It strikes me today how funny these random milestones are. January 1, a new year, a new beginning, a new life. Apparently I bought into this more than I realized. I really thought that when I woke up today something would be different, that I would actually feel something changed in my heart. Maybe I thought all my Paul obsession would be lifted. Or that he would call me and say "Look, this is silly. Let's get together and talk over what happened last year. We are meant to work things out. We love each other. Blah blah blah." Or maybe somewhere in my twisted little mind I thought I'd just magically be over this crap once it was 2008.
All I know is that today is a Tuesday, pretty much like any other Tuesday. I didn't get enough sleep, had a migraine when I woke up, was late to my brother's house where we exchanged presents, since they missed out on Christmas at my mom's, got some sweet tea at Waffle House on the way home, had a sudden fit of crying...no, hysterical SOBBING...after lying down to try to take a nap, and just now woke up. I feel kind of better, but guess what? Nothing is magically different. I miss Paul.
The only new beginning as far as I can tell is that all the big anniversaries are over. {Does the word
anniversary have any shared etymological base with
adversary? Cause I think it should...} I can move forward without thinking about what was happening "this time last year" a little more easily. I think it will be all downhill from here on out. Things are definitely better now than they were on October 22, or November 30, or December 4. I am going to be fine, but I swear it is going to take a lot longer than I had thought.
To liven up this morose post, here are my children, at midnight.
They have the right idea. I've got the best kids in the world. Happy New Year, dear friends.
Here's to a peaceful year full of healing and love. In 2009 I'm gonna change the way I live. Vague, I know, but it's something I need to do. It feels like it's time to reconnect with things and people who are real. Last year I learned all about sitting and being quiet and listening to what I need. I learned to live in the moment and not fret about what was or what is coming. But though I learned it all I haven't put it to use in my life. I think it's time.
