Friday, January 28, 2011
I don't know if I can blame everything on the flu, but I'm going to try. I've been sick for over a week, and though I went back to school Wednesday, I still feel like death warmed over. I came home today and slept for three hours, and didn't even make dinner for the kids. I am plum wore out.
My horoscope said yesterday that I was in for some very big life shifts, and I think I just lived through one. I'm giving up on this relationship, which was doomed from the beginning anyway. He's too irrational and self-centered, and I'm exhausted by the whole thing. It's still depressing though. I deleted my Facebook account. For one thing, I spend far too much time there, and for another, I just don't want the possibility of having to deal with David there. I think it will take some time to get used to but in the end, it's a good thing. I've worked on my short story for the writer's group tomorrow, and spent time talking to my kids, so already there's a big difference. That can't be bad.
The biggest shift for me, though, is that I am realizing I can't please everyone, and those I can't please I have to walk away from. This is happening on many levels, and it feels really awkward. For example, I have a student this semester who is a real beeyotch. She's bored, she snickers at things I say, she's over it all, and sits with her arms crossed, daring me. Today she rolled her eyes as I asked a question. So I looked straight at her and mimicked her stare. "Oui, Jessica?" "Hmmmm?" she said. "Tu voulais dire quelque chose?" "Ben...' and she proceeded to answer the question, very weakly, using the word "pièce" for "piece" and proving that she indeed, knows nothing more than anyone else in the class. She got to me, but later I realized I just don't give a shit anymore. I am going to teach to the rest of the students and ignore her and her pissy attitude
And this thing with David. Obviously I can't let it go. But I am trying to, as I see that there is no way to get him to see my point, regardless of what it is. He is either defending himself, attacking me, or apologizing. It's maddening and in the end, I don't have the time or the energy for it. I've never walked away from someone I genuinely like this much, but this will be a first. I just can't beat my head against all these walls anymore.
So tonight I sit here with nothing much to entertain me. I am writing a short piece on an event that happened years ago at the Biltmore Hotel, following a drunken night after an REM show. It's kind of a sad story, as the guy who is the other lead character (besides me) is dead now, and I never really knew him. It's sad, too, because I was so young, and am so old now. It's just a sad, weepy night, and I am wallowing.