Happy Father's Day

Just missing my dad today. Kind of blue. He was a sweet, smart, loving father, and I'll never have anyone love me that much again. Love you, dad.

January 1, 2008

It strikes me today how funny these random milestones are. January 1, a new year, a new beginning, a new life. Apparently I bought into this more than I realized. I really thought that when I woke up today something would be different, that I would actually feel something changed in my heart. Maybe I thought all my Paul obsession would be lifted. Or that he would call me and say "Look, this is silly. Let's get together and talk over what happened last year. We are meant to work things out. We love each other. Blah blah blah." Or maybe somewhere in my twisted little mind I thought I'd just magically be over this crap once it was 2008.

All I know is that today is a Tuesday, pretty much like any other Tuesday. I didn't get enough sleep, had a migraine when I woke up, was late to my brother's house where we exchanged presents, since they missed out on Christmas at my mom's, got some sweet tea at Waffle House on the way home, had a sudden fit of crying...no, hysterical SOBBING...after lying down to try to take a nap, and just now woke up. I feel kind of better, but guess what? Nothing is magically different. I miss Paul.

The only new beginning as far as I can tell is that all the big anniversaries are over. {Does the word anniversary have any shared etymological base with adversary? Cause I think it should...} I can move forward without thinking about what was happening "this time last year" a little more easily. I think it will be all downhill from here on out. Things are definitely better now than they were on October 22, or November 30, or December 4. I am going to be fine, but I swear it is going to take a lot longer than I had thought.

To liven up this morose post, here are my children, at midnight.



They have the right idea. I've got the best kids in the world. Happy New Year, dear friends.

Throwing a Party

What are y'all doing for the holidays? How's the weather where you are? I'm getting ready for a HUGE Christmas party I throw every year (it's tomorrow night,) and it's getting really cold here. I wish I had one of those outside stove things so guests could gather on the patio...a chiminea (I looked it up). This one is nice:


No, I like this one better:

Do these start to look oddly sexual the more you look at them, or is it just me?

Anyway, big party tomorrow night. I've overinvited, considering my small house, but the truth is I did it on purpose. I think it will be fun to have a really huge crowd all crammed in here together...it kind of makes it more festive. As always, I'm providing Honeybaked ham and turkey and heating up some delicious Sister Schubert rolls. They make mini-sandwiches to die for. I've got cheese straws, cashews, wine, beer, sweet tea, mixers...am I forgetting anything? My guests bring their own favorite dishes so we have a regular smorgasbord by the time it gets going. They also bring their kids. It's a big, noisy, fun evening.

This year is a little bittersweet, though, just like everything else in my life. I remember preparing for this event the last few years and how different my heart felt as I pulled all the details together. Tonight, even though I'm really having a good time getting everything ready, I keep thinking of the one person I wish I had here with me, to help me with the last-minute, pull-it-all-together panic, like he did two years ago. I remember that year, how rich and complete I felt, and how incredible my party was. I also remember last Christmas, thinking "this time next year, I'll be single, and doing all this with him." But that time never came.

I will brave tomorrow night alone, and enjoy the hell out of it, too. I have to do it sometime, right? I mean, life does go on, not the same, but good in its newness.