Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My life with Davy Jones

I didn't plan on spending all day today on the computer, reading about Davy Jones' death, but somehow I have. My first real crush, the light of my childhood life, is dead, and try as I might, I just can't wrap my head around it. Others have written better than I can about his effect on their life, how much the Monkees meant to them as musicians, as comedians, as pals growing up. But I can't let this little bit of my childhood pass without my own tribute to him and to the group, and how Davy especially affected me as a young girl.


My parents loved music. My mother is a piano teacher and gave me my love for classical music. My dad was a big fan of "real" (I say that, he never did) country music. They both loved the smooth torch songs of the 50s and 60s as well as early rock and roll. They could dance the jitterbug like nobody's business. My dad knew the Everly Brothers in high school, and told me stories about sitting in the local radio station in Knoxville while they did live broadcasts before they were famous.

Obviously, this death hits close to home for me, so much so that I didn't even know until I wrote it that my opening paragraph would be about my parents, and not about Davy Jones at all. All this to say that I grew up listening to music, all the time. I don't know if it's true or not (you know how faulty memory is) but in my mind, a record was always playing when I was a child. I remember at some point I began taking my parents' "Chubby Checker's Your Twist Party" record into my own room and playing it on my record player. I later pilfered more -- Andy Williams, Peter, Paul and Mary, the "West Side Story" soundtrack -- and would play them while I read, or danced, or sat around playing in my room and daydreaming.

Soon I began having my own records and my own musical interests. I bought mainly soundtracks from my favorite movies, like Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Oliver!, and the like. And then, suddenly, there were the Monkees. I don't know when I first heard them or saw the t.v. show, but in many ways there is no beginning to this story. They were just always there.


I think what attracted me as a kid was first, the songs, of course, but also the fact that they were funny and sweet, mischievous and silly...kind of the big brothers I never had. They were a part of my life just as much as my parents and eventually my little brother were, maybe even more, because they were mine. I found them, I responded to them, I loved them, they were my own music to listen to. I watched the show, religiously. I bought the records. Every album. Every single. I knew all the words to all the songs, except the few I didn't like ("Auntie Griselda", for example.) I was the queen of mis-heard lyrics, some of which I still sing today. "I'm a believer, I could enleave her if I tried," and "When I needed sunshine on my brain" are two of the best. I'm still quite proud of them.

I remember once visiting my Great Aunt Renie and Uncle Harold in Atlanta, and bringing my Monkees records with me. (Again, memory being what it is, who knows exactly how this transpired...) I remember lying on the sofa in their den, listening to one of the albums, singing along. Soon my great uncle came in. He was a kind of gruff older country man who often scared me with his loudness and grumpiness, but that day saw the end of any chance of me ever liking him. "What the hell is that?" he asked. "Now Harold," my ever-genteel great aunt said, "Julie likes them. She brought her records to play for us, now let her listen to them." "What do you call that? Rock and roll?" he continued. "It's the Monkees, Uncle Harold," I told him, kind of confused. "Hmmmph," he grumbled. "Sounds like nigger music to me."

Now my family was not particularly strict, in fact, they let us do just about anything we wanted, but there was one word we were never, ever allowed to utter, and that was it. I remember those words hitting me like a punch. I felt my face get hot. I didn't know what to do. I got up from the couch, very upset, and started to cry. Not only had he been mean about my band, my only band, the band DAVY was in, but he used the n-word! I can't remember what happened after that, or how the scene ended, but I'm sure Aunt Renie made him apologize, then fried me a chicken or something to make up for it. But I remember for the first time feeling as if I myself had been insulted, by extension, when he talked bad about the Monkees.


So back to Davy. As I said before, he was my first love. I remember watching the show, looking at his beautiful face -- in truth, a perfect face -- and feeling nothing but a pitter-patter in my chest. Sometimes I would look at my album covers and just stare into those beautiful, soulful brown eyes. I dreamed about him, about meeting him and kissing him. His lips were full and soft, his hair brown (like mine) and straight (like mine). He was not macho at all, and for a young girl, seemed the perfect "boy" to be with. In fact, it was years before I ever dated or even had a crush on any male who was the least bit tall, or bearded, or manly. Davy was my ideal. I could imagine walking through the park with him, holding hands, like they sometimes did on the show...

Oh, and the accent! He had that beautiful melodic voice, and the cute British accent. He was from England! It seemed so exotic to me. I loved the songs he sang on best, and especially was fond of the slow, romantic (and sappy) ones, like "I Wanna Be Free," and the still-wonderful "Look Out (Here Comes Tomorrow)."  Davy's songs were the best, and the episodes on the show where he fell in love and got the stars in his eyes were my favorite.

I recently saw a documentary on the Biography Channel about the Monkees, and was astounded to hear that the show was only on the air for two years. It felt like a lifetime. I never thought any of it would end.


Of course, at some point it did end. Davy was replaced by Donny Osmond, and then Peter Frampton, and then a slew of others, but he was aways my first. His death greatly saddens me. Tonight I am mourning you, David Jones. RIP sweet friend I never knew.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Prayers needed

Regarding my last post, please go to this blog and pray for my son's friend, Thomas:

http://prayforthomas.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Accidents and grace

My son was supposed to go on a skiing trip with his boy scout troop last weekend. I was so nervous about letting him go, for many reasons. Something just didn't feel right, and I couldn't shake it. I had already told him it was okay for him to go, and we'd borrowed the money from my mom and started planning for it. But like I told her, I just felt wrong about the whole thing, but I couldn't stop it as I had already told him he could go.

Wednesday he got sick. Thursday he was diagnosed with the flu. Needless to say, we gave up his spot on the trip. I knew he was disappointed, but I said a quick prayer of thanks to God for letting him get the flu. I knew it was irrational, but I was relieved and happy he was safe at home with me.

Today I heard from the parent of another scout. He said "Well you sure are lucky Nick got the flu. Did you hear what happened on the ski trip?" No, I hadn't heard anything, but thought maybe he was going to tell me they'd had bad weather or everyone had gotten food poisoning or something. "This boy, Thomas Sowell, fell while learning to snowboard. He got dragged down the slope by the snowboard. He has serious brain injury and is in a coma."

This child, another 15 year old, is in a coma. I cannot shake the horrible sick feeling I've had ever since he told me this news. I keep thinking about my fears about the trip, and how I knew I was going to have to let Nick go even though I was terribly worried. I imagined me telling him goodbye at the door as he left, telling myself it would be okay. I imagined me talking myself out of worries, and watching him pack his underwear and toothbrush and kissing me goodbye. All those things I would have felt had he gone, this child's mother felt as she kissed her son goodbye. She told herself it would be okay, that she had to let him grow up, that she would see him soon and would be able to breathe again.

But none of that happened. Her son is in a coma, he might die, he may never talk or recognize her again. She packed his underwear and made sure he had warm gloves and a hat for skiing. She gave him money to spend at McDonald's on the way to North Carolina. She told him to take pictures and to try not to stay up all night. She prayed hard for him to be safe, and kissed him as he climbed into the car. And she may never see him again.

Why does this happen? How can God be this cruel? How can an innocent child leave his parents to go on a short vacation with his boy scout troop, and never come back? I am so upset and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. I don't know why I am so affected, but that poor mother and father, and that poor boy. I just want to throw up.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Flu

Impossible Things, by Lissy Elle

I don't know if I can blame everything on the flu, but I'm going to try. I've been sick for over a week, and though I went back to school Wednesday, I still feel like death warmed over. I came home today and slept for three hours, and didn't even make dinner for the kids. I am plum wore out.

My horoscope said yesterday that I was in for some very big life shifts, and I think I just lived through one. I'm giving up on this relationship, which was doomed from the beginning anyway. He's too irrational and self-centered, and I'm exhausted by the whole thing. It's still depressing though. I deleted my Facebook account. For one thing, I spend far too much time there, and for another, I just don't want the possibility of having to deal with David there. I think it will take some time to get used to but in the end, it's a good thing. I've worked on my short story for the writer's group tomorrow, and spent time talking to my kids, so already there's a big difference. That can't be bad.

The biggest shift for me, though, is that I am realizing I can't p
lease everyone, and those I can't please I have to walk away from. This is happening on many levels, and it feels really awkward. For example, I have a student this semester who is a real beeyotch. She's bored, she snickers at things I say, she's over it all, and sits with her arms crossed, daring me. Today she rolled her eyes as I asked a question. So I looked straight at her and mimicked her stare. "Oui, Jessica?" "Hmmmm?" she said. "Tu voulais dire quelque chose?" "Ben...' and she proceeded to answer the question, very weakly, using the word "pièce" for "piece" and proving that she indeed, knows nothing more than anyone else in the class. She got to me, but later I realized I just don't give a shit anymore. I am going to teach to the rest of the students and ignore her and her pissy attitude

And this thing with David. Obviously I can't let it go. But I am trying to, as I see that there is no way to get him to see my point, regardless of what it is. He is either defending himself, attacking me, or apologizing. It's maddening and in the end, I don't have the time or the energy for it. I've never walked away from someone I genuinely like this much, but this will be a first. I just can't beat my head against all these walls anymore.

So tonight I sit here with nothing much to entertain me. I am writing a short piece on an event that happened years ago at the Biltmore Hotel, following a drunken night after an REM show. It's kind of a sad story, as the guy who is the other lead character (besides me) is dead now, and I never really knew him. It's sad, too, because I was so young, and am so old now. It's just a sad, weepy night, and I am wallowing.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Happy birthday, Eddie Poe!


I began a new class this semester, the roman policier, and our first day of class was today, and I taught Murders in the Rue Morgue. Did I remember it was Eddie's birthday??? NO! What kind of bad girlfriend am I?

So to make it up to you, darling man, I will read from my favorite of your poems, Ulalume.

Ahem.

The skies they were ashen and sober;
The leaves they were crisped and sere -
The leaves they were withering and sere;
It was night in the lonesome October
Of my most immemorial year:
It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
In the misty mid region of Weir -
It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

Here once, through and alley Titanic,
Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul -
Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
These were days when my heart was volcanic
As the scoriac rivers that roll -
As the lavas that restlessly roll
Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
In the ultimate climes of the pole -
That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
In the realms of the boreal pole.

Our talk had been serious and sober,
But our thoughts they were palsied and sere -
Our memories were treacherous and sere, -
For we knew not the month was October,
And we marked not the night of the year
(Ah, night of all nights in the year!) -
We noted not the dim lake of Auber
(Though once we had journeyed down here) -
Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

And now, as the night was senescent
And star-dials pointed to morn -
As the star-dials hinted of morn -
At the end of our path a liquescent
And nebulous lustre was born,
Out of which a miraculous crescent
Arose with a duplicate horn -
Astarte's bediamonded crescent
Distinct with its duplicate horn.

And I said: "She is warmer than Dian;
She rolls through an ether of sighs -
She revels in a region of sighs:
She has seen that the tears are not dry on
These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
And has come past the stars of the Lion
To point us the path to the skies -
To the Lethean peace of the skies -
Come up, in despite of the Lion,
To shine on us with her bright eyes -
Come up through the lair of the Lion,
With love in her luminous eyes."

But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
Said: "Sadly this star I mistrust -
Her pallor I strangely mistrust:
Ah, hasten! -ah, let us not linger!
Ah, fly! -let us fly! -for we must."
In terror she spoke, letting sink her
Wings until they trailed in the dust -
In agony sobbed, letting sink her
Plumes till they trailed in the dust -
Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

I replied: "This is nothing but dreaming:
Let us on by this tremulous light!
Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
Its Sybilic splendour is beaming
With Hope and in Beauty tonight! -
See! -it flickers up the sky through the night!
Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
And be sure it will lead us aright -
We safely may trust to a gleaming,
That cannot but guide us aright,
Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
And tempted her out of her gloom -
And conquered her scruples and gloom;
And we passed to the end of the vista,
But were stopped by the door of a tomb -
By the door of a legended tomb;
And I said: "What is written, sweet sister,
On the door of this legended tomb?"
She replied: "Ulalume -Ulalume -
'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
As the leaves that were crisped and sere -
As the leaves that were withering and sere;
And I cried: "It was surely October
On this very night of last year
That I journeyed -I journeyed down here! -
That I brought a dread burden down here -
On this night of all nights in the year,
Ah, what demon hath tempted me here?
Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber -
This misty mid region of Weir -
Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

Happy day, wonderful one.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

December 2010

I am revamping this blog. In the past, it's been a place where I purged a lot of personal stuff, and on the lucky occasion posted something really interesting. Much of that role has been taken over by Facebook. But with FB threatening to self-destruct in the near future, I want to re-establish this as a place for my ramblings and musings, videos and dreams.

Today I want to start with some images of people who evoke something way down inside me. First of all, Anne Sexton, whom Paul Burke introduced me to. Everything she did was gorgeous. She was gorgeous.



And this, stol...um...borrowed from another blog. It's Ian Curtis, shortly before his suicide:



Next, a wonderful story that's had me in tears all day today, May Booker with Thin Lizzy. From the blurb that accompanies the video: "In 1982, a 70-year-old English granny named May Booker wrote a letter to the BBC about her favorite band, and how nice it would be to play with them. Then this happened":



Finally, a beautiful picture of someone I was growing very close to, but who seems to be fading away already:


It's been a very blue day for me.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween girl party!




Why do I agree to these things? Oh yeah...cause it's fun!