if you stil want
> me to be your woman is too much for me. I need this
> from you, Paul. Just tell
> me where it stands.
>
> I agree we should not see each other until I'm
> single. I won't push that. I
> understand why we can't be together till that time,
> but I need to know from you
> that we are going to try to be together then, and
> that you are not using this
> time as a way to gradually and quietly break up with
> me. Please give me the
> peace that I need to get through this. I was there
> when you went through the
> fear and uncertainty of your divorce. Just give me
> this.
>
> xo
> French
>
>
Wednesday, September 12, 2007 6:12 PM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales" Add to Contacts
Subject: Re: Where we are
To:
Regular User Julia E. House
Okay dudette. For my own sanity and general well being
the only way I can deal with you while you are still
married is not to deal with you at all. The fact that
you didn't get all gung ho about about getting serious
about the whole divorce process till now hurt me to
the core. I know that you were/are scared to death and
worried about your kids and yourself, and that is
responsible. I'm hurt that you didn't/don't have the
faith in me as provider for a new family. Some of the
things that you've said to me in anger hurt me so
badly that I've yet to get over a few of them. The New
Years debacle is still ringing in my ears.
Anyway, I want to start entirely from scratch with you
just as soon as you are single. No bullshit, no games
and certainly no more drama. For me, this separation
is a matter of survival.
That's it in a nut shell. My POV, if you will. It is
what it is and nothing can be done about it at this
point in time. I'm waiting for the day when we can see
one another on a level playing field. Give me a call
when that day arrives.
As ever - scales
***
Wow. There's a change. No more "Frenchie." No more "Paul". Cold and distant, but nevertheless it sounds like he's there, right? Still waiting, right? Upset about the past but looking to a future together, right?
Wrong. He was living with Ugh. He was "talking to her" about me and about our relationship. She knew all about me; I knew nothing about her. He is a lying, cheating dog, yes, but I can also smell her influence in his words. There is nothing more lowdown than sidling yourself into someone else's floundering relationship, and that's what she did.
I am not in the wrong here. I did what I was supposed to do. I got a divorce. We were going to be together. Even though it had been a long hard road, the end was in sight. Or so he said, and so I hoped. Yet while he was writing that email, the fucking bastard was living with Ugh and "falling in love" with her (according to her) or "just friends" (according to him). Either way, he's a complete lying bastard. He hurt me more deeply than anything has ever hurt. I won't stop writing about it until I'm healed, which could be a long goddamned time.
I get so angry when I read and re-read these emails that I start to shake. Sandwiched in between the two of them is my summer, a summer from hell, a summer spent waiting, marking off days on a calendar, not eating, losing my shit, barely holding on till he came back to me. He told me he'd be there. He told me we'd pick up the pieces together. He lied. He lied. He lied.
All I've heard out of his mouth since July is how much I hurt him. He has never acknowledged how much he hurt me. Our relationship was very difficult and often explosive, but is was also full of possibilities, passion and genuine love. We could have had such a beautiful life, had he really been the person he pretended to be in the June email, - the person I loved. That person is not even real, or at least, not any more. He died three weeks ago.
Paul has never admitted any wrongdoing. His response to my finding out about dating the bitch since spring? "You can't cheat on a married woman." He has morphed into a cold, heartless bastard. I guess he always was one, according to people I'm now talking to, who say things like "Why the hell were you with him to begin with? He's a user. He's an egomaniac. He cares nothing for anyone but himself." Well, he goddamn had me fooled.
I am not sorry for being bitter. I have a right to this anger. What I am sorry about is that he will not apologize. He will not admit having done anything the least bit wrong. All I hear from him now is "You need to get our of my life. I'm done with you. I wouldn't come back to you if you were the last woman on earth. You stepped over the line now."
STEPPED OVER THE LINE???? Is he kidding me?
I'm sick inside. I guess that's fairly obvious. I can't shake it. I am scared.
--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:
> Dearest Paul,
>
> It was getting hard to say all I needed to say via
> text message, so I'm going
> to write you a real letter. Well, as close to real
> as it gets these days.
>
> I talked to some friends last night who made me
> realize that I've been selfish.
> I didn't mean to hurt anyone or do anyone wrong, but
> I think probably everyone
> has suffered because of my delay. I know that the
> kids know something is wrong
> between their mom and dad, and prolonging the
> inevitable is not saving them any
> hurt. I know that for you and them to grow close
> they need to know the truth
> and how we all fit together. I know that for you and
> me to grow close we have
> to be in a real relationship, where we plan
> EVERYTHING together. We have to be
> able to depend on each other and consult each other
> when stuff is happening. We
> have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
> time, and to spend quality
> time together, and a lot of it.
>
> The truth is that I am afraid. I know that you know
> that, but I guess I just
> realized the degree to which I am afraid as I talked
> to my friends and told
> them the whole story. One said "You might have to
> give up some expectations.
> You can't make everything exactly the way you want
> it to be." Another said "My
> parents stayed together for the kids and all we
> wanted was for them to end it."
> And another said "Your kids DO want you to be happy.
> They want to know the
> truth, too."
>
> None of this is earth-shattering, or even anything
> new. But I guess what's new
> is that I feel like whatever happens between us, I
> have to let it happen. If
> things work out, fine. If they don't I have to find
> that out, too. I guess I
> have been afraid that once we go full force with
> this thing, we will find out
> that we can't live together, or that the love isn't
> strong enough to weather
> whatever is ahead in the coming years. But my friend
> Kenzie said "My mom is
> always analyzing stuff too much. I wish she'd just
> let things happen and then
> just let them be." I do the same thing, but when
> that's the stuff you're made
> of it's hard to say "I don't want to be made like
> that anymore." I am still me,
> but I have to somehow let things go - expectations,
> the way I think everything
> should be, my imaginary live for my kids, etc. It's
> what you've said before, I
> know I know. But sometimes you have to learn things
> for yourself. It has to
> come from inside me, or it's just someone else's
> idea.
>
> Sorry, I'm rambling, but I miss you and need to tell
> you these things. When we
> fight, I feel like I couldn't possibly hate anyone
> more than I hate you. I want
> to kill you. When we don't fight, I love you. When
> we are really close and in
> love, I feel like I've never felt with anyone ever
> before. I feel like I'm
> walking on air, living a dream, in a magical place.
> What's more, when I feel
> what it's like without you in my life at all, I
> can't imagine it. It is beyond
> horrible.
>
> Last night I couldn't sleep, as usual. I imagined
> being in your arms, and it
> was like I was home. Even just imagining it, I could
> feel the warmth of your
> strong arms, smell your shirt, hear you breathing,
> feel you caress my hair the
> way you do. I can't live without that, Paul. I am
> doing all I can to get there.
>
> This is not the time to try to explain what the last
> months have been like. I
> wanted something different from you, but I was
> unreasonable in that desire. I
> will explain it one day, for now I just want to tell
> you that I have been
> through a very bad time, and I am coming out of it.
> I need you and I will be
> good for you.
>
> I love you deeply,
> Julie
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 2:37 AM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales"
Subject: Re: hi
To:
Regular User Julia E. House
Dear Frenchie,
Having read and re-read the email below, I'll share,
as close as I can get, to how I feel about us right
now.
I cannot stand the fighting, yelling, name calling and
intense negative vibe that we have exchanged recently.
Please accept my sincerest apology for my part of our
most recent confrontation.
"I know that for you and me to grow close we have
to be in a real relationship, where we plan EVERYTHING
together. We have to be able to depend on each other
and consult each other when stuff is happening. We
have to be able to embrace and kiss anywhere at any
time, and to spend quality time together, and a lot of
it."
Living and building a life together, in real time is
all I've ever wanted. Both of us single or married to
one another is the way it has to be, whether we live
together or separately or even in the same town for
that matter. I just can't continue to pretend that Its
All Good, when I know that it is not, not at least in
my heart.
As far as our being able to "make it" as a couple and
weather the trials and tribulations of life, I ain't
skeer'd. I'm afraid that we may never get the chance
to try for real.
If you have been this way for too long to change, I
can respect that. I understand some of your fears and
others I can't grasp at all. You do over-analyze and
have expectations that only you can want and
understand. I can't help you to realize any of your
dreams (or mine) while you are entangled in the
current circumstances. I love you just the way you are
and don't want to change a thing about you. I can live
with your faults. I hope that you can live with mine.
That's where we will learn how to work things out
together as a team and a unified front. I promise,
that if and when you find yourself single, I'll be
there to help you pick up the pieces. The waiting is
and will be hard to deal with for now, but I think
that it will be far easier and less painful/stressful
than the
find ourselves. No more, please.
I think that you are beginning to see that our future
together rests on your shoulders. How and when you
choose to deal with it is entirely up to you and you
alone. The only person that I can change is me. I want
to be your man so badly that it tears me up inside
knowing that I can't be. Just so long as it is you and
I navigating the unchartered waters of life and not
having to depend on anyone but each other to make
good, sound decisions that affect our loved ones, I
have no doubt that it will be more than OK. No more
pretending. No more living in two worlds and acting
like this is a normal, healthy relationship cuz we
both know that it is not. That's where most of our
friction originates. I want us to be real and
legitimate. Yes, I need you and want you too, but not
like it is now. You are always on my mind. Sometimes
good, sometimes bad, but always there none the less.
Obviously, I had rather go our separate ways as to
keep marching down this same road.
I don't know how to help you. I am reluctant to make
suggestions as a big-ass nuclear fubar'd mess usually
follows. You said it best when you said "sometimes you
have to learn things for yourself. It has to come from
inside me, or it's just someone else's idea." Could
not agree more. There is nothing wrong with having
goals and expectations in one's life as long as they
are real, attainable and flexible enough to withstand
the obstacles and curve balls that this life
inevitably sends our way. Again, as you said, these
are things that should be discussed and acted upon
when we are in a real relationship. Part of the growth
process to which you refered.
This last year and a half has been murder on me
emotionally, and I know that it isn't any easier on
you. I agree with you.
I still want to be your man. I love you in ways that I
don't even understand.
One day - Paul
**
That's the man I loved. That's the man I waited all summer for. That's someone I knew.
Here's how it ended. I knew something was wrong, but he continued to assure me that our separation was purely because he could not bear being around me if he couldn't have me for real, single, legal, legit. But I knew; in my heart, I knew. Notice that I ask him outright if there's someone else. This is from September:
--- "Julia E. House"
wrote:
> Okay, dude. You say you don't understand why I "keep
> communicating" with you
> when you've "told me" not to. I am here to say that
> I guess the reason is that
> I don't understand how you can keep away from me for
> this long. Given the
> passion of our relationship for two and a half
> years, it scares me shitless
> that you can turn it all off. Then I start thinking
> that the only thing that
> could explain it is that you are no longer in love
> with me and are involved
> with another woman. You see where my mind goes, and
> it's not pretty for you or
> for me.
>
> It made sense, even though it was impossibly hard,
> to have no contact up until
> I filed for divorce, because for all you knew I was
> gonna be a flake and not do
> anything at all. You had every right to protect
> yourself and give me a kick in
> the ass at the same time into taking action.Well,
> now I have. The papers are
> happily ensconced at the Dekalb County Courthouse,
> waiting their turn in line.
> I will be divorced before three more weeks are out.
> But I have gone as long as
> I can possibly go wondering what our future holds.
> The fact that you can
> pretend that someone named Julie was never in your
> life is more than I can
> stand. It scares me more than you know. I need
> something from you, Paul,
> whether you understand it or not, whether you can
> see even a tiny bit where I'm
> coming from or not. I'll explain it one day if you
> want to hear, but for now
> I'm just going to ask you.
>
> Tell me that you are still in love with me. Tell me
> that you are not involved
> with another woman. Tell me that you hurt being
> apart from me for so long. Tell
> me that you need me in your life. Tell me ANYTHING
> so that I know you are still
> my man, otherwise I can't make it till the end of
> September. I have used up all
> my reserves to get this far. The combined stress of
> not knowing where my life
> is going now (you know how that feels, right?) and
> not knowing if you stil want
> me to be your woman is too much for me. I need this
> from you, Paul. Just tell
> me where it stands.
>
> I agree we should not see each other until I'm
> single. I won't push that. I
> understand why we can't be together till that time,
> but I need to know from you
> that we are going to try to be together then, and
> that you are not using this
> time as a way to gradually and quietly break up with
> me. Please give me the
> peace that I need to get through this. I was there
> when you went through the
> fear and uncertainty of your divorce. Just give me
> this.
>
> xo
> French
>
>
Wednesday, September 12, 2007 6:12 PM -0400
From:
Gateway "Paul E. Scales"
Subject: Re: Where we are
To:
Regular User Julia E. House
Okay dudette. For my own sanity and general well being
the only way I can deal with you while you are still
married is not to deal with you at all. The fact that
you didn't get all gung ho about about getting serious
about the whole divorce process till now hurt me to
the core. I know that you were/are scared to death and
worried about your kids and yourself, and that is
responsible. I'm hurt that you didn't/don't have the
faith in me as provider for a new family. Some of the
things that you've said to me in anger hurt me so
badly that I've yet to get over a few of them. The New
Years debacle is still ringing in my ears.
Anyway, I want to start entirely from scratch with you
just as soon as you are single. No bullshit, no games
and certainly no more drama. For me, this separation
is a matter of survival.
That's it in a nut shell. My POV, if you will. It is
what it is and nothing can be done about it at this
point in time. I'm waiting for the day when we can see
one another on a level playing field. Give me a call
when that day arrives.
As ever - scales
***
Wow. There's a change. No more "Frenchie." No more "Paul". Cold and distant, but nevertheless it sounds like he's there, right? Still waiting, right? Upset about the past but looking to a future together, right?
Wrong. He was living with Ugh. He was "talking to her" about me and about our relationship. She knew all about me; I knew nothing about her. He is a lying, cheating dog, yes, but I can also smell her influence in his words. There is nothing more lowdown than sidling yourself into someone else's floundering relationship, and that's what she did.
I am not in the wrong here. I did what I was supposed to do. I got a divorce. We were going to be together. Even though it had been a long hard road, the end was in sight. Or so he said, and so I hoped. Yet while he was writing that email, the fucking bastard was living with Ugh and "falling in love" with her (according to her) or "just friends" (according to him). Either way, he's a complete lying bastard. He hurt me more deeply than anything has ever hurt. I won't stop writing about it until I'm healed, which could be a long goddamned time.
I get so angry when I read and re-read these emails that I start to shake. Sandwiched in between the two of them is my summer, a summer from hell, a summer spent waiting, marking off days on a calendar, not eating, losing my shit, barely holding on till he came back to me. He told me he'd be there. He told me we'd pick up the pieces together. He lied. He lied. He lied.
All I've heard out of his mouth since July is how much I hurt him. He has never acknowledged how much he hurt me. Our relationship was very difficult and often explosive, but is was also full of possibilities, passion and genuine love. We could have had such a beautiful life, had he really been the person he pretended to be in the June email, - the person I loved. That person is not even real, or at least, not any more. He died three weeks ago.
Paul has never admitted any wrongdoing. His response to my finding out about dating the bitch since spring? "You can't cheat on a married woman." He has morphed into a cold, heartless bastard. I guess he always was one, according to people I'm now talking to, who say things like "Why the hell were you with him to begin with? He's a user. He's an egomaniac. He cares nothing for anyone but himself." Well, he goddamn had me fooled.
I am not sorry for being bitter. I have a right to this anger. What I am sorry about is that he will not apologize. He will not admit having done anything the least bit wrong. All I hear from him now is "You need to get our of my life. I'm done with you. I wouldn't come back to you if you were the last woman on earth. You stepped over the line now."
STEPPED OVER THE LINE???? Is he kidding me?
I'm sick inside. I guess that's fairly obvious. I can't shake it. I am scared.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
For Paul
This is a blog entry from back over the spring, when P still loved me. I took it down when I began to realize things were not what they should be. He, however, had put it on his Myspace page, so it's not lost forever. When he transferred it there, he removed a key term, 'my boyfriend Paul', and replaced it with 'my friend Paul.' I guess I knew then that something was very wrong, and that he and I would probably not make it, even though it's taken me this long to let that truth into my heart.
I'm reposting it as a tribute to what we had together, to how much we loved each other, and even now, after all that's happened and the incredible hurt I'm in right now, to him, because I still do and always will love him.
Letting go is hard, and three years is a long time to be attached at the soul to someone - and we were - but this is my way of doing it. Messy, ugly, needy, but honest. I am learning to see truth and right now, truth sucks.
This is cut and pasted from Paul's page, so the first comment is his. The later comments that are mixed in were placed by real live people, but it looks funny cause it's all been taken out and put back in.
***
The following is an excerpt from a blog known as "ciaomanhattanbaby" and is one of the kindest blurbs ever written about me:
My friend Paul and I were watching YouTube videos last night. I am trying to convince him that Taylor Hicks is more than someone who just "won a fucking singing contest." It's a hard row to hoe. In watching music clips we strayed from Taylor to Jimmy Hall to a bunch of old videos I had bookmarked from Ash's board, like Son House, Koko Taylor and Big Mama Thornton, and others I was less familiar with, like an incredible clip of Hound Dog Taylor and Little Walter. In watching those videos it suddenly struck me how many talented and one-of-a-kind musicians go their entire lives without being recognized as such. Paul is one of these musicians.
Lemme tell you a little about him and perhaps get his 15 minutes started. First off, you gotta understand, Paul is a madman. Absolutely insane. Here's my favorite picture of him, taken when he was maybe in high school. This photo captures who he is more than any words could do:
Little has changed in the 25 years or so since that picture was taken. Paul treats life as a giant adventure, and his weapon of choice is music, specifically a Yamaha keyboard and Hohner Special 20 harmonicas. He is bad ass, all the way around. But here's the deal: this man is seriously talented. He sings, plays harp, keyboards and guitar, he mixes and produces music AND he was the founder and first owner of the Fabulous Forty Watt Club in Athens, Georgia.
But do you know him? Of course not. His music is only available to a small group of people who are both in the right place and the right mindset, and who are able to seek out unknown talent. Paul has played with some of the greats - Jack Hall, Chicago Joe Jones, Cindy Wilson, June Carter Cash - but most of you probably won't have a chance to see him perform his special brand of throw-down raw stinky sweaty blues, and that's a shame.
So my question is this: how much mind-blowing talent will we never know about? How many artists, musicians and writers out there will never be able to touch the masses? Taylor's whole "I wanna have my voice heard" schtick is not far from the truth, because for every Dylan there is a Nick Drake, for every Jack White there is a Dexter Romweber, and in this case, for every Jimmy Hall there is a Paul Scales.
How amazing would it be if we could give them all a chance.
Posted by Julie at 2:27 PM
Labels: Athens, Paul, pop music
4 comments:
cherie said... Amen. I've always thought that the best music is not the stuff you hear on the radio. Is it because the teenyboppers are the ones who buy the cds and determine what's popular? May 5, 2007 5:11 AM
Peanut said... Damn! Paul has played with some legends, including June Carter Cash! Man, I bet he has some great stories...I'd love to chat with him someday. Maybe one day we'll all be able to hang out at Fatt Matt's or something? May 5, 2007 3:32 PM
Paul Scales said... Such kind words from such kind folks. My playing piano on "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" with Mrs. Cash at the Midtown Music Festival was a total random thing. Mrs. Cash was the anchor talent on the gig, so naturally, she closed out the show. As fate would have it, the abreviated version of the Cindy Wilson Band (Cindy Wilson - vocals, Steve Baskin - guitar, and myself on piano)were the last to perform just prior to the closing segment of the show featuring Mrs. Cash. Mrs. Cash launched into the gospel classic and there I sat at my piano...what else could a poor boy do but play as the tune morphed into a giant sing-a-long. A once in a lifetime circumstance, no doubt, and trully an honor and a privilege. Julie is right, there is an unbelievable amount of talent just under the radar of public recognition, so it makes sense to support local music as much as possible as that is where the ball starts to roll. May 6, 2007 7:10 AM
Peanut said... Paul! Good to see you here! What a great story! No matter how it happened, you went with the flow, and ended up sharing the stage with a legend. That's awesome! It's a shame how great talent like yourself, and the others that Julie has mentioned, go unnoticed. Why does the music business (and its consumers)have such a narrow view on what is "mainstream?" I've always been into the blues, and it seems that this genre of music gets the shaft more than any other. I am a big fan of Jonny Lang, and have been since he released his major label debut when he was like 17. He's young, hip, nice-looking. Got all the makings of a star...or so one would think. But he is only known to those who enjoy the blues. He gets no airplay around here, and word-of-mouth is probably how he gets new fans. Supporting local music is right! I have seen many of my friends do what they love, and that's play music, for little or no money. They live and breathe music. Someone needs to give them a chance!
***
I remember the night I refer to up there, watching the videos together. We were holed up in the Quality Inn, as usual, watching videos and porn on my laptop, probably naked and smoking cigarettes, too. It was a really special night, and I remember thinking "Who else on earth would I sit here with and watch old blues videos on YouTube, discuss and critique them, take breaks to play his harp for me and kiss me, and who would actually enjoy spending the whole night doing it but Paul?" It was a fun, close, wonderful night, and so ordinary. That's what I miss the most.
So that's how it was once. It's all changed now. Now I'm a girl who was betrayed, lied to, and who spent the last four nights in the psych ward at Emory. I'm somewhat better now and next week will go into what's known as 'intensive outpatient therapy' for the next five weeks. That's all I really know.
Don't ever think you know someone, cause you don't.
I'm reposting it as a tribute to what we had together, to how much we loved each other, and even now, after all that's happened and the incredible hurt I'm in right now, to him, because I still do and always will love him.
Letting go is hard, and three years is a long time to be attached at the soul to someone - and we were - but this is my way of doing it. Messy, ugly, needy, but honest. I am learning to see truth and right now, truth sucks.
This is cut and pasted from Paul's page, so the first comment is his. The later comments that are mixed in were placed by real live people, but it looks funny cause it's all been taken out and put back in.
***
The following is an excerpt from a blog known as "ciaomanhattanbaby" and is one of the kindest blurbs ever written about me:
My friend Paul and I were watching YouTube videos last night. I am trying to convince him that Taylor Hicks is more than someone who just "won a fucking singing contest." It's a hard row to hoe. In watching music clips we strayed from Taylor to Jimmy Hall to a bunch of old videos I had bookmarked from Ash's board, like Son House, Koko Taylor and Big Mama Thornton, and others I was less familiar with, like an incredible clip of Hound Dog Taylor and Little Walter. In watching those videos it suddenly struck me how many talented and one-of-a-kind musicians go their entire lives without being recognized as such. Paul is one of these musicians.
Lemme tell you a little about him and perhaps get his 15 minutes started. First off, you gotta understand, Paul is a madman. Absolutely insane. Here's my favorite picture of him, taken when he was maybe in high school. This photo captures who he is more than any words could do:
Little has changed in the 25 years or so since that picture was taken. Paul treats life as a giant adventure, and his weapon of choice is music, specifically a Yamaha keyboard and Hohner Special 20 harmonicas. He is bad ass, all the way around. But here's the deal: this man is seriously talented. He sings, plays harp, keyboards and guitar, he mixes and produces music AND he was the founder and first owner of the Fabulous Forty Watt Club in Athens, Georgia.
But do you know him? Of course not. His music is only available to a small group of people who are both in the right place and the right mindset, and who are able to seek out unknown talent. Paul has played with some of the greats - Jack Hall, Chicago Joe Jones, Cindy Wilson, June Carter Cash - but most of you probably won't have a chance to see him perform his special brand of throw-down raw stinky sweaty blues, and that's a shame.
So my question is this: how much mind-blowing talent will we never know about? How many artists, musicians and writers out there will never be able to touch the masses? Taylor's whole "I wanna have my voice heard" schtick is not far from the truth, because for every Dylan there is a Nick Drake, for every Jack White there is a Dexter Romweber, and in this case, for every Jimmy Hall there is a Paul Scales.
How amazing would it be if we could give them all a chance.
Posted by Julie at 2:27 PM
Labels: Athens, Paul, pop music
4 comments:
cherie said... Amen. I've always thought that the best music is not the stuff you hear on the radio. Is it because the teenyboppers are the ones who buy the cds and determine what's popular? May 5, 2007 5:11 AM
Peanut said... Damn! Paul has played with some legends, including June Carter Cash! Man, I bet he has some great stories...I'd love to chat with him someday. Maybe one day we'll all be able to hang out at Fatt Matt's or something? May 5, 2007 3:32 PM
Paul Scales said... Such kind words from such kind folks. My playing piano on "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" with Mrs. Cash at the Midtown Music Festival was a total random thing. Mrs. Cash was the anchor talent on the gig, so naturally, she closed out the show. As fate would have it, the abreviated version of the Cindy Wilson Band (Cindy Wilson - vocals, Steve Baskin - guitar, and myself on piano)were the last to perform just prior to the closing segment of the show featuring Mrs. Cash. Mrs. Cash launched into the gospel classic and there I sat at my piano...what else could a poor boy do but play as the tune morphed into a giant sing-a-long. A once in a lifetime circumstance, no doubt, and trully an honor and a privilege. Julie is right, there is an unbelievable amount of talent just under the radar of public recognition, so it makes sense to support local music as much as possible as that is where the ball starts to roll. May 6, 2007 7:10 AM
Peanut said... Paul! Good to see you here! What a great story! No matter how it happened, you went with the flow, and ended up sharing the stage with a legend. That's awesome! It's a shame how great talent like yourself, and the others that Julie has mentioned, go unnoticed. Why does the music business (and its consumers)have such a narrow view on what is "mainstream?" I've always been into the blues, and it seems that this genre of music gets the shaft more than any other. I am a big fan of Jonny Lang, and have been since he released his major label debut when he was like 17. He's young, hip, nice-looking. Got all the makings of a star...or so one would think. But he is only known to those who enjoy the blues. He gets no airplay around here, and word-of-mouth is probably how he gets new fans. Supporting local music is right! I have seen many of my friends do what they love, and that's play music, for little or no money. They live and breathe music. Someone needs to give them a chance!
***
I remember the night I refer to up there, watching the videos together. We were holed up in the Quality Inn, as usual, watching videos and porn on my laptop, probably naked and smoking cigarettes, too. It was a really special night, and I remember thinking "Who else on earth would I sit here with and watch old blues videos on YouTube, discuss and critique them, take breaks to play his harp for me and kiss me, and who would actually enjoy spending the whole night doing it but Paul?" It was a fun, close, wonderful night, and so ordinary. That's what I miss the most.
So that's how it was once. It's all changed now. Now I'm a girl who was betrayed, lied to, and who spent the last four nights in the psych ward at Emory. I'm somewhat better now and next week will go into what's known as 'intensive outpatient therapy' for the next five weeks. That's all I really know.
Don't ever think you know someone, cause you don't.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Death and rebirth
My greatest fear came true, and I survived it. Well, so far. My summer of waiting, anticipating, working hard to get to the end, looking forward to the time when I'd be reunited with my love, mentally and emotionally planning our future...all that is over. I arrived at my destination - I AM DIVORCED - and saw a vast nothing. There was no man at the end. There was no passionate reunion. There was no kiss and planning our future. There was a wall with a stranger standing behind it, looking at me with cold shielded eyes. I'm shocked, astounded and very, very hurt.
All I want is to listen to Jimmy Cliff, Ahmad Jamal and the Modern Jazz Quartet. How odd is that? All other music makes me kind of feel sick.
I am going to California (with an aching...in my heart, for real) next week. Years ago when I had a huge breakup that bruised my heart, I went to Frisco to see an old boyfriend. We went out walking in the sunny cold air, took a ride across the Golden Gate Bridge on his BSA, and sat on the beach somewhere up there on that coast. I cried and cried. He made love to me, which in truth only complicated the situation. But all in all it was a rejuvenating, cleansing trip. California represents that to me: clarity, freedom, life.
This time I am going to visit my dear, dear, dear friends, Leslie and Bob. They are the most California people I know. Leslie has a psychic, earth mother spirit that not only heals you, but makes you feel like you're the most beautiful creature on the planet. Plus she only wears green and orange, which makes me love her even more. Bob is just Bob. He's funny and kind. They have a beautiful garden and sweet cuddly cats and dogs. And I've been told, now a fish. So that feels so good.
I am also going to see my dear, dear, dear friends Bug, Sandy and Daba. These are my Taylor Hicks friends who, along with me, are the only sane Taylor Hicks fans on the planet. But that's not why I love them. They are the kind of people that you meet and you just say to yourself "We're gonna be close friends forever." They are so excited about my trip that it makes me cry a little.
Speaking of friends, this whole bullshit fucking ridiculous experience has shown me lots of things about life and love and how I put myself out there in the world and how I treat those I love, which is not good, let me admit that first. But mainly it's shown me that I have the most kind, giving and supportive friends in the world.
I guess the moral of this story is multiple: Never trust that things will turn out the way you want and expect them to. When your heart tells you something isn't right, it isn't. Love, no matter how strong-and I'm talking STRONG- can and does die. The universe changes every day...embrace that and let it go. You can't control anything. Ask yourself "What do I want" and go with that, cause it's all you got.
I am very angry, but I'm letting it pass through me. I'm also going to walk up Stone Mountain today - the steep side. When I am very sad, I cry and beat the shit out of my mattress and it fades. Somewhat. But weirdly enough, I still love this man. A lot. More than a lot. How do you deal with that? I guess love is what it's all about, whether it "works out" or not.
The truth is that I will survive. But sometimes I just don't want to. If I could live in this photograph forever, I would. This is the best it gets, and thank God I lived there, even for a short while.
All I want is to listen to Jimmy Cliff, Ahmad Jamal and the Modern Jazz Quartet. How odd is that? All other music makes me kind of feel sick.
I am going to California (with an aching...in my heart, for real) next week. Years ago when I had a huge breakup that bruised my heart, I went to Frisco to see an old boyfriend. We went out walking in the sunny cold air, took a ride across the Golden Gate Bridge on his BSA, and sat on the beach somewhere up there on that coast. I cried and cried. He made love to me, which in truth only complicated the situation. But all in all it was a rejuvenating, cleansing trip. California represents that to me: clarity, freedom, life.
This time I am going to visit my dear, dear, dear friends, Leslie and Bob. They are the most California people I know. Leslie has a psychic, earth mother spirit that not only heals you, but makes you feel like you're the most beautiful creature on the planet. Plus she only wears green and orange, which makes me love her even more. Bob is just Bob. He's funny and kind. They have a beautiful garden and sweet cuddly cats and dogs. And I've been told, now a fish. So that feels so good.
I am also going to see my dear, dear, dear friends Bug, Sandy and Daba. These are my Taylor Hicks friends who, along with me, are the only sane Taylor Hicks fans on the planet. But that's not why I love them. They are the kind of people that you meet and you just say to yourself "We're gonna be close friends forever." They are so excited about my trip that it makes me cry a little.
Speaking of friends, this whole bullshit fucking ridiculous experience has shown me lots of things about life and love and how I put myself out there in the world and how I treat those I love, which is not good, let me admit that first. But mainly it's shown me that I have the most kind, giving and supportive friends in the world.
I guess the moral of this story is multiple: Never trust that things will turn out the way you want and expect them to. When your heart tells you something isn't right, it isn't. Love, no matter how strong-and I'm talking STRONG- can and does die. The universe changes every day...embrace that and let it go. You can't control anything. Ask yourself "What do I want" and go with that, cause it's all you got.
I am very angry, but I'm letting it pass through me. I'm also going to walk up Stone Mountain today - the steep side. When I am very sad, I cry and beat the shit out of my mattress and it fades. Somewhat. But weirdly enough, I still love this man. A lot. More than a lot. How do you deal with that? I guess love is what it's all about, whether it "works out" or not.
The truth is that I will survive. But sometimes I just don't want to. If I could live in this photograph forever, I would. This is the best it gets, and thank God I lived there, even for a short while.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Happy Day After Father's Day
This has been a very painful weekend for me. I lost my boyfriend. No, he didn't die, just wrote me out of his life, which is worse in many ways. I can't come to grips with it somehow, and even though we've split many, many times - so many that it's a constant source of amusement for several well-meaning friends - this time I know it's forever. So bear with me, as I am very melancholy at the moment.
I also have been grappling with the first Father's Day without my dad. He died last October 12, and I have survived my first Christmas without him, my first birthday without him, his first birthday without him, etc. without totally losing my shit. But Father's Day has been different. I've somewhat lost my shit. Maybe it's the combined loss of Paul and the emptiness already in my heart from losing Dad, maybe it's just hearing and feeling the word 'father' all week, but something very heavy has crawled inside my heart and seems rather reluctant to leave.
I just posted a comment on another blog about my dad's love of country music. While it made me feel good about how much he gave me during his life, it also made me start to cry again. I just want to share a little of it here, for Dad.
My dad was from East Tennessee (always ‘east’, never just ‘Tennessee’) and loved country music. Now, when I say country music, I don’t mean this bullshit Hollywood crap they pass off as country now. I mean country and western old style - Loretta Lynn, Chet Atkins, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Flatt and Scruggs, Tammy Wynette. He had a wild streak, too, that mellowed once he married my mom and had us kids. But he was always a mischevious East Tennesseean at heart. I love country music, especially a good fiddle tune, thanks to him.
My parents were an odd match - mom very prim and proper and classically trained in piano, Dad a juvenile delinquent (in a good way, of course) from one of the best families of Knoxville, a family that since has been traced back to William the Conqueror, if you believe my aunts' geneaology searches. But they had an incredible relationship, the strength of which I only realized after Dad's death. They were soulmates, and having been together since they were 15, they knew each other better than anyone else. My mom is lost without him, something which surprises me as she always seemed so independent and cheerful, regardless of what happened around her. I am finding that I am somewhat lost without him, too, especially as I face divorce knowing that there is no one waiting for me on the other side.
I guess your father is your first love, and all others are based on him. I miss him terribly, and now realize that I will never have anyone love me as unconditionally and as deeply as he did. I have tried to find that love in many men since I left home to go to college and then on into the world as an adult. I see now that it can't be done. No one can take his place.
I apologize for the pity party. It has been a very black day.
I also have been grappling with the first Father's Day without my dad. He died last October 12, and I have survived my first Christmas without him, my first birthday without him, his first birthday without him, etc. without totally losing my shit. But Father's Day has been different. I've somewhat lost my shit. Maybe it's the combined loss of Paul and the emptiness already in my heart from losing Dad, maybe it's just hearing and feeling the word 'father' all week, but something very heavy has crawled inside my heart and seems rather reluctant to leave.
I just posted a comment on another blog about my dad's love of country music. While it made me feel good about how much he gave me during his life, it also made me start to cry again. I just want to share a little of it here, for Dad.
My dad was from East Tennessee (always ‘east’, never just ‘Tennessee’) and loved country music. Now, when I say country music, I don’t mean this bullshit Hollywood crap they pass off as country now. I mean country and western old style - Loretta Lynn, Chet Atkins, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Flatt and Scruggs, Tammy Wynette. He had a wild streak, too, that mellowed once he married my mom and had us kids. But he was always a mischevious East Tennesseean at heart. I love country music, especially a good fiddle tune, thanks to him.
My parents were an odd match - mom very prim and proper and classically trained in piano, Dad a juvenile delinquent (in a good way, of course) from one of the best families of Knoxville, a family that since has been traced back to William the Conqueror, if you believe my aunts' geneaology searches. But they had an incredible relationship, the strength of which I only realized after Dad's death. They were soulmates, and having been together since they were 15, they knew each other better than anyone else. My mom is lost without him, something which surprises me as she always seemed so independent and cheerful, regardless of what happened around her. I am finding that I am somewhat lost without him, too, especially as I face divorce knowing that there is no one waiting for me on the other side.
I guess your father is your first love, and all others are based on him. I miss him terribly, and now realize that I will never have anyone love me as unconditionally and as deeply as he did. I have tried to find that love in many men since I left home to go to college and then on into the world as an adult. I see now that it can't be done. No one can take his place.
I apologize for the pity party. It has been a very black day.
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