Friday, May 16, 2008

Jobs and love

I got the job! It's very exciting, but also a little nerve-wracking. I have three sections to teach each semester, but luckily only two preps. But even so, that's more than I've ever had before. I get to put together a film class, and I'm thinking a cross-cultural film noir American-French kind of thing. That will be loads of fun, provided they have a decent projector in my classroom. Their facilities are less than the style to which I have become accustomed.

Now, onto something that is really bothering me, my ongoing murky relationship with this man I'm crazy about. Here's what keeps happening that puzzles me: He and I make contact, by email, text, phone, whatever. We have a lovely series of emails, texts, or a lovely four-hour chat. I feel close to him and I think he's feeling close to me. Then the next day, he pulls away again, is busy, has no time, or just isn't around. I feel okay with it, cause we had the night before and I know that he is whatever he is, and needs some space. Then the next day, ditto. I make an attempt to contact him, he replies, in a friendly, non-committal way. That's fine. Kind of. Then nothing. Then I get worried, cause my insecurities pop up to say "Are you crazy? He's obviously hiding something from you!" Then I get past that, cause I am wiser now, and think "Give him a break. He loves you, this is just all he can handle right now. Remember you're not IN a relationship." And everything is fine again. Then he calls, we have another four-hour conversation, he tells me he loves me and it starts all over again.

The problem is that we are in a relationship, just one that has no real name. Or parameters. Or touching. That's actually okay. What bothers me is that there's a big gap that I'm afraid is not going away, like EVER. I can handle waiting. I can handle weirdness. I understand how hard it is for him. But I feel like I'm in Groundhog Day a little bit. Is this what he meant when he used to tell me "You'll get tired of my shit too, like they all do"? Does he push people (women) away until they finally have no other choice but to actually GO away? Is this the "we drifted apart" I've heard truth a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of drift? Intentional but not intentional..? I want to stay around, I miss him when he's not in my life, but I guess I'm beginning to feel the strain. Sunday he completely blew me off in a very cold way, and I have to ask myself if he's not trying to tell me to go away without having to tell me.

Well I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna have to figure out how to work this friend-/relationship, cause I am not giving up on us. It's too important.

And he's the best.


caryl said... that's a head-scratcher. Can you talk to him about it?

Oh! Congrats on the job!

Chicken & Waffles said...

Congrats on the job, Jules. Please show some Truffaut. He's genius.

On the man--I'm with Caryl. Talk to him. It sounds like he's mad for you. I bet a conversation will confirm that. And I am so happy you're in a relationship that gives you joy.

Julie said...

Oh definitely some Truffaut!

But gals, I did get a chance to talk to him. And it ain't gonna happen, crazy for me or no, he's not going to do it. We're friends.