So my wonderful Myspace friend, Fiona, sends out a Thought for the Day every day. Somehow they are always right on target, in fact, often eerily so. Here is one from a couple of days ago:
Um, yes, less joyful is a nice way to put it.
But every time I read one of her bulletins, and think about how appropriate it is for me to get this message, at this moment in time, I start to wonder about our connection to the cosmos. Is there "something" out there that knows more than me, that knows when I need a message like this one, or an unexpected email or phone call, and makes sure I get it? Lately it seems so. I keep hearing just the right song at the right moment, or having two or three people send me exactly the same thought or idea, and I really take it to heart. But if that's the case, if some power from beyond is looking out for me and signaling me the right way to go, then why doesn't "it" go a step further and send me what I really need? Because all this hinting around, all these gentle pushes in the right direction, just end up frustrating me. What happened to me in October is much bigger than me. It's much more than I can fight alone. I need more than subtle hints; I need a real concrete solution.
I realized a few days ago that what happened between me and P. was so big that it requires big action. Going to therapy, going to group, reading about how to forget, how to forgive, how to accept, how to live in the moment...all these things are good positive moves in general, and are in fact, helpful for living life to the fullest and remaining healthy and strong. But I need something more. I can't move through and beyond the pain and sense of loss simply by accepting it; it's just not happening. I try to sit through the sadness. I end up still sad. I try to forbid myself from thinking about him. I still think about him. I tell myself he was an asshole to leave me the way he did. I still want him. I look at all his faults. I still miss him. None of my theraputic gestures has made me feel any different about P. than I did all along. I still love him. So I've got to do something drastic. I'm looking at several options.
Option number one: go to a psychic healer. I know nothing about psychic healers, but it's worth a shot. I'm to the point where an exorcism seems like a good idea, in fact.
Option number two: go to Sedona, Arizona, or Glastonbury, or one of those other places with strong vibrations. Maybe just by being in a very heavy place, I'll have a breakthrough of some sort, and know how to live without him, or how to get him back in my life.
Option number three: total and permanent change of scenery, like moving to Hawaii or something. I'm on the job market, and can technically go wherever I want to , if I can get a job there. The problem is, of course, the children. I can't take them too far away from their dad, but I so need to leave Atlanta, Athens, the southeast...I'd love to just give it all up and go away. Alone.
In the meantime, I continue to read, take long walks, think about (and sometimes even attempt) writing my dissertation. But in truth I'm just killing time. Waiting. For what? I don't know. But things aren't progressing as I had hoped they would. Damnit.