Sunday, December 21, 2008

An Open Apology

I've been feeling really shitty lately. Not the usual shitty, as in why is life so hard, but shitty in a kind of guilty way. I feel like I've hurt a lot of people over the past few years, and while I meant to lash out at some, others kind of happened by accident. I feel extremely bad when I think of the people I used to count as friends who now seems more like enemies, and wonder how it happened. It's been a bad few years, I guess, and certain friendships got caught up in the mess and I lashed out in anger and those friendships ended. I hate it now, and wish I could go back to the year of Rewind, in fact, and start over. I can't, of course, so I'm writing this post to say I'm sorry. Many of those I've broken ties with won't ever read this, but I need to put it out there into the karmic/cosmic swirl and hope to mend some fences.

Several people I've called in the past year to try to talk to them about what happened between us, but either they didn't want to hear it or were embarrassed to talk about it. Others I actually have made up with, and started new friendships with. But I'm sick and fucking tired of sending bad energy out into the world, and as I was cleaning out my closet, it suddenly hit me how much I've done it, and how much I miss the people I've shut out of my life through my actions. So as of today, I am putting to rest all bad events, both those done by me and those done to me. It's just time to open my heart and move forward in light and love. Sappy, new age-y, pitiful, whatever...but something about that closet-cleaning experience made me realize how much I've lost. Actually, I know exactly what it was about the closet. I pulled out several old purses and was tossing out some of their contents when I found receipts, old notes and letters, even a hotel bill from the Holiday Inn in Athens, either a Rewind-related outing or just fun, and it made me miss my old friends like hell. I don't want any more sadness, I don't want any more regrets. I've done enough and it's time to clean up my act. I am very sorry for hurting you all.

So there you have it, a kinder, gentler Julie. Can you handle it? Can I handle it?


MIke M. said...

yes I can handle it...I've never been a new age huckster, but the energy we spend sending out feelings of fear disguised as anger or superiority is a never ending amazement. I have seen the change in you already and it is beautiful.

I wish I had been closer, I would have gone to Athens as your date...

Happy New Year my friend.

Julie said...

I sure do wish you had been here, too, Mike. In fact I wish you were here right now, cause you're the best. Lots of love to you, my sweet friend.