Flu

Impossible Things, by Lissy Elle

I don't know if I can blame everything on the flu, but I'm going to try. I've been sick for over a week, and though I went back to school Wednesday, I still feel like death warmed over. I came home today and slept for three hours, and didn't even make dinner for the kids. I am plum wore out.

My horoscope said yesterday that I was in for some very big life shifts, and I think I just lived through one. I'm giving up on this relationship, which was doomed from the beginning anyway. He's too irrational and self-centered, and I'm exhausted by the whole thing. It's still depressing though. I deleted my Facebook account. For one thing, I spend far too much time there, and for another, I just don't want the possibility of having to deal with David there. I think it will take some time to get used to but in the end, it's a good thing. I've worked on my short story for the writer's group tomorrow, and spent time talking to my kids, so already there's a big difference. That can't be bad.

The biggest shift for me, though, is that I am realizing I can't please everyone, and those I can't please I have to walk away from. This is happening on many levels, and it feels really awkward. For example, I have a student this semester who is a real beeyotch. She's bored, she snickers at things I say, she's over it all, and sits with her arms crossed, daring me. Today she rolled her eyes as I asked a question. So I looked straight at her and mimicked her stare. "Oui, Jessica?" "Hmmmm?" she said. "Tu voulais dire quelque chose?" "Ben...' and she proceeded to answer the question, very weakly, using the word "pièce" for "piece" and proving that she indeed, knows nothing more than anyone else in the class. She got to me, but later I realized I just don't give a shit anymore. I am going to teach to the rest of the students and ignore her and her pissy attitude

And this thing with David. Obviously I can't let it go. But I am trying to, as I see that there is no way to get him to see my point, regardless of what it is. He is either defending himself, attacking me, or apologizing. It's maddening and in the end, I don't have the time or the energy for it. I've never walked away from someone I genuinely like this much, but this will be a first. I just can't beat my head against all these walls anymore.

So tonight I sit here with nothing much to entertain me. I am writing a short piece on an event that happened years ago at the Biltmore Hotel, following a drunken night after an REM show. It's kind of a sad story, as the guy who is the other lead character (besides me) is dead now, and I never really knew him. It's sad, too, because I was so young, and am so old now. It's just a sad, weepy night, and I am wallowing.

Time

Geez, what happened to August? For me it has been like a wasted month, a time spent marking days off a calendar, waiting. And I've still got so far to go.

I am finally ready to file for divorce. It has taken this long for everyone to agree on the wording of certain (money-related) items. We've had to write and re-write, and the delay has radically drained my spirit. I feel spent and empty, and very tired. On the bright side, it will all be official on Tuesday. I feel liberated and relieved about that. But I think I've aged about five years in the last month, and I fear I'll age another ten before it's finalized and I can see my man again. Ouch.

Today's entry is not really going to be about much. I'm just marking time. I'm going to see John Wesley Harding tonight at Eddie's Attic. He's a good friend of mine and I haven't seen him in about three years. It should be fun. Here's a sampling of his stuff. It's from some in-store performance, but is the only video performance of one of my favorite songs that I could find. Listening to the words today, I realize the song could be about me, though Wes and I aren't like THAT, of course.



That's my pal Rob Lloyd on the keyboards. Ah, music. See, I feel better already!

Exactly how I feel right now

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Just change the "she" to "he"...

Athens Rewind Two Years Out

Two years ago this weekend we were immersed in the blow-out that was Athens Rewind. Now it seems so long ago. Given the direction our lives have taken I can't see this event ever happening again. Here are some images from Athens then and, well, then again.

Oh yeah, we're still the coolest fucking people on the planet.

Whiskers on kittens...

My poor cat Claudine has been feeling very needy and neglected lately. And by lately I mean ever since the arrival of Jazz, the dog. Claudie was a rescue kitty who apparently had mean owners before she came to live with us...mean owners who apparently did something very scary to her with pillows, since pillows are among her most feared objects. And vacuum cleaners. And small children. And most noises...

It took Claudie about two months to come out from under the big desk in the playroom and show the family how beautiful she really is. It took her another couple of months to show us her sweet disposition. It took her another six months or so to feel comfortable with us. As the years went by she got her little cat schedule down pat. Morning: Sleep till about 10, get up for some food, sleep in the playroom in the patch of sunshine. Afternoon: Sleep till about 4, have some food, sleep on the sofa in the living room. Evening: Go outside for awhile, come in for awhile, eat, sleep. Nightime: Go outside again, generally do cat things, meow at the window around dawn to come back in, eat, sleep.

With the arrival of Jazz, poor Claudine is traumatized: much noise in the backyard....funny dog smells...barking outside the window...catmint patch trampled on. But the main change is that her schedule is all wonky. There's no more sleeping in the patch of sunshine, since Jazz sometimes comes in the playroom. There's no more sleeping on the sofa in the living room, since it's next to the window to where much barking occurs. She can only go out at night when the pup is in, which means CHANGE. Kitties don't like change.

So to honor my sweet Claudine, here she is in all her bathing glory. Enjoy the beauty of a clean cat.

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