December 2010

I am revamping this blog. In the past, it's been a place where I purged a lot of personal stuff, and on the lucky occasion posted something really interesting. Much of that role has been taken over by Facebook. But with FB threatening to self-destruct in the near future, I want to re-establish this as a place for my ramblings and musings, videos and dreams.

Today I want to start with some images of people who evoke something way down inside me. First of all, Anne Sexton, whom Paul Burke introduced me to. Everything she did was gorgeous. She was gorgeous.



And this, stol...um...borrowed from another blog. It's Ian Curtis, shortly before his suicide:



Next, a wonderful story that's had me in tears all day today, May Booker with Thin Lizzy. From the blurb that accompanies the video: "In 1982, a 70-year-old English granny named May Booker wrote a letter to the BBC about her favorite band, and how nice it would be to play with them. Then this happened":



Finally, a beautiful picture of someone I was growing very close to, but who seems to be fading away already:


It's been a very blue day for me.

Shooting in my neighborhood

This morning Sean called me after taking Nick to school. "The house across from Rosie's school has police tape all around it, and there are police everywhere. Be sure the alarm is on and the dog is in; something's going on." I later learned that the man who lives in that house, a parent at my kids' school, had been shot minutes after he walked his kids to school across the street and was coming home to get in his truck and go to work. He later died at the hospital. The whole story is here

Needless to say I've been freaked out all day. They locked down the school, but no one gave us any news or details about the crime. Everything I know I've gotten off the internet or from the news. Apparently there were two guys who shot this man, and they were seen running down LaVista Road afterwards. But even though the school was taken off lockdown after a couple of hours, the news reported tonight (and it says in the above article) that one of the killers was thought to still be in the area bordered by LaVista, Frazier, Lawrenceville Highway, and Montreal....the exact area where we live!

But tonight it seemed to have calmed down. I even took the kids and their sleepover friends out for ice cream, coming back into the house in the dark. Then about an hour ago the police helicopters started up, hovering over our street, shining the lights in our backyard. It's scary as hell.

I am upset for so many different reasons. I keep thinking about that poor dad, saying goodbye to his kids, maybe talking about the weekend or what they were going to do that night, kissing them, telling them to have a great day, and walking away. Those poor kids (aged five and 10) had no idea they were saying goodbye forever.

Then I think about my own kids, and how scared Nicholas was when he got off the bus. He had heard it through the middle school grapevine, and didn't know what was really happening. I had become more and more relaxed about letting him walk places alone, and walking the dog with a friend and the like. Now I'm going back to being lockdown Mom. I hate that.

And I'm just afraid tonight. We have the alarm on, the dog is in, logically I know we're safe, but I know that guy is out there somewhere, and more like him. We aren't ever really safe.

More old photos

Julie and Rick, Berkeley, 1993. He was my boyfriend for many years, and this was a visit just to reconnect as friends. Well, that didn't work!

I'm getting obsessed with my past...need to read some Proust and let it go, maybe. But instead, today I scanned some old pictures I found so I could post them on Facebook. I was surprised at how much time has passed since they were taken. It still seems like just a few years ago, but the first bunch was in Paris in 1991, and the second in San Francisco in 1993...hang on, kids, cause that was 18 and 16 years ago respectively...children have been born and grown up in that time!

I guess it just makes me feel funny because I miss that time, and it doesn't seem very long ago. But my whole life is different now. I wasn't particularly happy back then, but I guess the difference is that I had time, lots of time, both to do stuff, like go to France and San Francisco, as well as the time in front of me as far as the future goes, years and years ahead of me to explore, meet people, change my life, then change it again.

Plus I looked so cute. I know I'm fine and all that now, but I just looked so lovely in these years, which represent my early thirties. I thought I was old when I hit 30, but I wasn't. It was a good time, health-wise, beauty-wise and love-wise. It makes me sad that all I am doing now is getting older, trying not to look it.

I'm not complaining, honestly. Just wondering how it all works. I mean, when do I actually get old, and stop wanting? Am I getting close? I'm not there yet, but I will be one day. No one wants to be 70 years old, but it happens. I'm too young to get old.

Julie with Rick's bike, a 1968? 1972? I can't remember BSA that he loved. We rode it across the Golden Gate Bridge in a raging wind. I thought I might fall off but I didn't.

On our bike ride over the bridge. It smelled like eucalyptus everywhere.

Paris, with my boyfriend Laurent. 1991

Me and my best friend Betty, in Paris. I've kind of lost touch with her, and she was my very best friend for years and years.

Unseen photos

Man, there's nothing like trying to get over a love, being pitifully unable to do so, and suddenly having someone post photos of the two of you that you'd never seen before. I was in FB today, and saw a note that Jackie had tagged me in three of her pics. As soon as I saw the title of the album they were in, "Halloweens over the years," I knew it was gonna be pics of me and Paul. And I was right. These two:


Plus another one of him I hadn't seen, from the same party. I think I must have taken it.


I remember this night so well. It was what proved to be our last Halloween together, 2007. I had found a dress at Rebecca's house that looked just like a playing card, and I decided to be the Queen of Hearts. Paul didn't want to dress up, of course, but he'd do anything for me so he agreed to be the King of Hearts. On our way to the party, which was at Rebecca and Jackie's friends house, we stopped at the liquor store on LaVista, across from McDonald's. Afterwards Paul and I later had a running joke about the guy who worked there, cause when we went up to pay, he looked at my costume and said "Oh! What are you tonight?" or something, in kind of broken English (Paul, do you remember what he said exactly? I can't...) and I said "The Queen of Hearts." He nodded exhuberantly and said "Oh yes, yes! The mother of Jesus!" and we bout died laughing. I'm still unsure what the disconnect was, but it was priceless.

We cut out all the little hearts and I safety pinned them to our clothes in the hotel room before leaving for the party. Paul (or did I?) painted the hearts on my face with an old lipstick, but he wouldn't let me put any on his face...had to draw the line somewhere. We had so much fun at that party, mainly because it was seriously the dullest party either of us could remember ever going to. We kept waiting for the fun to start, then realized that, um, this was it. After finishing all our vodka or whatever we had brought, we left. It was seriously that boring (I apologize if Jackie or Reb are reading this...it was!) We went back to the room and I remember having a fight about something, then making up and having passionate make-up sex for hours and hours.

It was a typical night for us, and I miss it so. I'm happy and very sad at the same time to have seen these pics of the two of us. I remember Paul and I had brought his mother's really old digital camera to the party for some reason (where was my regular camera? How did we get his mom's? And why?) and we took several pics, but never could get them uploaded. I'd always wanted to see the two of us as the King and Queen of Hearts, and I guess I got my wish. A little late, but there's something cosmic in the fact that they just now showed up.

It kind of kills me a little to look at these, especially that second one, where I'm tucked up underneath his arm, his hand on my hip. He always said that we fit together perfectly, and indeed, our body language speaks everything that there was between us. We were very close, in every way, and I have no idea where all that went. We were a part of each other, and that part of me that was his is just all broken to hell. How is it that he doesn't feel this split, this shattered-ness, too? This wasn't just a fling, it was the real deal. These pics verify that for me. Odd that they showed up today, when I've been feeling some things so incredibly strongly about him and me. I'll wait to see what it might mean.

Horoscope for this past week

Your Horoscope - Week of June 30, 2008 Mental confusion during the first part of the week is likely to have your heart tied up in knots. You may be getting mixed signals from the one you love, thus making it hard for you to know where you stand, especially after recent emotional upheavals. Slow down, take a deep breath, and meditate. Don't worry about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Just focus on yourself and ask what's going on within you. On Wednesday and Thursday sensitive lunar energy helps you connect more consciously to your emotions instead of getting spun around by movies in your head. Use this midweek period to tune in and speak clearly from your heart. Wednesday is also the time of this month's New Moon, the time for you to initiate a new beginning in the romantic realm. Instead of trying to play off the actions or reactions of other people, make a resolution within your own heart. Be conscious about what you want to manifest and make your wishes known to the one you love. Over the weekend, put serious issues aside and just have fun.

And I'm thinking this one is a few months late:

Your Lovescope - Tomorrow, July 4, 2008

The current planetary configuration means that someone you have been writing to over the Internet may become a lot more than a name in your in-box. There is every chance that a meeting between you will prove to very successful, and you will both feel as if you have finally met your soul mate. The conversation between you is likely to be strange, bizarre, and totally exciting.

Reading and other grownup activities

Thanks to my good friend, Mike in Austin, I have discovered this cool site and have invited many of you to join. Ahem. It's really a nice diversion, since I've got NOTHING I SHOULD BE DOING. Well at least it's literary, and it makes me feel smart. It's called Goodreads, and it's an online community of readers. Go check it out, it's fun.

I'm having a funky funk of a week. I don't know what to do about my life. It's all a jumbledmess and now I'm feeling like I'm a total selfish bitch for fixating on what I want when others are involved and I fear I'm no longer respecting their needs. I can't seem to find boundaries or direction anymore. Gah. So I'm burying myself in reading. I've just finished American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. It was a damn rollercoaster ride of a book...scary, compelling, funny, horrible. I love a serial killer, but this was something totally different. Upsetting, but in a good way, which makes it even more upsetting. Now I'm getting into my next book, Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco, a total change of pace. It's difficulte to navigate, but really worth the headache. I'll keep you posted.

Tell me something, people, how do you make decisions? Faced with a really hard decision, where there are two options, both of which will result in a lot of pain, how do you decide? Vague, I know, but I can't get into it. So just speaking generally...how do you proceed with painful decisions?

March 6

I'm pretty happy about my birthday this year, mainly cause I've got a major party this weekend, drinking absinthe and spending an extended period of time with a man who makes me insanely happy. I am counting the minutes until our 19th century debauchery re-enactment begins.

I also am damn happy this year because I've come through the fire and survived, and maybe even become a better person. I never thought I'd be saying this so soon - relatively speaking - but I am better. More than better, I am fine. I'm healed, quoi...

Thank you, Jesus. And everyone else who pulled me though this.

The hits just keep on coming

I adore this woman. Please indulge me and watch the clip. I aspire to her flirting skills, and can only hope to ever be as forthright as she is.

I swear the guy says "'Thee-o' lonious" after she mentions Monk. He doesn't deserve this job, whatever it is. But what's our girl got against Billie Holiday???



"So when you write a song, who's the first person you play it for?" Her expression after that one is priceless.

Anyway, on to other things. I'm going to be real pithy here, and say that life sure is funny. My world has taken a 180 in the last week. I'm happy. Not just 'happy' but some word that's much bigger than that. It's like the sun came out or something. More later, cause right now I'm kind of speechless, which makes writing a blog entry kind of futile.

Dissurtayshun

I met with Candace today. She's my advisor. We had a long, serious discussion about me leaving the program. Lately I just haven't had it in me to finish (read: start) this goddamn dissertation. It's like a brick wall, and even when I feel good about it, and think I've got a clever idea as to how to approach the topic and possibly even write something, I just end up going in circles. Again.

So today I presented her with a plan that I worked out this past weekend. Or maybe it was last night. In any event, I narrowed down the topic, stripped away some stuff that it's just not possible for me to write about with any semblance of intelligence, and developed a method that I think will get me finished in six months, or damn near close. I told Candace, "I have to get a significant chunk of this done in the next six months, or throw in the towel completely." And she said "Don't throw in the towel completely. You've worked too hard. It's really not even an option." So being the good little advisee that I am, I didn't.

Now I feel confident and capable. I am going to tackle this with a vengeance, and even if I never end up teaching a single college course after this summer (I'm teaching summer school French 102....WHY???), by the end of the year you shall all have to call me.....drum roll, please....DR. HOUSE!!!! Only not as hot as the REAL Dr. House.

OH Greg. You do it for me, baby...

What is Love?

My daughter just asked me a difficult question. Recently she has become interested in Zac Ephron and those twins from "The Suite Life of Zac and Cody" and some other cute boys from t.v. and movies. She's decided she wants to be famous so she can be a guest star on "Hannah Montana."

So tonight as I'm kissing her goodnight, she says "Mom, what sort of things does a boy say to you when he likes you?"

Wow. You're asking the wrong person, girl! Immediately I think of all those things, so many things: "I love you in ways that I don't even understand." "I want to be your man so badly that it tears me up inside." "We have only hinted as to what potentially lies ahead for us." "You are such a catch. So beautiful, smart and loving." "I want a life with you...day to day, you know, routine stuff." "Kitten - I love you like I've never loved another living soul."

Those are the things a guy says to you when he "likes you." Or at least I thought that was what they meant. But it didn't really turn out to be the case, did it? How can I advise my daughter on something so big as "how do I know when a boy likes me?" when I've been so wrong at judging another's true feelings, his intentions, his character?

Well, I have to try. I tell her, "Honey, he might say anything, really. Like 'You are such a good friend,' or 'I always have fun when we're together.'"

"What if we're out on a date? What would he say then?"

A date...hmmm, let me try to remember..."Well, he might say, 'I am so happy to go with you to the dance!' or 'You look very pretty tonight."

To which she added, "Or he might say, 'It's okay, darling, I'll buy the popcorn.'" Yes exactly.

But I felt it important to add, "Just make sure you always feel good when you're with him. If he ever makes you feel bad, or is mean to you, just don't go out with him anymore." There. Bases covered, right?

Wrong. Do you know what she said then, my little psychic one? "But what if I love him?"

Yes, honey. Exactly. What if you love him? That is kind of the mother of all relationship questions. I forge on, determined to win this battle, a battle more with myself than with anyone else. "Well, you just have to decide. If you feel bad more than you feel good when you're around him, then you have to stop seeing him."

"But what if I really, REALLY love him?"

I had no answer.