Thursday, November 22, 2007

Can't shake it

I wake up every morning having somehow forgotten. Sleep sends me to a place where everything is okay, where I still have P in my life - then I wake up and have to accept all over again what's really happened to me. It doesn't help that for the last four nights I've dreamed of P just before waking up. Last night it was a dream where he was telling me how Ugh had talked him out of being with me. He had realized it was all wrong and was telling me how sorry he was that he listened to her. He was kissing me just as I woke up. We were at Taco Stand somehow...The night before that I had some confusing dream about Molly Read's house, Leslie's Kitchen Cam, and Paul and me still being a team. Night before that it was a dream where he was with his new 'girlfriend' but she was young and pretty. We were at some old house and he had been kissing her and when she left, I snuck into her place and he started kissing me. I realized that he knew it was me, and he kept kissing anyway. When she came back, we all had a civil conversation...nothing like the reality of this mess. The night before that I dreamed one of those horrible dreams where P called me and said "I didn't mean any of it. I love you. Let's just be together and forget all the bullshit." Those are the worst.

It's all a big fucking mess. I can't seem to shake it, even with the little snippets of progress I sometimes feel that I'm making, I can't get rid of this awful feeling that nothing will ever be okay again. For all the very real bad stuff he did to me...very real, very bad, cruel and horrible and humiliating...I miss him. I miss him a lot. I think of stupid things, like how I'd do something clumsy and he'd look up and say "French?" in a joking "what the hell?" kind of way. I have fleeting unexpected glimpses of stuff, like me sitting in his lap and him looking at me with his eyes full of love, and my heart breaks all over again. He treated me like a dog; why do I still miss him?

And now it's Thanksgiving. How can I help but think of the first Thanksgiving with him, before we'd even seen each other but were still emailing back and forth? It was so fun, and this is so not fun. Bah humbug.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Julie. You won't always feel this way, I promise. "All things must pass." --Ingrid

tif said...

I agree with Ingrid, just like any wound with time it heals.. so does the heart..Give it time Julie.

Try to have a nice Holiday!


lion said...

It's a cliche but it's true: Time heals all wounds. Next Thanksgiving, you'll be saying "Paul who?"