ciao manhattan

Runway Separated at Birth

2011-10-06T22:49:00.005-04:00

Just sayin'.

2011-07-13T01:43:00.000-04:00

Such a fine place.

Prayers needed

2011-02-03T22:21:00.002-05:00

Regarding my last post, please go to this blog and pray for my son's friend, Thomas:

http://prayforthomas.blogspot.com/

Accidents and grace

2011-02-01T22:57:00.004-05:00

My son was supposed to go on a skiing trip with his boy scout troop last weekend. I was so nervous about letting him go, for many reasons. Something just didn't feel right, and I couldn't shake it. I had already told him it was okay for him to go, and we'd borrowed the money from my mom and started planning for it. But like I told her, I just felt wrong about the whole thing, but I couldn't stop it as I had already told him he could go.

Wednesday he got sick. Thursday he was diagnosed with the flu. Needless to say, we gave up his spot on the trip. I knew he was disappointed, but I said a quick prayer of thanks to God for letting him get the flu. I knew it was irrational, but I was relieved and happy he was safe at home with me.

Today I heard from the parent of another scout. He said "Well you sure are lucky Nick got the flu. Did you hear what happened on the ski trip?" No, I hadn't heard anything, but thought maybe he was going to tell me they'd had bad weather or everyone had gotten food poisoning or something. "This boy, Thomas Sowell, fell while learning to snowboard. He got dragged down the slope by the snowboard. He has serious brain injury and is in a coma."

This child, another 15 year old, is in a coma. I cannot shake the horrible sick feeling I've had ever since he told me this news. I keep thinking about my fears about the trip, and how I knew I was going to have to let Nick go even though I was terribly worried. I imagined me telling him goodbye at the door as he left, telling myself it would be okay. I imagined me talking myself out of worries, and watching him pack his underwear and toothbrush and kissing me goodbye. All those things I would have felt had he gone, this child's mother felt as she kissed her son goodbye. She told herself it would be okay, that she had to let him grow up, that she would see him soon and would be able to breathe again.

But none of that happened. Her son is in a coma, he might die, he may never talk or recognize her again. She packed his underwear and made sure he had warm gloves and a hat for skiing. She gave him money to spend at McDonald's on the way to North Carolina. She told him to take pictures and to try not to stay up all night. She prayed hard for him to be safe, and kissed him as he climbed into the car. And she may never see him again.

Why does this happen? How can God be this cruel? How can an innocent child leave his parents to go on a short vacation with his boy scout troop, and never come back? I am so upset and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. I don't know why I am so affected, but that poor mother and father, and that poor boy. I just want to throw up.

Flu

2011-01-28T23:41:00.007-05:00

Impossible Things, by Lissy Elle

I don't know if I can blame everything on the flu, but I'm going to try. I've been sick for over a week, and though I went back to school Wednesday, I still feel like death warmed over. I came home today and slept for three hours, and didn't even make dinner for the kids. I am plum wore out.

My horoscope said yesterday that I was in for some very big life shifts, and I think I just lived through one. I'm giving up on this relationship, which was doomed from the beginning anyway. He's too irrational and self-centered, and I'm exhausted by the whole thing. It's still depressing though. I deleted my Facebook account. For one thing, I spend far too much time there, and for another, I just don't want the possibility of having to deal with David there. I think it will take some time to get used to but in the end, it's a good thing. I've worked on my short story for the writer's group tomorrow, and spent time talking to my kids, so already there's a big difference. That can't be bad.

The biggest shift for me, though, is that I am realizing I can't please everyone, and those I can't please I have to walk away from. This is happening on many levels, and it feels really awkward. For example, I have a student this semester who is a real beeyotch. She's bored, she snickers at things I say, she's over it all, and sits with her arms crossed, daring me. Today she rolled her eyes as I asked a question. So I looked straight at her and mimicked her stare. "Oui, Jessica?" "Hmmmm?" she said. "Tu voulais dire quelque chose?" "Ben...' and she proceeded to answer the question, very weakly, using the word "pièce" for "piece" and proving that she indeed, knows nothing more than anyone else in the class. She got to me, but later I realized I just don't give a shit anymore. I am going to teach to the rest of the students and ignore her and her pissy attitude

And this thing with David. Obviously I can't let it go. But I am trying to, as I see that there is no way to get him to see my point, regardless of what it is. He is either defending himself, attacking me, or apologizing. It's maddening and in the end, I don't have the time or the energy for it. I've never walked away from someone I genuinely like this much, but this will be a first. I just can't beat my head against all these walls anymore.

So tonight I sit here with nothing much to entertain me. I am writing a short piece on an event that happened years ago at the Biltmore Hotel, following a drunken night after an REM show. It's kind of a sad story, as the guy who is the other lead character (besides me) is dead now, and I never really knew him. It's sad, too, because I was so young, and am so old now. It's just a sad, weepy night, and I am wallowing.

Happy birthday, Eddie Poe!

2011-01-19T23:59:00.005-05:00

I began a new class this semester, the roman policier, and our first day of class was today, and I taught Murders in the Rue Morgue. Did I remember it was Eddie's birthday??? NO! What kind of bad girlfriend am I?

So to make it up to you, darling man, I will read from my favorite of your poems, Ulalume.

Ahem.

The skies they were ashen and sober;
The leaves they were crisped and sere -
The leaves they were withering and sere;
It was night in the lonesome October
Of my most immemorial year:
It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
In the misty mid region of Weir -
It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

Here once, through and alley Titanic,
Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul -
Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
These were days when my heart was volcanic
As the scoriac rivers that roll -
As the lavas that restlessly roll
Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
In the ultimate climes of the pole -
That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
In the realms of the boreal pole.

Our talk had been serious and sober,
But our thoughts they were palsied and sere -
Our memories were treacherous and sere, -
For we knew not the month was October,
And we marked not the night of the year
(Ah, night of all nights in the year!) -
We noted not the dim lake of Auber
(Though once we had journeyed down here) -
Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

And now, as the night was senescent
And star-dials pointed to morn -
As the star-dials hinted of morn -
At the end of our path a liquescent
And nebulous lustre was born,
Out of which a miraculous crescent
Arose with a duplicate horn -
Astarte's bediamonded crescent
Distinct with its duplicate horn.

And I said: "She is warmer than Dian;
She rolls through an ether of sighs -
She revels in a region of sighs:
She has seen that the tears are not dry on
These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
And has come past the stars of the Lion
To point us the path to the skies -
To the Lethean peace of the skies -
Come up, in despite of the Lion,
To shine on us with her bright eyes -
Come up through the lair of the Lion,
With love in her luminous eyes."

But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
Said: "Sadly this star I mistrust -
Her pallor I strangely mistrust:
Ah, hasten! -ah, let us not linger!
Ah, fly! -let us fly! -for we must."
In terror she spoke, letting sink her
Wings until they trailed in the dust -
In agony sobbed, letting sink her
Plumes till they trailed in the dust -
Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

I replied: "This is nothing but dreaming:
Let us on by this tremulous light!
Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
Its Sybilic splendour is beaming
With Hope and in Beauty tonight! -
See! -it flickers up the sky through the night!
Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
And be sure it will lead us aright -
We safely may trust to a gleaming,
That cannot but guide us aright,
Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
And tempted her out of her gloom -
And conquered her scruples and gloom;
And we passed to the end of the vista,
But were stopped by the door of a tomb -
By the door of a legended tomb;
And I said: "What is written, sweet sister,
On the door of this legended tomb?"
She replied: "Ulalume -Ulalume -
'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
As the leaves that were crisped and sere -
As the leaves that were withering and sere;
And I cried: "It was surely October
On this very night of last year
That I journeyed -I journeyed down here! -
That I brought a dread burden down here -
On this night of all nights in the year,
Ah, what demon hath tempted me here?
Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber -
This misty mid region of Weir -
Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

Happy day, wonderful one.

December 2010

2010-12-07T17:22:00.009-05:00

I am revamping this blog. In the past, it's been a place where I purged a lot of personal stuff, and on the lucky occasion posted something really interesting. Much of that role has been taken over by Facebook. But with FB threatening to self-destruct in the near future, I want to re-establish this as a place for my ramblings and musings, videos and dreams.

Today I want to start with some images of people who evoke something way down inside me. First of all, Anne Sexton, whom Paul Burke introduced me to. Everything she did was gorgeous. She was gorgeous.

And this, stol...um...borrowed from another blog. It's Ian Curtis, shortly before his suicide:

Next, a wonderful story that's had me in tears all day today, May Booker with Thin Lizzy. From the blurb that accompanies the video: "In 1982, a 70-year-old English granny named May Booker wrote a letter to the BBC about her favorite band, and how nice it would be to play with them. Then this happened":

Finally, a beautiful picture of someone I was growing very close to, but who seems to be fading away already:

It's been a very blue day for me.

Halloween girl party!

2009-10-30T21:07:00.002-04:00

Why do I agree to these things? Oh yeah...cause it's fun!

So busy

2009-08-28T16:57:00.006-04:00

I am probably going to have to discontinue this blog, at least temporarily. Obviously I haven't posted anything since July so I'm off to a good discontinuation start!

Here's the deal: I have one more chapter to finish in my dissertation, three that need to be revised, and an October deadline. I am teaching full time again this semester, and while it seems as if it will be an easy one, there are still lesson plans to write and papers to grade. Not to mention the still unplanned film festival I'm supposed to be in charge of. I also have my Darlington reunion in a month, which I am also in charge of. Then there are the kids and their school issues. Mainly there is my sweet lover boyfriend best friend angel, who takes up all my thoughts all day and most of the night.

We've been together since June, and I am pretty sure (well, okay, totally sure) this is the real deal. Unfortunately he lives in Valdosta, give or take a few miles, and we are trying to get him here, which takes up more time. I am not complaining, though. He is the kindest man I have ever known, and funny and smart and exciting. So all that to say, if I have to give up something, it has to be the blog.

I know you all understand, sad as you may be...I'll be back when things slow down!

Man in my life

2009-07-15T01:05:00.007-04:00

So who would think I have the capacity to love someone again? Okay, I would...obviously a couple of bad rotten apples aren't gonna freeze up my heart. But damn...this one came out of nowhere and totally swept me away. Paul Burke, yes THAT Paul Burke, and I are together. He's smart, sweet, funny, cute, kind, sexy...everything anyone could want. And he loves me. Wow.

We sort of knew each other, or rather I knew him, or rather I knew OF him, back in the early Atlanta music days. He's been in lots of (really cool) bands and stuff, and was part of the whole Now Explosion scene, and the American Music Show thingy that was on cable, and all kinds of performance groups an stuff. So we started talking on Facebook and we were both like WOW. You're kind of awesome. And then we met up in Macon (cause he's not local, damnation) and bing...everything clicked into place.

I gotta say, this is the best man I've been with, ever. And he's a better fit than anyone has ever been. Ever. So pardon me for gushing but YAY LOVE!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention he's also an actor? And really really funny? And an amazing writer? And avant-garde like no one I've known before? Well now I did...

Am I beaming enough?

Burke

2009-06-30T13:12:00.002-04:00

Old photo, new favorite person in the world.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T04:44:00.006-04:00

Just missing my dad today. Kind of blue. He was a sweet, smart, loving father, and I'll never have anyone love me that much again. Love you, dad.

NED Fest

2009-06-02T21:08:00.014-04:00

We had a throwdown Friday night in Athens, and I've just about recovered enough to write about it. A few months ago Lynda

Lynda shows KO how it all works

said she was thinking about getting Oh OK together to play a benefit for Ingrid, and wanted to know where I thought would be a good place to hold it. She said she was looking into getting some more bands together and maybe have an art auction too. I said to contact Little Kings, which she did, and voila! NED Fest!

Beautiful artwork from Michael Oliveri, Sam Seawright and Andy Cherewick

First of all, Ingrid is our lovely sweet talented FUN friend who is beating breast cancer's ass for the second time.

The Lovely Ingrid

She had it once before in 1995 (is that right, Ing?) and had been cancer-free until this year, when they found something under her arm. She has undergone six rounds of chemo and is facing it all like a total trooper (not moany groney at all!) and since she's way up in Boston, we wanted to do something to help her out, long-distance wise. NED stands for "No Evidence of Disease", Ingrid's goal which she will reach, I have no doubt. So NED Fest seemed appropriate as the title of the party!

Volunteers extraordinaire Rebecca, Amy and Asia

I enlisted KO, planning superstar,

The Lovely KO

and we got Kim too, since she has gallery experience, and we took over the auction/art side of the night, while Lynda focused on bands and t-shirts. We ended up with fourteen artists, 23 works of art, one vacation package, three yoga packages, a book package, two REM collectors' items and two sets of jewelry sent in by two different jewelers. We raised $5000 on the art, door donations and t-shirt sales, plus another $5000 someone donated in an anonymous check.

Sunny, KO, Marianne, Lynda and John, with birdhouse he won

Here are some action shots of the evening:

After the wonderful event at Little Kings, after we finished up the bands and closed the auction and distributed the goods, we went to KO's room at the hotel for an after-party. Of course, things soon devolved into old school craziness which lasted till 5:00 am:

All in all a great success! And only a teeny hangover on Saturday!

Hellooooo

2009-05-27T03:41:00.002-04:00

I'm super busy, but wanted to drop in and say hi to my faithful readers. TONS of news but it will have to be posted after my trip to Athens. More later.

"Normal people are so hostile"

2009-05-02T00:42:00.006-04:00

That's a quote from Dexter, my favorite show and my ultimate hero. If you've never seen the show, he's a serial killer who only takes out bad guys. But mainly he's incredibly hot, and smart, and just all around fabulous. He often says fabulous things, like the title of my post. It fits today but I won't bore you with details. I just want to give a shout out to my charming visitors, and the occasional pesky nosy neighbor, who shouldn't be on my blog in the first place:

Next, to the real world. Last weekend turned out to be a complete blast, only to be followed by this week which has also been amazing. I'm finished for the year! Yippee! All that is left to do is to finish the dissertation and I'm golden. Life is good.

I'm working right now on a chapter on theater and mimesis, focusing on Genet and Artaud in general and Les Bonnes in particular. It's added a whole new dimension to the dissertation, which feels much richer now. If only I could make all the chapters feel like they fit together. But they all seem almost independent of each other. Chapter one covers the traditional murder narrative, the expectations of readers and analyses of a few early stories. Chapter two discusses the Papin sisters, their crime, testimony and trial, looking at how this true crime refuses incorporation into any traditional murder narrative. Chapter three examines the killer and the female as other, beginning with Aristotle's designation of female as monstrous and working towards other types of alterity created by/confirmed in their crime. Chapter four discusses theater and its ability to incorporate this monstrous other into the self, thus being the sole medium able to tell the story of the Papin sisters in a way that captures the essence of the women and their crime. Anyway it's exciting to get back to writing and to leave teaching behind for a while.

Here are a few images from various productions of Les Bonnes. The first is from a Theatre des Halles in Avignon's 2006 production of the play:

I love this set, from Teatro Altrove in Genova, 2008:

And this amazingly beautiful stage set by Alain Ollivier from the Studio-Theatre de Vitry in 1991:
What I would give to be able to actually see this play! Is anyone putting it on anytime soon?

Okay, back to work...

Going to Athens

2009-04-24T16:31:00.011-04:00

Cathy and I are heading up to Athens tomorrow. I'm excited but at the same time kind of not. We are going to a huge celebration in honor of John Seawright, a most beloved human being (see here and here,) and a party afterwards. I am happy to see all the people who will be attending, and hope to see my crush there, but there's also the ick factor, also known as "What if Paul and Ugh are there?" I doubt they will be, honestly, but you never know. If there's free booze and the possibility of getting high, Paul just might show. I shouldn't let it bother me; like Cat says, if they are there I will just hold my head high and ignore them, knowing how far beneath me they are. But still, I don't want to have to LOOK AT THEM and have it ruin my day. But my crush will be there, and lots of other fabulous people, so fuck em.

Good things about going to Athens tomorrow:

Cathy

Athenians I love

John Seawright
KO
TStand
Bad things about going to Athens tomorrow:

Paul
Ugh
Okay, the good outweigh the bad. Just pray for me, people, that it turns out to be a drama-free visit, in the spirit of the sweetheart that was John Seawright.

Vacation, kids and ghosties

2009-04-15T21:56:00.001-04:00

I've been so negligent of my blog. I guess that is good and bad: good in that I've been very busy, bad in that I'm getting lazy and out of the habit of writing. Not to mention the fact that nothing REALLY is going on in my life. There's no excitement, no love affairs, no heartbreak (well, let's face it, I'd rather have no love affair than a heavy affair and breakup. Or would I?), no breakthroughs in my work. The semester is winding down...thank God!...and I'm just in cruise mode for the next two weeks.

One exciting event is that last week was the kids' spring break and we took a trip to Chattanooga. Wait...let me back up... first we had several surprise gatherings. One at Deb and Tom's house, which was loads of fun (cookout, good conversation, relaxed evening outside,) and then several with Nick and Rosie's friends either here or elsewhere, so it felt like they were really on vacation, though we didn't leave town till Thursday.

Read House, haunted hotel, lobby

So, Thursday we took off for Chattanooga, our vacation-destination-when- we-can't-afford-a-vacation destination. It's always a fun time, and this visit Rosie and I were determined to see the ghost of room 311. I had researched the ghostly stuff in some detail this time, and I knew the room would more than likely be empty, as they don't assign it to people unless they request it. As soon as we arrived we wandered the halls, to see if we could find someone to let us in the room. Alas, there was no one around.

Oooo spooky. So we wandered around exploring the hotel. Here's some cool stuff we found:

Original elevator sign

Original phone booths

Service area staircase

Then, back in our room, where I took more pictures. And lo and behold: Orbs!

The next day we did the usual Chattanooga things, had a yummy dinner at the Blue Water Grill, then came back for more exploring. This is a fabulous old post office downtown:

And an art deco beauty, "The Times":

And then there's Roy's Grill, possibly in an old Krystal, apparently vacant, sadly:

Saturday we took off for Mom's, but not before MORE exploring, this time around the Chickamauga battlefield. Very beautiful but kind of too much to get to today. Tune in next time for "Ghosts on a Confederate Battlefield"...

Shooting in my neighborhood

2009-03-27T23:39:00.006-04:00

This morning Sean called me after taking Nick to school. "The house across from Rosie's school has police tape all around it, and there are police everywhere. Be sure the alarm is on and the dog is in; something's going on." I later learned that the man who lives in that house, a parent at my kids' school, had been shot minutes after he walked his kids to school across the street and was coming home to get in his truck and go to work. He later died at the hospital. The whole story is here

Needless to say I've been freaked out all day. They locked down the school, but no one gave us any news or details about the crime. Everything I know I've gotten off the internet or from the news. Apparently there were two guys who shot this man, and they were seen running down LaVista Road afterwards. But even though the school was taken off lockdown after a couple of hours, the news reported tonight (and it says in the above article) that one of the killers was thought to still be in the area bordered by LaVista, Frazier, Lawrenceville Highway, and Montreal....the exact area where we live!

But tonight it seemed to have calmed down. I even took the kids and their sleepover friends out for ice cream, coming back into the house in the dark. Then about an hour ago the police helicopters started up, hovering over our street, shining the lights in our backyard. It's scary as hell.

I am upset for so many different reasons. I keep thinking about that poor dad, saying goodbye to his kids, maybe talking about the weekend or what they were going to do that night, kissing them, telling them to have a great day, and walking away. Those poor kids (aged five and 10) had no idea they were saying goodbye forever.

Then I think about my own kids, and how scared Nicholas was when he got off the bus. He had heard it through the middle school grapevine, and didn't know what was really happening. I had become more and more relaxed about letting him walk places alone, and walking the dog with a friend and the like. Now I'm going back to being lockdown Mom. I hate that.

And I'm just afraid tonight. We have the alarm on, the dog is in, logically I know we're safe, but I know that guy is out there somewhere, and more like him. We aren't ever really safe.

Happy Birthday, Dad

2009-03-23T15:25:00.001-04:00

Today is my sweet dad's birthday. He would have turned 73 today. I miss him. This picture is from his last birthday, March 23, 2006. He was turning 70. He left too early, and it's never been the same around here without him.

More old photos

2009-03-14T23:32:00.006-04:00

Julie and Rick, Berkeley, 1993. He was my boyfriend for many years, and this was a visit just to reconnect as friends. Well, that didn't work!

I'm getting obsessed with my past...need to read some Proust and let it go, maybe. But instead, today I scanned some old pictures I found so I could post them on Facebook. I was surprised at how much time has passed since they were taken. It still seems like just a few years ago, but the first bunch was in Paris in 1991, and the second in San Francisco in 1993...hang on, kids, cause that was 18 and 16 years ago respectively...children have been born and grown up in that time!

I guess it just makes me feel funny because I miss that time, and it doesn't seem very long ago. But my whole life is different now. I wasn't particularly happy back then, but I guess the difference is that I had time, lots of time, both to do stuff, like go to France and San Francisco, as well as the time in front of me as far as the future goes, years and years ahead of me to explore, meet people, change my life, then change it again.

Plus I looked so cute. I know I'm fine and all that now, but I just looked so lovely in these years, which represent my early thirties. I thought I was old when I hit 30, but I wasn't. It was a good time, health-wise, beauty-wise and love-wise. It makes me sad that all I am doing now is getting older, trying not to look it.

I'm not complaining, honestly. Just wondering how it all works. I mean, when do I actually get old, and stop wanting? Am I getting close? I'm not there yet, but I will be one day. No one wants to be 70 years old, but it happens. I'm too young to get old.

Julie with Rick's bike, a 1968? 1972? I can't remember BSA that he loved. We rode it across the Golden Gate Bridge in a raging wind. I thought I might fall off but I didn't.

On our bike ride over the bridge. It smelled like eucalyptus everywhere.

Paris, with my boyfriend Laurent. 1991

Me and my best friend Betty, in Paris. I've kind of lost touch with her, and she was my very best friend for years and years.

Blast From the Past

2009-03-09T22:36:00.007-04:00

For some reason I'm totally freaked out by this. I found some very old friends on Facebook, and have reconnected not only with them, but with the person I was back then.

My whole life has been a series of starting over, of getting settled somewhere, then having to move and be the new girl again. Seeing these pictures reminds me of who I was at that one moment in history, when I was for one of the only times in my life, well-adjusted. We lived in Houston, Texas, and I was about 13 years old in these pictures. We had moved to Houston from Beaumont, Texas in the middle of fifth grade, and I had to start school in March of the last year of grammar school with a bunch of kids who'd been together since kindergarten. It was fine, though, as they were all really nice kids, and my teacher was a particularly kind ex-football player, who loved to impress us by tearing the Houston white pages in half with his bare hands. I still remember being shown to his class that first day, while the students were all out at recess. He chose a desk for me which was next to a girl who he knew would be nice to me, and then he sat down beside me and kind of took me under his wing, saying "You are going to just love it here, and if anything happens that bothers you, you be sure to tell me."

The next year I went to Spring Forest Jr High School, which was right next door to Meadowwood Elementary where I had been for fifth grade. There I made a lot of new friends, and for the first time began to feel like I really belonged somewhere, like I was accepted, 'cool', able to just be, and go with whatever I felt. I remember so many little bits and pieces of those years, the trashy teenage books we read, walking to school from my house with friends, or walking home, having lunch in the cafeteria which played the cool local radio station over speakers during lunch. I still remember hearing "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr, "The Loco-Motion" by Grank Funk, "Rock On" by David Essex, "Hooked on a Feeling" by whoever that was ;-), "Nothin from Nothin" by Billy Preston. I remember smoking cigarettes for the first time on the back of the school bus on the way home, going to band class (where I was first chair flute for many a month) and having sleepovers and painting our fingernails crazy colors. And I remember the crushes I had on various boys, the first time I remember really thinking about the opposite sex: Karl Gruhlkey, John Mays, and the ultimate crush of all times (and quite ironic in that he and I were both shy and NEVER said a word to each other) Dennis Blaine. I was pretty, I had friends, and I loved my life.

Now I look at these images of myself and get really sad. I miss that girl, and I find myself wondering who I would have been if I had stayed in Houston instead of moving first to Pensacola, Florida, then back to Rome, Georgia. I know it's ridiculous to even go there, but I honestly think I would have been a very different person, more secure and less self-conscious, happier maybe, more myself somehow, the me who is hidden under all these damn layers.

Anyway, thanks to Sarah and Kelly and Hale for welcoming me back into the Texas fold. It is wonderful.

Happy Birfday to me

2009-03-06T00:12:00.001-05:00

I am celebrating this year with a bunch of friends in an Irish pub, then with my kids, then with Morrissey. It's all good, except the turning 35 part...

Randy Bewley Funeral Services

2009-02-27T23:23:00.002-05:00

Randy Bewley

Visitation
Friday February 27
6-8 p.m.
Bernstein Funeral Home
3195 Atlanta Highway
Athens, GA 30606
Funeral Service
Saturday
1 p.m.
Emmanuel Episcopal Church
498 Prince Avenue
Athens, GA 30601

Randy at Rewind...

Prayers for Randy Bewley

2009-02-25T14:04:00.004-05:00

Randy is being taken off life support this afternoon at Athens General Hospital. Please pray for him.

**Update** Randy died today a little before 5:00 pm following a heart attack and car accident that occurred on Monday in Athens. Randy was the guitarist for Pylon and a dear friend. He was a wonderful person who will be very greatly missed.

Sigh

2009-02-24T21:33:00.004-05:00

Could he be any better?

Watching him speak to Congress tonight is inspiring me all over again. Maybe I'm just a foolish, romantic American girl, but he makes me proud and hopeful every single time I see him. This broadcast also makes me realize how amazing it is that we got him elected. Love me some Barry.

Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre

2009-02-22T22:26:00.008-05:00

I took the kids to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre at the Fox today. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing - I heard one of the dancers being interviewed on WCLK radio on Thursday, and remembered how wonderful this show was when I saw them back in the late 1980s. I got tickets and off we went.

The performance was divided into three segments: Go In Grace, a recent piece from 2008, Suite Otis, a tribute to Otis Redding from 1971, and finally my favorite, Revelations, from 1960. The opening piece was such a disappointment, much more theatre than dance, and not even very good theatre. It was choreographed by one of the dancers, Hope Boykin, and is performed to the music of Sweet Honey in the Rock. It completely fell flat, and I was embarrassed for having gone on and on to my children about how wonderful the show was going to be. There were too many people onstage, the costumes were bulky, not allowing the viewer to see the dancer's body at work, the story was preachy and unclear, and worst of all there was a hearing impaired interpreter onstage at all times, "translating" the words of the songs and much of the time blocking the dancers. It was not worthy of the name Alvin Ailey, and caused me to worry about the future of his troupe. I looked for a clip to post here but couldn't find one. Small wonder. (Read more about recent Ailey choreography here)

Suite Otis began and I whispered to my kids "Now THIS is what it's supposed to be like." The dancers came out dressed in pink, against a black background. Each song was choreographed around an Otis Redding song, and delivered what you expect from the troupe - color, fluidity, sublimity (is that a word?) and moments that left the audience stunned by their beauty. I later discovered it was choreographed by George Faison, not Ailey himself. I wish there were a clip of this on YouTube but there isn't. Here is a still that I found:

The final piece is the Ailey masterpiece, Revelations. It didn't fail to impress, as always, with the Negro spirituals, the beautiful costumes and the incredible fluid lines of the dancers' bodies, both individually and as a group. The opening segment, "I Been Buked", caused Nicholas to turn to me and say "Ohhhh, I see now...even though they aren't dancing together, at the end you see that they ARE!" Yes! The kid gets dance! Here's an excerpt from this segment...sorry I can't embed, and just fast forward past Judith Jamison to about 1:17. And if you want to watch the whole thing, it comes up chronologically on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDkt-7ivp9A

I hate to sound negative about something I love so much, but I hope the troupe doesn't stray too far from Ailey's original mission. They should stick to the basics, that's where the beauty of the company lies.

Nick and Rosie leaving the show. It was a blustery day...

Cemeteries and family, aka Julie and Mom's adventure

2009-02-12T23:08:00.004-05:00

This summer, my mom took me on a crazy adventure looking for our ancestors' graves. It's all part of this equally crazy attempt to get us into the Daughters of the American Revolution. Crazy because I can get in on my dad's side without any problem, as my aunts have already traced us back basically to Charlemagne or something. But Mom wanted me to get in on HER side of the family, so she could do it too. So she's been consulting a geneologist, who advised her to find the gravesites of these certain ancestors and photograph them for some unkonwn reason. Like that's gonna prove we're descended from them. Maybe Mom misunderstood. In any case, one exquisitely hot Friday, we took off for Conyers and Lithonia, the little Georgia towns (now basically Atlanta suburbs) where my mom's mom and dad were from, respectively. First we went to the graveyard where my grandfather's mother and father are buried, and took pictures.

Rock Chapel Methodist Church, Lithonia, Georgia

My great-grandmother, whose name was actually "Martha". It bugs my mom that her headstone says "Mattie", cause Mom is named after her.

Next we were off to look for this lost cemetery where some distant ancestors are buried. Mom had heard of this graveyard from her cousin, Robert Ragsdale, who went there years ago with his uncle (my grandfather) and his dad (my mom's uncle, or something.) He had given us these really funny directions: Take Rocksprings Road until it turns into Hwy 124. Go to the third red light after the first hill. Turn right on some road with "lake" in the name, and just before you get to the lake there's a road off at an angle to your right. It's a dirt road. Turn right and go until you see some power lines. The cemetery is in the woods just about halfway up the hill.

Here's what we finally found, after several phone calls to him ("Julie, you know the last time I was up there was with your grandfather, my father and Uncle Louis. I musta been about 17. It probably looks a little different now!")

That's Mom climbing up towards me. I had already forged ahead and spotted markers in the woods. Robert told us on the phone "I told y'all to wear sturdy shoes and long pants, didn't I?" Mom had forgotten that. "When I went the last time, I was covered with ticks when I got home!"

We finally found the motherlode, and it was well worth the heat, the long climb and the ticks. (Yes, I was covered, too.) Here's mom finding our ancestors.

I love this little cemetery. How did it end up like this? Was there once a church? There's absolutely nothing around that indicates a building, nor is there any evidence of a sign or any ruins. Nothing except some power lines and some awful new houses. But it's beautiful back in there.
It's called Anderson Cemetery and it's in Gwinnett County, but I can't find any more information about it online.

Regardless of the details, we got the information and the necessary photos. As a matter of fact, we're being inducted into the DAR this Saturday! Yay Julie and Mom!

Transitions and rituals

2009-02-02T23:47:00.008-05:00

Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I've been really hurting lately and wondering if this hole in my heart will ever heal, and if I'll ever be able to let go of what I lost when Paul betrayed me. I'm honestly surprised that it's still with me to the degree that it is, even given the severity of everything that happened. And then I thought back on my friend Lukas and his tattoo, which he spent the better part of Saturday night showing me and explaining his motivation for getting. At the time it seemed melodramatic and a tad drastic, but talking to my therapist yesterday about it, something clicked in my head and it suddenly dawned on me why he had gotten that tattoo. I had been trying to explain to her how much of Paul I'm still carrying around with me, and that if I could just take this pain out of my heart and do something with it, I'd feel a lot lighter. I can't carry it anymore, honestly. Then it hit me...what a perfect way of marking the pain in a visible and beautiful way by burning it onto another part of my body, purifying it, localizing it, once and for all making it small and moving it away from my core.

All that to say I'm going to get a tattoo. I want to feel the hurt of getting it, and celebrate it as a way of moving on beyond the pain of Paul and into a new era. I can't carry this around anymore in my heart, honestly I can't take it anymore. So I welcome the pain and the beauty that I know will result. Now I just need a design. Here are a few I've considered:

Each of these knots represent either healing, unity of soul, heart and mind, strength or power.

I realize that the pain is not going to go away on its own. What Paul took from me is not the ability to trust someone, or to feel love again or anything trite and soap opera-ish like that. He took something deeper, and that's why it won't stop hurting. When we were together I was beautiful, young, special, irreplaceable and most importantly I could be myself. I'd never experienced that before, and haven't since, to not have to pretend to be witty or interested or interesting or anything other than who I am. I'm mourning that, cause I don't ever feel it now. I play at being a professor, or a student, or mom or a good friend. I can't get back the feeling that I can let down my hair, be myself and it's okay. I realized today that what he gave me was a soft place to fall, and most of all, the security that he loved me no matter what, and there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. I didn't have to BE anything, and it was okay.

But there was something that would make him stop loving me, that I did have to be on my guard, and when I wasn't, he replaced me. Now I'm stuck in that self-consciousness I've had my whole life, that if you don't act a certain way and say certain things people won't like you. It's what I've fought against my entire life, but Paul, whom I loved and trusted, verified it as actually and in fact, true. I don't want to believe that, because surely it isn't.

Despite the fact that a year and a few months have passed, I still am in the same pain and loss as October of 2007. I want to move beyond that and I need something tangible, a ritual of some sort, to mark the move away from that hurt and betrayal and into something positive, where I am the center of my being. I don't know if that makes sense, but this tattoo seems like the perfect way of getting there....burn it, let it go, leave something beautiful permanently in its place.

Well, fuck me

2009-01-09T21:21:00.003-05:00

Fri Jan 9, 5:06 pm ET

NEW YORK – They play brother and sister on "Dexter." Now in real life, Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are husband and wife. Hall's spokesman, Craig Bankey, said on Friday that the couple eloped in California on New Year's Eve. They'll walk the red carpet together at the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday — the first time publicly acknowledging their relationship.

Hall, 37, and Carpenter, 29, just finished the third season of "Dexter," the Showtime series in which Hall plays the murderous title character. They've been quietly dating for about a year and a half.

At their wedding, Carpenter's grandfather's wedding band was attached to her bouquet of white roses.

Porn Bailout

2009-01-08T23:02:00.006-05:00

Some of you may know that I write porn. Shocking, I know, but it's a fun hobby and I've been told I'm pretty good at it. The truth is I'd love to publish the stuff, sell it and actually make a little extra on the side. But I may have waited too long. I just read this article and began to worry. It tells of the money woes being faced by the porn industry. Did you know that adult DVD sales and rentals have decreased by 22 percent in the past year, and that the past three years have seen a decline in overall porn revenue of 5 billion dollars, as well as a 20 percent decline in paying customers to porn sites?

Some effects of this downturn? Porn producers are resorting to cutting extras from their movies, which translates into more "solo" efforts, or at the most a simple "boy-girl" movie, where a few years ago there was plenty of money to burn on three or four extras to wander into the living room/pool cabana/hotel room/hot tub and liven up the scene. And porn stars like actress Jenna Presley (pictured above,) who has her own website, is having to make cuts in other areas. "I’ve got to stop paying guys and girls to perform with," she laments, saying that instead, she's striking deals with other sites to cross pollinate, as it were, posting their videos on her site and allowing them to post her clips on their sites.

To remedy this situation, Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, Mr. Girls Gone Wild, have asked the government for a 5 billion dollar federal bailout. I kid you not. And why shouldn't they? If John Smoltz can leave the Braves because he feels a 3 million dollar contract just isn't enough, why not? This is a worthy cause, and I urge you all to write your congressmen and show your support. After all, as Larry says (and this might be my favorite quote ever):

“People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in a news release. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex.”

Amen, brother Flynt!

Unseen photos redux

2009-01-02T14:10:00.006-05:00

The universe keeps sending me old photos of me and Paul. What is that about? Friendly reminders to remember the good? Painful reminders to remember how much it hurts? Something cosmic that I don't understand?

Anyway, here are today's offerings, thanks to Sunny Shropshire, who uploaded these today to her Facebook account. She and her kids met up with us on our beach trip to Seagrove with KO and Alan and their family. So cute! First is Paul with an unusually fat tummy:

Then Rosie, who is either playing Paul's harp or the one he bought for her:

And KO is in lovely black and white, for some reason:
And this one, which makes my heart hurt, cause once again, body language, baby. Why I look like a fat pregnant whale, I have no idea. I wasn't! This is Sunny, KO, me and Paul:

Ah, memories. I don't understand why people keep sending me these images, but I'm keeping my New Year's promise to remember the good, let go of the bad, and move on. Hard to do, though. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. KO and I had planned this trip for ages, and it was going to be my first family vacation without Sean. I was very excited about it, except for leaving Paul behind. Luckily, he decided at the last minute that he couldn't be away from me for a whole week, so he drove through the night to get to me. Awwww! Of course, the week ended on a less than sweet note, with him yelling at Nick while drunk and us having the first of several breakups. We made up, obviously, cause we couldn't bear to ever be apart. How did that change for him, I wonder...

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T22:09:00.003-05:00

Here's to a peaceful year full of healing and love. In 2009 I'm gonna change the way I live. Vague, I know, but it's something I need to do. It feels like it's time to reconnect with things and people who are real. Last year I learned all about sitting and being quiet and listening to what I need. I learned to live in the moment and not fret about what was or what is coming. But though I learned it all I haven't put it to use in my life. I think it's time.

So here's to a good year ahead for everyone.

ELO

2008-12-30T23:27:00.003-05:00

This song...I can't get it out of my head. But seriously, ELO sounds really good lately. Why is that, I wonder? It's definitely a guilty pleasure, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I want more.

My Crimmis

2008-12-28T19:30:00.014-05:00

Quelle Christmas! I spent basically the whole of Christmas Day in bed. I was sick, and all I could do was sleep. Some kind of cold/flu/upper respiratory bug invaded my body over the weekend prior to Crimmis, and once I got on some antibiotics it was like I had taken a sleeping pill, so I missed most of the day. I did drag myself out of bed for 1. Santa, and 2. lunch and the opening of the presents. Somehow my camera stayed in bed, it seems, so all I have to show are these pictures from Christmas Eve, when I was still awake.

My mom's tree. We protested but she's at the age where all she can handle is a 'little tree.' I don't know why it matters, since she has a handyman who puts it up and takes it down, and I honestly think he even decorates it for her. But oh well.

Let the unwrapping begin!

Just what every 13-year old boy dreams of...monogrammed towels! My mom, what a riot.

Oh, that's much better...

The artist, making a painting for Santa. He ate the cookies she made and left for him, but he didn't take the painting, much to her chagrin.

And Claudine got a mouse. I mean, "Mouse? What mouse? I don't see anything. Yawn."

So that was my Christmas. I'm not in any of the pictures because I had on pajamas and dirty hair. Mom somehow isn't either, though she was clean and in nice clothes. But take my word for it, I got some fabulous presents...boots, a scarf, some silver hoop earrings and a crock pot. I'll take pictures of those later.

So what did all of you get from Santa?

Merry merry~!!!!!

2008-12-24T14:44:00.004-05:00

Hope it's a wonderful Christmas for all of you!

Unseen photos

2008-12-23T17:46:00.010-05:00

Man, there's nothing like trying to get over a love, being pitifully unable to do so, and suddenly having someone post photos of the two of you that you'd never seen before. I was in FB today, and saw a note that Jackie had tagged me in three of her pics. As soon as I saw the title of the album they were in, "Halloweens over the years," I knew it was gonna be pics of me and Paul. And I was right. These two:

Plus another one of him I hadn't seen, from the same party. I think I must have taken it.

I remember this night so well. It was what proved to be our last Halloween together, 2007. I had found a dress at Rebecca's house that looked just like a playing card, and I decided to be the Queen of Hearts. Paul didn't want to dress up, of course, but he'd do anything for me so he agreed to be the King of Hearts. On our way to the party, which was at Rebecca and Jackie's friends house, we stopped at the liquor store on LaVista, across from McDonald's. Afterwards Paul and I later had a running joke about the guy who worked there, cause when we went up to pay, he looked at my costume and said "Oh! What are you tonight?" or something, in kind of broken English (Paul, do you remember what he said exactly? I can't...) and I said "The Queen of Hearts." He nodded exhuberantly and said "Oh yes, yes! The mother of Jesus!" and we bout died laughing. I'm still unsure what the disconnect was, but it was priceless.

We cut out all the little hearts and I safety pinned them to our clothes in the hotel room before leaving for the party. Paul (or did I?) painted the hearts on my face with an old lipstick, but he wouldn't let me put any on his face...had to draw the line somewhere. We had so much fun at that party, mainly because it was seriously the dullest party either of us could remember ever going to. We kept waiting for the fun to start, then realized that, um, this was it. After finishing all our vodka or whatever we had brought, we left. It was seriously that boring (I apologize if Jackie or Reb are reading this...it was!) We went back to the room and I remember having a fight about something, then making up and having passionate make-up sex for hours and hours.

It was a typical night for us, and I miss it so. I'm happy and very sad at the same time to have seen these pics of the two of us. I remember Paul and I had brought his mother's really old digital camera to the party for some reason (where was my regular camera? How did we get his mom's? And why?) and we took several pics, but never could get them uploaded. I'd always wanted to see the two of us as the King and Queen of Hearts, and I guess I got my wish. A little late, but there's something cosmic in the fact that they just now showed up.

It kind of kills me a little to look at these, especially that second one, where I'm tucked up underneath his arm, his hand on my hip. He always said that we fit together perfectly, and indeed, our body language speaks everything that there was between us. We were very close, in every way, and I have no idea where all that went. We were a part of each other, and that part of me that was his is just all broken to hell. How is it that he doesn't feel this split, this shattered-ness, too? This wasn't just a fling, it was the real deal. These pics verify that for me. Odd that they showed up today, when I've been feeling some things so incredibly strongly about him and me. I'll wait to see what it might mean.

An Open Apology

2008-12-21T13:53:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling really shitty lately. Not the usual shitty, as in why is life so hard, but shitty in a kind of guilty way. I feel like I've hurt a lot of people over the past few years, and while I meant to lash out at some, others kind of happened by accident. I feel extremely bad when I think of the people I used to count as friends who now seems more like enemies, and wonder how it happened. It's been a bad few years, I guess, and certain friendships got caught up in the mess and I lashed out in anger and those friendships ended. I hate it now, and wish I could go back to the year of Rewind, in fact, and start over. I can't, of course, so I'm writing this post to say I'm sorry. Many of those I've broken ties with won't ever read this, but I need to put it out there into the karmic/cosmic swirl and hope to mend some fences.

Several people I've called in the past year to try to talk to them about what happened between us, but either they didn't want to hear it or were embarrassed to talk about it. Others I actually have made up with, and started new friendships with. But I'm sick and fucking tired of sending bad energy out into the world, and as I was cleaning out my closet, it suddenly hit me how much I've done it, and how much I miss the people I've shut out of my life through my actions. So as of today, I am putting to rest all bad events, both those done by me and those done to me. It's just time to open my heart and move forward in light and love. Sappy, new age-y, pitiful, whatever...but something about that closet-cleaning experience made me realize how much I've lost. Actually, I know exactly what it was about the closet. I pulled out several old purses and was tossing out some of their contents when I found receipts, old notes and letters, even a hotel bill from the Holiday Inn in Athens, either a Rewind-related outing or just fun, and it made me miss my old friends like hell. I don't want any more sadness, I don't want any more regrets. I've done enough and it's time to clean up my act. I am very sorry for hurting you all.

So there you have it, a kinder, gentler Julie. Can you handle it? Can I handle it?

"If you were a jacket..." 2008 style

2008-12-20T19:11:00.008-05:00

Rosie and Zoe re-enact their video fun of last year, as our party winds down:

I think my favorite part of this is Dorothy. And oddly enough, I make the exact same cameo appearance as I did last year! Gotta work on doing something besides sticking my tongue out at the camera. It was a good party, not as crowded as last year but nice and relaxed. Something has happened to my children and their friends, quite possibly they're growing up. There was no screaming, no running in the house, nothing got spilled or broken, it was almost like they weren't even there! Odd, yet not unpleasant. I have lots of delicious wine left over, and cheese, and chocolate. Yummmm. Come on over and help us finish it off!

So tonight I'm taking it easy, not going to Athens, due to the fact that I couldn't find anyone to go with, instead staying in and vegging on the couch. In a way I'm relieved, cause I'm really exhausted, and I have compositions to grade and pressies to wrap. And in a way I'm let down, cause I have absolutely no social life. Truth is I'm a little sad tonight. Ah well, Cops and AMW and Cheaters should cure that! Hope everyone else out there is at an incredibly fun Christmas party...

Party time!

2008-12-18T20:30:00.026-05:00

This weekend is my big party. I got all the food and had the house cleaned today before taking the kids to piano, tomorrow I'm buying booze and doing last-minute decorating before going to Rosie's Christmas party at school, and I'm grading papers and writing Christmas cards in between. Whew! So, a few years ago, pre-party, I remember writing a post about how I needed a chimenea for my party. I never bought one, and would love to have one before tomorrow. And some nice outdoor seating. Maybe I'll squeeze in a trip to Target or something for some plastic chairs. They'll go nice with the crystal wine glasses. We bought some fabulous food, Nicholas is making his famous guacamole, I got some of those decadent Sister Schubert rolls to make little honey baked ham sandwiches with, and some brie and crackers. And fabulous wine. Cause it's all about the food.

I'm also going to Michael Lachowski's annual Christmas party in Athens G-A this weekend, which I haven't been to in years. I am very excited, but also nervous that people I can't see will show up. If so it's okay, cause I am going to go with a man (still not sure who) and I'll be able to handle it, but still, it makes me sad. Paul and I loved Michael's parties. Blech.

Here's the 2004 party: Curtis, Heather, and our fearless host

Kathleen and Michael "I think I knew you 20 years ago" Stipe. This was the party where he actually said that...

The lovely Lynda, the handsome Curtis

Paul and Curtis, before the joke-telling extravaganza

Mr. Lilje and me

In other news, I'm almost finished with my chapter. I am meeting with Candace in early early January and give it to her. I may actually finish the PhD this year, as in 2009. How exciting is that? I've got a lot of work to do still, especially with teaching three classes again in the spring, but I'm going to try to squeeze the last drops of inspiration out of my poor brain before the end of spring semester. I'm becoming embarrassed at myself for taking so long; clearly it's time.

Of course all I can think about it what to wear... who knew there were so many choices? Though I suppose Emory will tell me which one I'm supposed to wear. I hope I get one of the fun little beret hats...

Tree decorating

2008-12-14T22:44:00.008-05:00

Tonight I'm decorating the tree but my heart's just not in it. Normally nothing can spoil this season for me. I love Christmas, even last year when I was all heartbroken and miserable, I still really enjoyed the parties and dressing up and seeing people. But this year I just feel old. I've gained too much weight and don't ever to go out, not to mention that no one's invited me anywhere, I'm really really sad for some reason and I just don't feel the spirit at all. But life goes on.

So I am pulling out ornaments and putting them on the tree, and I came across a box with my favorite ones inside. You can easily guess why these are my faves:

At top left is Rosie's reindeer, from I believe the three-year old class at Glenn School. Next to that is Nick's pine cone sprinkled with glitter from the baby room at Glenn. Next is Rosie's rice wreath, from first grade. Next to that is a beautiful stained glass window from her kindergarten class. Next is a teeny tiny pine cone with glitter, also from Nick's baby room days at Glenn. And last on that row is Rosie's Thanksgiving leaf from third grade, I think, where she wrote what she was thankful for. It says "I'm thankful for my parnets for taking care of me. Rosemary :)" Next is a beautiful globe made by Nick in about third grade. Underneath is a pine cone tree, all decorated and with a star on top, made by Nick in about the four-year-old room at Glenn. Next is a popsicle stick star made by Rosie at Glenn school. Then come my two very favorites.

This is Nicholas' first Christmas, when he was only four months old. We went to see Santa at Lenox Mall and Nick wore his Micky Mouse Christmas long john outfit with little white and red socks. They gave us this gingerbread frame/ornament holder to put the pic in. I just love this picture cause he is soooooo tiny and Santa is sooooo big...it looks to me like he's a little football in Santa's arms!

And this is Rosie from the Glenn School two-year-old class. This was her favorite Christmas dress that year, and her teachers took the picture and made it into a CD ornament and she gave it to us as the Christmas gift that SHE made. I love her little happy yet forced smile and her sweet face. Every time I look at this ornament I remember this year and what a cute, sweet little baby Rosie was.

These kid-made ornaments should actuallly make me more melancholy yet, on the contrary, they make it all better. I love my little guys; they're amazingly sweet, smart, handsome and good, and I'm lucky to have them. They love Christmas so I'm gonna love it this year too, for them. Plus the house looks beautiful, and next weekend is the big party! It's all good, just a bit lonely this year.

Paul Hester

2008-12-14T01:06:00.004-05:00

Sadness, as Nick Cave notes, has a bad reputation. "We can't live if we are completely impervious to sadness," he has said. American poet Anne Sexton felt "creative people must not avoid the pain they get dealt". It is an idea with a long history. Philosopher Spinoza felt that sadness recoils from desire, and it is desire (for life) that is the real anti-depressant. Nineteenth-century neuroscientist George Gray thought it was a gradual "unlearning of optimism". Now sadness is confused with depression, and thought to be a chemical imbalance in the brain.

But while most scientists have turned away from notions such as soul-loss to describe the numbness that comes with depression, British biologist Dr Lewis Wolpert thinks it is a useful term. "With such distress we are at the very heart of being human," Wolpert writes in his best-selling Malignant Sadness. No one has yet found the cerebral substratum of passion and discontent.

I stole those lines from an article on Paul Hester's death in 2005. Hester was the drummer for Crowded House who killed himself unexpectedly, as if suicide is ever expected. He'd battled depression for his entire life, apparently, as many creative types do. He was a smart guy, funny, talented, and sad. My friend Tod says he can't listen to Crowded House anymore, after the suicide. It does change the music which, though for me was always melancholy, really makes me want to cry if I think about Paul. A waste and a shame, and we'll never know what went through his head as he went out that night to walk his dogs, and ended up hanging himself in the park.

Freaky horoscope

2008-12-08T23:07:00.002-05:00

Your Lovescope - Tomorrow, December 9, 2008

The planets are radiating an energy that dictates that rather than merely looking absolutely stunning, you will also have to have a sexy brain. Forget the lipstick and the mascara; instead focus on learning some of those awe inspiring quotes that knock the right people out when spoken at precisely the right time in the midst of a boring conversation. This is what will get you noticed - apart from also being a published writer.

So be smart and get a guy? What a concept!

I love this song

2008-12-05T15:52:00.001-05:00

The video, however, leaves something to be desired... ;-)

Thanks, Bug

2008-12-03T16:49:00.001-05:00

This is ten kinds of wonderful:

It's not so clear, so click on the image to see the text. The only one they left off is "drunk live-in boyfriend yelling at girlfriend's kid who he's babysitting." Too hilarious.

Papin sisters

2008-12-02T17:42:00.009-05:00

So the dissertation is finally moving along. I went back and began at the beginning, which is always a good thing. I'm analyzing the actual testimony of Christine and Lea to see where there are gaps in their statements that may have drawn in other writers. Here's a bit of what I've found about the crime scene, just for a taste of what I'm dealing with. Get a load of this stuff:

Physical evidence:

Two photos extant of the crime scene. Show weapons still on the ground. Notes and a diagram identify the various hubris surrounding the bodies: keys, handbags, hairpins, an eye, a package of soap, broken plates, buttons, skin, a bracelet, a hat, dried flowers, part of a wig, a comb, a knife, a chain, socks and gloves.

Medical report of Dr. Chartier:

Madame : At the morgue, part of an ear (determined to be that of Madame Lancelin) and two eyeballs are resting “dans le tour de cou” – they had been found under the body when it was lifted and put there by the attendants moving the body. Madame is practically scalped. Much description of damage done to the face…no longer recognizable. Arms not injured. hands are still in gloves, are cut and bones are broken. Watch stopped at 7:22. Right hand is more injured than the left.

Mademoiselle : Watch stopped at 7:47. Face equally unrecognizable. Left eye found on staircase. Skin sliced in the form of a V on upper lip and right cheek. Skull fractured and brain matter coming out. Left hand, holding brown hair. Right hand, palm sliced open. Thigh sliced after death. Several cuts through the muscle. She had her period, wearing “une garniture tachée de sang.” Left leg cut through to the bone. Pants pulled down by the killers and shirt pulled up.

Christine's (pictured at right above) testimony:

They left the house before dark – I don’t know exactly what time it was. They didn’t give us any work to do and we had already been working very hard. The iron blew out; I had just picked it up from being fixed. When they got home, around 5h 30, I told Madame I was unable to iron because the iron was broken again. When I told her that, she acted as if she were about to attack me. Seeing that she was going to jump on me I lunged at her face and pulled out her eyes with my fingers. When I say it was Madame I attacked, I was wrong – it was Mademoiselle whom I attacked and pulled out her eyes. During this time Léa jumped on Madame and also pulled out her eyes. They fell down and I went to the kitchen to get a hammer and a kitchen knife.

I closed and locked the doors downstairs because I wanted the police to find the bodies, not out patron. We washed our hands, which were very bloody, in the kitchen, and took off our bloody clothes. We put on a nightgown and locked the door and got in the same bed, where you found us.

I do not regret what happened, in other words, I can’t tell you if I do or not. I would rather have the skin of my mistresses than for them to have mine and my sister’s. I didn’t plan the crime, and I didn’t hate her, but “je n’admets pas le geste qu’elle eut ce soir…à mon égard.”

Léa (pictured at left):

My employers left the house around 3:30, they left us alone with my sister. She ironed and I cleaned. Before leaving they did not scold us, there was no discussion at all. They came home around 6h or 6h 30.

Here Lea refuses to continue; the investigators read her sister's statement to her.

Everything that my sister told you is exact, the crimes happened exactly as she told you. My role in this affair is absolutely that which she indicated. … No more than my sister, I haven’t the least regret of the criminal act we committed. Like my sister, I would rather have the skin of my employers than that they have mine.

When asked “Before you hit your employers, were you and your sister hit by them?” she replies: "They didn’t hit us, they only made a gesture as if they were about to strike us. I repeat, I would rather have had their skin than that they have mine and, I repeat again, I have no regret.”

Some kind of case. It's a creepy world out there.

Happy Anniversary

2008-12-01T18:08:00.002-05:00

Athens, December 2004

Turkey day

2008-11-29T17:58:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving begins for me with Rosie's school's turkey day lunch with parents. We had a lovely time. Here I am with my girl, about to enjoy the infamous cafeteria turkey and dressing, followed by the questionable pumpkin pie.

Here's Rosie's BFF Zoe, who has excellent taste in music AND t-shirts, and her mom, my dear friend Rebecca.
And another good friend, Dana, and her sweet mom, Angela.

And here's Hailey and her grandmothers, I think...

There were many dads there, too, somehow I just didn't get any of their pics...This was our last year, after seven years of Thanksgiving lunches at this school. Graduating is so painful...as is growing up!

And now for Thanksgiving proper. I hosted this year, which seemed like a good idea. But I'd let myself forget how much my mom loves to hover, and nag, and generally make me a nervous wreck. So there was a bit of an upset early on, but once she calmed down it was actually fun! Here's my table:

We needed flowers...oh well. Here's my sister in law, Liz, and mom:

And Mom and Nick:
Somehow I never took a picture of the kids' table! It was the best part of the day, but my camera is on the fritz. I'll have to borrow some from Liz...

And a few more candid shots:

Hope your Turkey Day rocked like mine did!

My motto

2008-11-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

Did somebody mention love?

2008-11-24T21:34:00.011-05:00

You have no idea.

*****
FSK,
With the exception of my father, no one has ever stood
by me the way you do . That's really saying
something.
No matter what, I will always be grateful for your
unwavering support.

I love you sooooo much! - sugarlips

Living and building a life together, in real time is
all I've ever wanted. Both of us single or married to
one another is the way it has to be, whether we live
together or separately or even in the same town for
that matter.
As far as our being able to "make it" as a couple and
weather the trials and tribulations of life, I ain't
skeer'd. I'm afraid that we may never get the chance
to try for real.
I love you just the way you are
and don't want to change a thing about you. I can live
with your faults. I hope that you can live with mine.
That's where we will learn how to work things out
together as a team and a unified front. I promise,
that if and when you find yourself single, I'll be
there to help you pick up the pieces.
I think that you are beginning to see that our future
together rests on your shoulders. How and when you
choose to deal with it is entirely up to you and you
alone. The only person that I can change is me. I want
to be your man so badly.
You are always on my mind.
I still want to be your man. I love you in ways that I
don't even understand.

One day - Paul

My beautiful FSK,

I love you with all my heart! - P
Frenchie,

Plumb amazing, ain't it?

I love you! - the loin ranger

I love you and am very excited about tomorrow night.
Gotta run - builderlips

Very modern...breaking up via email.

I always have wanted you and I still do, big issues or
not.

Love - sadlips

Howdy,
I'm sorry that I was so rough on you yesterday
afternoon. All this stuff stacks up on me too.

I LOVE YOU. Our future together is important to me.
We'll figure it out so that it will be good for
EVERYONE.

I'll call when I get in from work this evening.

XXXOOO - sugarlips

Sweetest Frenchie -
I am so sorry that I hurt you so this past week.
Friday night was indeed very intimate and just the
type of night that I see us having most every night.
We have only hinted as to what potentially lies ahead
for us.
Knowing this, I confess that it really pushes me to
the brink of the abyss having to spend so much time
apart. That is really what causes me to lose touch
with my heart, listen to the naysayers while allowing
my imagination to take my mind into the dark recesses
of an alternate reality and say things that I don't
mean.
I daydream all the time about our future home together
(where ever that may be)puttering around the yard,
doing special little projects for you so that our home
is as wonderful and distinctive as our relationship.
I really want to build a home for you and the kids
with my own two hands as a testament to my immense
love for you. A home that would be our sanctuary not
only from the elements but also from the insanity that
seems to inhabit this old world at times. A safe
haven, a love nest and a soft place to land is what I
know it will be.
I will try to be more patient with the process in
which you find yourself just now starting. It will be
better on me in Athens all the way around. Goals to
shoot for and deadlines to meet and not being out in
the boonies should work wonders on my worried mind.
The hours that we passed together Friday night and
Saturday were so pleasurable, laid back and
comforting, that I could barely stand to drive away.

You are such a catch. So beautiful, smart and loving.
I want a life with you...day to day, you know, routine
stuff. No more road warrior, except when we go on
vacation. Now I know that none of this is going to
happen quickly or easily. I will try to stay focused
on the tasks at hand and try not to get too wound up
about the current situation as I am sure that you are
doing all that you can to make the necessary changes.

Kitten - I love you like I've never loved another
living soul. We've both got to be more cognizant of
the others perception of the current circumstances.
I'm all for creating a proposed timetable, actually
write some benchmark dates down, so that we know where
we should be at most any moment in the future.
I think that would go a good ways toward making me
feel better. Plus it'll give us something to look at
and talk about.
I am so about being the man in your life. I am still
somewhat unsure as to why you love me so much, but I
am very grateful that you do. I am going to stop
questioning it and just let myself be consumed by it.

My deepest Love always - reverand Tazzy sugarlips

hey doll -

I love you.

Thanks again for all you did yesterday. I'm
nursemaiding sis back to health. Talked to momn for a
minute and dad is on his way over and I've left john a
message.

There you have it. I'll call you before i come back
to town.

XXXOOO sugarlips

I understand completely and agree wholeheartedly...

XXXOOO sugarmuscles

I'll be about 9:30 at
least before I make it to your door. Keep your
tootsies warm for me - sugarwonderin' XXXOOO

I'm so glad that you get my off-beat sense of humor.

Why on earth would you think such terrible thoughts?
Our love shall never end...it's as big as the East is
from the West. The fuckin' $$$ thing has got us both
by the snarflees and that makes it hard to concentrate
on the bigger more beautiful picture.
We need to keep our eyes on the prize, my lovely girl.
Being apart after having been together for so many
consecutive days makes life no easier for either one
of us.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Howdy there, Miss Bleary -
Nice sentiment and sounds so easy.
I like it and I like to be there with you when you
wake up a little bleary.

Hello there gorgeous person in my life,

Yes, I do and many times over.
Love always - sugarlips

Dear Julie FSK,
I wanted to say how much I love you and care so deeply
for you. The desire that resides in my heart for you
is everlasting, genuine and sincere. I'm smiling now
as i write to you of my love and committment to our
relationship and I am waiting patiently on the clock
till the appropriate time to give you a wake up call.
I am at a sudden loss of words that might capture the
true intensity of my feelings for you. Think back to
last night, as we huddled and cuddled in the little
dark booth at the Famous Pub. Remember the warm,
enveloping feelings that wrapped your heart, mind and
soul as we talked? If you know a word that sums up
those feelings, then that would be the word I would
use to describe the indescribable heart-set.
I am looking forward to our lunch date today. I hope
that you are. Be thinking of where you would like to
dine.

Until then - sugarlips

I love you more than you've ever been loved before.
Deeply, passionately like no other - XXOO p

> Still love me?

You've gotta be kidding?!?! Ashley and Jessica came
by and Jessica asked if we had a good time last night.
My reply was "Honey, I love that girl more and more
every time I see her!" Dewayne chimed in and said,
"Yeah, his girlfriend is pretty cool."
So yeah, I still LOOOOVVE you, Frenchie!

World class emailin', dear. This one is gonna get you
a phone call.

till then XXXXXXxxxxxxxOOOOOOOooooooo

hey you,

have I told you that I really do love you? well, just
in case you're wonderin'...I DO!

I reckon I'm gonna hang here at chewdog's for the
evening, bad tire and all. You can hang with us if
you like. Low key, get my head together sorta evening
and then head towards the Atl tomorrow afternoon after
getting yet another new tire for the go-cart. I may
ease down to Home Depot in Dawsonville to get the
material for your electrical project.
Call, write or send a message in a bottle - love - rev

Good morning Frenchie, sweetheart, sex kitten,
signifigant other in my future -

I made it to Baldwin and suffered no ill effect.
The drive was not bad - as there was hardly any
traffic. I do some of my best thinking in the car and
this was a good morning for it.

I mostly occupied my mind with thoughts of you....
about how the best thing that has ever happened to
me(meeting you)and how the worst thing that's ever
happened (the rest of my life other than you and those
things that involve you)are goin' on at the same exact
time. It's hard to figure. I'm still sortin' it out
in my head. The duality of it all, I mean. But more
importantly, I think, is that we have indeed found one
another. We spoke earlier of just how short of a time
that its' actually been since we met. I do feel as if
I've known you for much longer than it has been. The
connection is strong and real. I am constantly amazed
at the fact that you love and care for me as I think
you do. I will be forever grateful for the seemingly
random chain of events that caused our two very
different worlds to collide.
I am eager to see how, and confident that our
relationship will grow deeper and stronger.
The Pull is undeniable. The way you support me in all
facets of our budding romance is, in reality, is quite
humbling.....the fact that you see something in me
even while I'm embroiled with all these other negative
and emotionally draining situations is beyond me. I'm
not questioning it, I just don't see how you do it. I
love you for it.

I love you more every day.

Know this: I would have lost my mind along time ago
if not for you - and for that I am eternally grateful.
You know those sweet, gentle, loving, sexy things that
I whisper in your ear....are true, everyone. You have
my heart completely.

Hello Frenchie, sweet heart, sex kitten, godess of my
little universe -
Oh how I love you so. This day has been long and hard.

Did you get the text messages that I sent your way the
other night? If not, then the problem must be on my
end.

My legs are sore from all the sweaty acrobatics.

Methinks I'll just go to bed, for tomorrow is a brand
new day with all sorts of possibilities.

I do love you so -reverand taz

*********

But you rock!

Possibly the funniest lolcats ever

2008-11-20T01:05:00.001-05:00

Or possibly I'm just delirious...

more animals

Today's horoscope ROCKS!

2008-11-15T14:25:00.001-05:00

Saturday, November 15
You may have the opportunity to turn a friendship into something more romantic, but you just can't seem to twist up the energy right now. Your get up and go got up and let you down, and you may be worried that the attraction does not have staying power.

Right on the nose!

So beautiful..

2008-11-08T18:42:00.010-05:00

This is the beauty I get to look at from my front window this week. It only lasts about five days, but it's a glorious five days. The Japanese maple in my front yard:

Can you believe this color even exists?
And this is the incredible oak (I think) across the street. Actually, I totally made up 'oak'. I have absolutely no idea what kind of tree it is.
and how serendipitous is this shot? I just clicked and had no idea a leaf was falling till I uploaded the pic!
Oh, and Barry stopped by to see the tree, and to give a speech:

And in honor of fall, here's my new hair color:

Prayers for Election Day

2008-11-04T00:16:00.003-05:00

I feel like we need to have a mass prayer vigil today, to send good karma and positive vibes and all that yumminess out into the universe, visualizing the best candidate pulling off this amazing feat. I've never given a rat's ass about politics, really. But this election has made me believe in my country again. I've seen all kinds of people joining together and showing a spirit of camaraderie that I've only seen once before, in the horrible days following 9-11.

This time we're celebrating something positive, what we could have, what might be. We are all joined in a kind of universal hope that we can pull our country back together and make it the great land it's supposed to be. I don't mean to get all We Are the World-y or anything, but this has been a very emotional time for us all, and it's because of the incredible candidate we've got out there. As Sarah Silverman says in The Great Schlep, "Barack Obama is the goodest person we've ever had as a presidential choice! He's honest and he's kind, and quite frankly he's probably our last hope of ending this country's reputation as the assholes of the universe." She's silly, but she's right.

I also want to pray for Obama's safety, whether he wins or ... otherwise (can't say it.) The man is really putting himself out there, into a world where there are many, many haters. So let's say a prayer that he is watched over and protected and shielded from anything bad happening to him. Prayer works, so DO IT!

On NPR last week there was a show during which the interviewer asked several people "Have you imagined what it will be like...how will it feel to wake up Wednesday morning and hear that Obama won?" They could hardly answer for the emotion they were feeling.

I'm so there. Please, just let it be...

Berenice Abbott

2008-11-02T00:12:00.001-04:00

Forgetfulness is like a song
That, freed from beat and measure, wanders.
Forgetfulness is like a bird whose wings are reconciled,
Outspread and motionless, --
A bird that coasts the wind unwearyingly.

Forgetfulness is rain at night,
Or an old house in a forest, -- or a child.
Forgetfulness is white, -- white as a blasted tree,
And it may stun the sybil into prophecy,
Or bury the Gods.

I can remember much forgetfulness.

Hart Crane

Halloween in the Blue Bubble!

2008-10-31T23:18:00.002-04:00

Also known as my street, a haven of Obama signs in a sea of McCain supporters.

You can hear Jazz barking in the background!

Here we are wrapping it up and about to head out for trick or treating.

I love my neighborhood.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T15:45:00.017-04:00

I love these really clever pumpkins that some people are talented enough to carve. Ours are always cute as hell, but never SUPER clever like some are. For example, this kitty:

A skeleton:

This one has little windows with images:

Then some get kind of spooky, like this one:

Or this one, kind of:

And this one is really spooky:
But you must agree, this one is the scariest of all!
EEEK! Okay, it doesn't REALLY look like a pumpkin, though it's supposed to. Regardless, get out and vote on Tuesday, and keep this face nothing more than a Halloween phenomenon!

Happy trick or treating!

It's called karma, baby

2008-10-29T23:36:00.013-04:00

I've heard the most DELICIOUS scoop, but I hesitate to go into too much detail because I've been sworn to secrecy. Um, yeah, right...

Basically karma has come around to bite Ugh in her gawky, flat ass. Pardon me for sounding so vicious, but as my faithful readers know, I went though an amazing amount of shit last year thanks to two very nasty people. Today the tables are turned, and I feel fabulously vindicated. I SO knew this would happen, and it feels wonderful.

Perhaps these same faithful readers will remember that when Paul and I hooked up four years ago, it was because his wife and he had "drifted apart" and she didn't support him and his music. She was cruel to him and he was aching for a woman he could really love. I was there for him to cry on my shoulder and I soon became that woman. When he took up with Ugh, I was the cruel woman he was suffering a relationship with, and she was the understanding shoulder who soon became the beloved one. He told her terrible things about me, and led her to believe that he was trying to break it off with me and I just "couldn't let go."

WELL! Guess what?? An old friend of mine in Athens and I were gabbing the other night and she told me "Oh! News! Guess who Paul's gotten involved with now?" My chin hit the floor. I'm not about to say who it is, cause Ugh is gonna have to find out the same way I did, but I couldn't stop myself from simply writing and saying HA! What goes around comes around.

Ain't life grand?

"If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger"

2008-10-26T16:54:00.008-04:00

I've discovered a wonderful new blog called If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger, There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats. It's not new, really, just new to me. The byline says "An Ongoing Series of Cultural and Personal Observations; by Tom Sutpen, Stephen Cooke, Richard Gibson and Kimberly Lindbergs." I have no idea who these people are but they've put together a pop culture skip through time that's well worth a gander.

Each entry is nothing more than a photograph from a different era presented within the context of a series, some with their original journalistic caption. With series entitled The Art of the Panel (on comic strips,) An Illustrated History of American Labor, This Week's Sargent (a John Singer Sargent painting, but not weekly by any means,) Broadcasters, Sex Education, Newspapermen, G Is for Gedney (photos by William Gedney) and Annals of Crime (my favorite. Surprise!) there's something for everyone. Here's an example, from the Gedney series:

It's entitled Nude model sitting on stool while photographer adjusts view camera (1972)

Here's one from the Annals of Crime series:

Youths Confess Murder of Druggist

Brooklyn -- This youthful quartet from the notorious Navy Yard gang confessed yesterday that they took part in the attempted robbery in which Paul J. Gillman, druggist, was slain in his store at Court and Amity Streets. Yesterday the youthful gunmen re-enacted the crime in detail, under heavy police guard, for Assistant District Attorney Wilson. They are left to right: Stephen Collins, John Keogh, William J. Evans and Frank Evans. (1922)

And another...love the umbrellas:

Police Suspect Murder and Suicide in Central Park.

New York -- General views of death scene in Central Park at 106th Street East early this evening. Bodies are those of Juanita Rivera and Luis Rizarry. Police suspect the man murdered the woman and then committed suicide. Time of death set at 4 p.m. A forty-five caliber pistol was the death weapon and can be seen in some of the pix near the man's right foot. (1952)

And one from the Old New York series:

Check it out.

Obama for America

2008-10-17T00:16:00.003-04:00

We recorded this song that Molly wrote a few weeks ago. That's me in the Obama shirt at the beginning (I make another brief appearance later) and Nick on drums and on guitar at the very end. Also participating are Molly (natch), her son, Max (on guitar), her brother, Charlie, with a family friend whose name I've forgotten, and her dog, Petey. Sing along, and vote!

Mark Hollis

2008-10-14T23:33:00.005-04:00

Since no one seems to be reading me these days, I'm gonna be totally self-indulgent. I give you part II of the "Men I'd Sleep With in a New York Minute" series. Here's who I'm in love with today...lots of day, actually:

I've written a lot about this band already (see here and here,) all I want to add today is that Mark Hollis makes me crazy. He's not particularly handsome, in fact many would say he isn't good looking at all. He's got a quirky face, big ears and he's skinny. But anyone who know me will tell you that a man with something strange about him (personality, music, humor) pulls me in more than anything else. And not only does Mark have the odd sometimes really attractive, sometimes really ugly look that I find so fascinating, he's amazingly talented. He put out however many records with Talk Talk, a solo album, then he faded into the English countryside, never to be seen or heard from again. Intriguing.

But mainly I love his voice. I can't put my finger on what quality it is that pulls me in, but there's something so haunting and sad in there.

By the way, Lee Harris, the drummer, runs a very close second for me.

He drums without a shirt on. With a ponytail. With black gloves. Ahem.

Anniversary

2008-10-12T01:38:00.002-04:00

My sweet dad died two years ago today. I miss him. This picture is from his last birthday, March 23, 2006. He was turning 70. He left too early, and it's never been the same around here without him.

It's me in a nutshell...give or take...

2008-10-07T19:40:00.001-04:00

Welcome to all you'd ever want to know (and more!) about me, the Pisces female. But don't believe all you read, cause parts of it are downright wrong...which parts I'll leave to you to decide.

Pisces The Fishes

February 19 - March 20

The twelfth sign of the zodiac is concerned with:

compassion, sympathy, love, altruism

dreams, the psychic, clairvoyance, sixth sense

illusions, magic, film, fantasy, make-believe

art, drama, music, poetry, prose, dance

unusual talent, memory, wisdom, versatility

sensitivity, intuition, humor, satire

secrets, fulfillment of life, eternity

Elemental Quality

Pisces is the mutable water sign of the zodiac. It can be likened to a warm, turquoise lagoon, twinkling in the sunshine, or to a strong ocean current rising from the depths to break over a rocky shore, smoothing the pebbles for all time.

Mutable means changeable, and water can change its form in many ways: rain, hail, snow, mist, frost, clouds, rainbows, warm pools, and puddles; thus, Piscean feelings can change a dozen times a day.

The Piscean Personality

These are the general personality traits found in people who are typical of Pisces. An unhappy or frustrated Pisces may display some of the not-so-attractive traits.

Positive	Negative
* Loving and caring	* Self-pitying
* Trusting, hospitable, and will help all in distress	* Gullible and will give all in a lost cause
* Shy	* Temperamental
* Helpful	* Dependent
* Romantic	* Escapist
* Creative	* Sensationalist
* Mystical	* Depressive
* Gentle and kind	* Can lose touch with reality
* Compassionate	* Too emotionally involved with the problems of others
* Understanding of others	* Tends to blame self for everything

Secret Pisces

Anyone who has strong Piscean influences is a person who has perhaps the most extreme choices of any zodiac sign. Pisces can accept the challenges of life and rise to the top, or can give in to the easy way of oblivion and sink to the bottom. This choice is symbolized by the two fishes. To help him or her swim to the top, the Pisces must find peace through beauty, music, and harmony.

The Pisces needs work which will enable him or her to achieve this. More than any other sign, Pisces has many talents which may be used to develop their character. Many work hard to improve the lot of humanity. Others bring their talents to film and entertainment, enlivening the lives of thousands.

Pisces needs to turn his/her private, mystical dream world of love and compassion into a reality. The only other option for a Pisces is a life of illusion and, ultimately, a sense of failure.

Ruling Planet and Its Effect

Jupiter and Neptune rule the zodiac sign of Pisces, so anyone whose birthchart has a strong Piscean influence will tend to bring benefit to others through their sensitivity. In astrology, Jupiter is the planet of expansion, optimism, and generosity. Neptune is the planet of dreams, sensitivity, the unconscious, and the world of unreality.

Colors:	violet, light green, blue
Plants:	opium poppy, lotus, water plants
Perfume:	ambergris
Gemstones:	pearl, amethyst, beryl, aquamarine
Metal:	tin
Tarot Card:	the Moon
Animals:	fish, dolphin

The Piscean Look

People who exhibit the physical characteristics of Pisces look more clumsy than they actually are.

They give off a feeling of otherworldliness, and usually have very sensitive, caring eyes. They may have a trusting, eager look or a quality of empathy and nonjudgement exclusive to those who truly understand human sorrows and failings.

The Pisces Female

If a woman behaves in a way that is distinctive of the personality associated with the zodiac sign of Pisces, she will have a tendency toward the characteristics listed below, providing there are no influences in her personal birthchart that are stronger than that of her Pisces sun sign.

Appearance

The typical Pisces woman:

* is normally slim, but tends to put on weight in later years

* has large eyes and an oval face

* has clear, soft skin, whatever her color

* has an air of feminine mystery

* has a very warm, charming smile

Behavior and Personality Traits

* does not try to dominate her partner in any way

* often appears vague and dreamy

* is subtle and, while appearing to be helpless or incapable, gets things organized and manages the finances extremely well

* protects her emotional vulnerability with humor or a sophisticated exterior

* needs to belong to someone

* has a warm, sympathetic heart

Pisces At Home

For a typical Piscean, home is a place where he or she will need to feel loved. Home can be a palace or a hovel, but it must contain people toward whom he or she is drawn emotionally and who love him or her.

Typical Behavior and Abilities

When at home, a Pisces man or woman:

* will often enter a fantasy world

* will feel safe to explore his or her imagination

* will probably have no fixed routine

* is likely to be untidy, although he or she may have a sudden urge to tidy everything to avoid confusion: this can happen at any time

* should keep a large, clear clock

* will need a space for personal privacy

* will make the home itself into a wonderful world of art, music, design, and good food and wine

Pisces as a Parent

* can happily accommodate all the fantasies of childhood

* will allow a child plenty of imaginative freedom

* may lack discipline

* listens with understanding

* encourages personal development

* may have to teach the children punctuality

* is warm and loving and rarely uses harsh words

* may tend to spoil the children

* will probably have a very personal and unusual set of rules to which the children must adhere

Pisces and Love

To Pisces, there is no difference between love, affection, and romance. A Pisces needs all three. A Pisces who feels unloved is an unhappy person to whom life seems very gray. Love revitalizes Pisces.

Behavior When In Love

The typical Pisces:

* is romantic

* eager to please

* adapts to the demands of the relationship

* appears to be helpless, delicate, and vulnerable, but being loved enables Pisces to cope very well with a range of difficulties, problems, and tragedies

* is emotionally involved, to the point of not recognizing when he or she is being deceived or treated badly

Expectations

The typical Pisces expects:

* to have his or her dreams valued and to be protected from harsh criticism

* to be cared for romantically

* to have children (Pisces love children)

* to be frequently reassured that they are loved

* all birthdays and anniversaries to be remembered

Pisces and Sex

When a typical Pisces makes love it is an act of romance rather than of carnal pleasure. Typical Pisces is less interested in sexual activity than in the expressions of love that come before and afterward. Piscean energy is more often used up in the emotional experiences of love than in the sexual act. This does not mean that Pisces in not interested, indeed he or she may seek several partners, but this is for reassurance rather than personal pleasure.

Pisces can be the least prejudiced and most compassionate of all the zodiac signs. Pisces will show a deep and real love for a partner who has problems or physical abnormalities, or has to face a tragedy or business disaster. Sex will be one of the expressions of love given by a caring and devoted Piscean spouse.

Pisces and Partner

The person who contemplates becoming the romantic or business partner of a typical Pisces must realize that Pisces will expect to be supported -- emotionally or financially. Given this, the person who partners Pisces can expect loyalty and sensitive understanding.

The Pisces woman will want a partner who will support her in every respect. To many men, Pisces is the perfectly feminine woman. She may appear to be a helpless, fluffy person but once in a relationship she will feel secure, and her reserve of talents and abilities will pour out in every direction.

In business, a Pisces woman will be best in creative positions and in public relations, but should not be expected to do the routine office jobs.

Pisces and Friends

In general, Pisces likes a friend who is useful and reassuring. In return, they will give unprejudiced understanding and loyalty to their friends.

Positive Factors

Pisces are emotionally attached to their friends and will rarely take notice if the friend is taking advantage of this involvement. Pisces are friendly, humorous, and caring friends, even if there are long periods of time between meetings.

Pisces will always think up something interesting to do and will enjoy any kind of artistic ventures.

Negative Factors

Pisces can be a confusing person, so arrangements may be difficult to make.

Pisces can sometimes seem to be cool and offhand. This is usually temporary and due to a moment of insecurity.

Pisces needs a hero or heroine to identify with. If a friend happens to be the chosen one, this can be pleasant enough but may become a nuisance when Pisces gives the friend talents he or she hasn't got and expects them to be demonstrated!

Pisces does not find it easy to conform; friends with conservative attitudes may find this a difficulty.

Piscean Likes and Dislikes

Likes

* seafood, champagne, and organic foods

* romantic places, sunsets over the sea, mountain vistas, waterfalls, ponds and waterlilies

* background music, poetry

* people who need their understanding

* mystical settings, candles, incense

* being loved

* freedom to drift along from time to time

* privacy

* colorful food

* personalized gifts

* presents wrapped in magical paper

* new books

* diamonds

Dislikes

* bright, noisy, crowded places

* dirty, ugly objects

* being told to get a grip on things

* stiff clothing

* authorities

* people knowing too much about him or her

Piscean Health

Typical Pisces are healthy people so long as they feel loved and have an outlet for their dreams. Unhappy Pisces are vulnerable to problems arising from turning to drink, drugs, or other ways of getting relief from what may seem unbearable emotional insecurities.

Pisces often has to work hard to swim against the current that would pull him or her under. The constant effort of avoiding being sucked into oblivion is the cause of much distress to many Pisces, who, consequently, may suffer depression and other emotional problems.

Types of Sickness

Pisces may become forgetful when illness is about to strike. They may also suffer from the effects of too much wine or too many drugs. The sensitive Piscean psyche suffers greatly in times of stress and has little to draw on by way of personal resources.

A relaxed Pisces is the happiest person on earth. A chance to lie back, sip wine, listen to music and let the imagination wander is perfect bliss to Pisces.

Famous Pisceans

Sidney Poitier, Frederic Chopin, Meher Baba (mystic), Joanne Woodward, Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, Albert Einstein, Rudolph Nureyev

****

"Dislikes...dirty, ugly objects." Indeed!

La poésie volée

2008-10-04T00:51:00.006-04:00

It's an anniversary today. I just felt it was appropriate to mark the anniversary of my finding out the truth about the man I was planning to be with the rest of my life. The change in the weather that has come with this date brings it all back on some level. I'm happy in my life now. I'm glad I will never see him again. Everything - from my work to my relationship with my children and with myself - is better with him far away from me. But I was still hurt and betrayed beyond belief one year ago, and there are parts of me that won't forget, that refuse to forget. I think that's both good and bad. All I know is I've got some pretty serious scars, and right now I just feel sad about it all.

Eco at Emory

2008-09-30T00:11:00.011-04:00

I just learned like two weeks ago that Umberto Eco is coming to Emory to give a series of lectures. It's this weekend:

Event Schedule, October 5-7, 2008:

Sunday, October 5th, 2008
4:00-5:00 pm: Lecture: “How I Write”, Emerson Hall, Schwartz Center
for the Performing Arts
5:00-6:00 pm: Public Reception, Patterson Green, Goizueta Business School

Monday, October 6th, 2008
8:15-9:15 pm: Lecture: "Author, Text, and Interpreters", Sanctuary,
Glenn Memorial Church

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
4:00-5:00 pm: Lecture: “On the Advantages of Fiction for Life
and Death”, Emerson Hall, Schwartz Center
8:15-9:05 pm: A Reading by Umberto Eco, Emerson Hall
9:15-10:30 pm: Book signing by Umberto Eco, Emerson Hall

All events are free and open to the public. Tickets are not required.

*****

So then I found out that our department had been invited to have brunch with him on Sunday. Holy crap. Just our department. And him. Brunch. NOW I just got an email saying that the location for the brunch has been changed and will be held at the home of the Italian consulate, who has kindly invited us to gnosh at to her house in Buckhead.

Seriously, first Crispin Glover, now this. What the hell am I going to wear?

Hi Karyn!

2008-09-27T00:02:00.004-04:00

Thanks for checking my blog. Daily. Not much to see, I'm afraid, cause I'm too busy to write. But come back again, ya hear?

Celibacy rocks

2008-09-14T23:20:00.006-04:00

I am totally getting into this being alone thing. It may be the best move I've ever made for myself. I am focused, calm, productive and a nice mom. I don't have mood swings, don't worry about someone calling or making a date or missing a date or saying the wrong thing...it's all about ME!

I highly recommend shutting down the emotional and sexual motor to all you gals (and guys? I know nothing about y'all...) from time to time just to re-center yourselves. It's cleansing and strengthening, and a bunch of other new agey words. But seriously, I've never been happier.

Of course, if Crispin Glover wanted me, I might have to change gears a bit. And there was that dream last night totally out of the blue about me and Tommy Glavine. But hey, the motor's just idling, not off...

Busy busy busy

2008-09-08T19:19:00.004-04:00

I can't believe how much more work goes into teaching three classes as opposed to one. I've even taught all three of these before, and I'm STILL working non-stop to keep up! Part of it is that I'm hyper-vigilant about knowing what I'm supposed to do in class at any given moment. I hate getting caught halfway through a lesson and going "Huh?" and having it all fall apart.

So far the two language classes are going really well, though they had quizzes today and one of the classes is obviously needing some clarity. Is that my responsibility or the students'? Of course, I feel like it's mine, so I'm going to try to fine tune my lesson plans to be sure I'm being absolutely clear on what we're doing.

The other class, the detective fiction/film noir one, is kind of struggling along. I need help teaching literature, honestly, and I think I may have found a way to get it. But it's going pretty well. I'm trying to make them do the work instead of me, but still I have to come in prepared with zillions of questions each day, to kind of spur them on. C'est pas evident, comme disent les francais...

I leave you with Robert et Mireille. Welcome to my world:

From "Play," 1962

2008-09-01T16:32:00.001-04:00

Woman 1 : I said to him, Give her up. I swore by all I held most sacred--

Woman 2 : One morning as I was sitting stitching by the open window she burst in and flew at me. Give him up, she screamed, he's mine. Her photographs were kind to her. Seeing her now for the first time full length in the flesh I understood why he preferred me.

Man : We were not long together when she smelled the rat. Give up that whore, she said, or I'll cut my throat [hiccup] --pardon--so help me God. I knew she could have no proof. So I told her I did not know what she was talking about.

Woman 2 : What are you talking about? I said, stitching away. Someone yours? Give up whom? I smell you off him, she screamed, he stinks of bitch.

Woman 1 : Though I had him dogged for months by a first-rate man, no shadow of proof was forthcoming. And there was no denying that he continued as . . . assiduous as ever. This, and his horror of the merely Platonic thing, made me sometimes wonder if I were not accusing him unjustly. Yes.

Man : What have you to complain of ? I said. Have I been neglecting you? How could we be together in the way we are if there were someone else? Loving her as I did, with all my heart, I could not but feel sorry for her.

The Crispin Hendrix Experience

2008-08-30T18:32:00.006-04:00

Here's kind of what I saw:

What's interesting is how different my performance was. Crispin's voice didn't have that high pitch, which makes this seem more comedic than it was last night. Our performance was much darker, and while funny at times, drew on a different part of the audience. I like how his energy level and his own mood completely change not only the mood of the piece, but the meaning.

In Atlanta, he was at the Plaza Theatre on Ponce, which as he said is an old vaudeville theatre, later made into a movie theatre. The segment seen in this clip is from the first part of the evening. I think he really dug the environment, and let it kind of inspire him, for it was much more dramatic and less frivolous than the clip above. The physical setup was different as well. In Atlanta, he stood on stage in front of a large screen, and the pictures from the book were projected behind him. There was a spotlight on his face and shoulders, and the rest of his body was sort of in shadows. As he read, he did a kind of physical performance as well, periodically gesturing to the screen, melodramatically.

As far as the reading itself...I find it really interesting what he's doing with language. His books are actually old books he's found and then gone into and blocked out sections or deleted entire pages, and written and doodled on. When thus altered and re-read, the words take on entirely new meanings, or shades of meaning. Regardless of what he said to me last night, I find the whole process totally surrealist - there we sit, waiting for the 'story', and all we get is this stock almost-narrative, with recognizable forms, themes and images (death, love, revenge, childhood, maternity) but no actual meaning other than what we bring to it, and draw out of it.

This reading/performance sets up the next portion of the evening, the film itself. I won't go into the film, as it's virtually impossible to discuss. It's something that has to be seen, as so much of it is visual and experiential. But I will say that the process of viewing runs parallel to the experience of watching Crispin read from the books. There are glimpses of things...images, actions, dialogue...that sort of draw on stuff in the viewer's mind, but don't do anything else. Most of the film is told in the viewer's mind, based on previous knowledge or experience. The images simply serve to pull out what's already there. Brilliant.

The last part of the night was the best in many ways. As Crispin said, he travels with his film, partly because he's very protective of it, but also because it provides a kind of interactive viewing experience not found very often anymore. For me, his being there was crucial, partly because of my insane admiration (= schoolgirl crush) on his cute ass, but also because so much of the film depends on the interaction before and after the film. Like he said, in keeping with the vaudeville history of the theatre, his presence and performance is essential to how we experience the film, as it frames the viewing, both temporally and visually, completely coloring what we see when we view the film.

Plus he's cute as a doll. Did I mention that?

Should I go back tomorrow night?

2008-08-30T02:03:00.010-04:00

Saw Crispin Hellion Glover tonight...spent four hours watching him perform, seeing the film, What is It?, listening to Q & A, and then spent a moment having a book signed, picture (forthcoming!) made, and chatting with him. He's lovely, charming, warm, friendly, and real smart. Damn. I got a big crush now.

So should I go back to see him again tomorrow night? Or would that just make me a creepy stalker?

...cough cough...

Barack Obama

2008-08-28T23:05:00.004-04:00

I got all choked up watching Obama accept the nomination tonight. I was so blown away by his speech and his ideas and his intelligence and his presence I don't even know what to say. Normally I don't take any interest in politics whatsoever, but tonight was surprisingly emotional for me. I'm very moved by what Obama is all about. God bless.

Men I'm Obsessed With, Part I

2008-08-04T23:48:00.008-04:00

I have a few celebrity crushes, I admit it. Today we will discuss one.

Crispin Glover.

Crispin is a guy I'd be really good pals with if we moved in the same circles, or if we were in high school together or something. He embodies everything I go for in a man...he's talented, very intelligent, and wonderfully insane. There's something about him physically too that drives me wild. I like imperfection, and his slight off-ness, both physical and otherwise, is just fabulous. Here's a clip from a 1991 movie, "Rubin and Ed," in which he stars with Howard Hesseman:

Though I love this film, my favorite one of his is called "Little Noises," which stars Crispin, Tatum O'Neal, the guy who played Rachel's boyfriend, Joshua, on "Friends", Rik Mayall from "The Young Ones," among others. It's a beautiful movie, really funny yet really sad, too. It has one of the most beautiful kissing scenes ever. I can't find even a teeny clip of it anywhere, which is a shame. Here's the only photo I could locate out there:

While I love the crazy, off-the-wall, experimental nature of what he does, the truth of the matter is that his intelligence pulls me in more than any other quality. I love how he knows he's smart and creative in a way that lots of mainstream people just don't get, and he isn't afraid to let you know it. Crispin has this way of talking that makes me want to jump in and argue with him. Like here, as he discusses the role of Grendel, which he plays in the recent film "Beowulf":

And here, as he discusses, among other things, his film, "What is It?" I have one of the books that he has in his lap, by the way. Autographed. Oh yeah.

Artaud would be so proud!

In putting this blog entry together, I went to his website, www.crispinglover.com, and found that he is making an APPEARANCE in Atlanta at the Plaza Theatre in three weeks, screening his movie "What is It?" and (gulp) signing autographs. Holy crap. Wish me luck...

Baudrillard - La Disparition Du Monde Réel

2008-08-04T02:23:00.001-04:00

Now it's THREE years ago!

2008-07-31T13:04:00.000-04:00

I posted this a year ago. Now another year has passed. Is it time for another Rewind, kids?

Two years ago this weekend we were immersed in the blow-out that was Athens Rewind. Now it seems so long ago. Given the direction our lives have taken I can't see this event ever happening again. Here are some images from Athens then and, well, then again.

Oh yeah, we're still the coolest fucking people on the planet.

I stole this

2008-07-28T17:47:00.005-04:00

But I HAD to! It's so freakin' perfect.

Credit goes to Jessica at Go Fug Yourself.

I Fug to Believe

SPECIAL AGENT DANA SCULLY: Mulder. You made it.

SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER: Hey, Scully. God. Wow. Yeah, I jogged all the way here.

SCULLY: I can tell. Did you even shave today?

MULDER: You're not my mom. Speaking of, is that my baby?

SCULLY: Well, considering that I recall an incident in which you stole my ova from a shady and poorly-lit government facility and decided the best place to keep them was in YOUR FREEZER at your APARTMENT, I haven't the foggiest idea HOW I got pregnant.

MULDER: Didn't we have a baby toward the end of that last thing we did together?

SCULLY: Please, no one watched that. Personally, I'm hoping it comes out looking like Deputy Director Skinner.

MULDER: But...I'm so dreamy! We've shared so many moments where we ALMOST kissed, before being attacked by bees or any number of things!

SCULLY: Yes, but look at you now. You look homeless, Mulder. What is going on?

MULDER: I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. I miss Krycek. And the Lone Gunmen. And all the other moderately interesting people from the series that have been killed off, thus dooming us to appear in a movie with a bunch of tertiary characters that no one cares about.

SCULLY: I see your point. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just cranky, because I haven't eaten since six o'clock this morning and all that was was half a cream cheese bagel. And it wasn't even real cream cheese. It was light cream cheese.

MULDER: Let's go get you some popcorn.

SCULLY: Let's go get you some shampoo.

Marjoe Gortner Rocks

2008-07-24T16:30:00.012-04:00

The other night I watched part of a news broadcast describing a phenomenon currently going on across the country, a movement of young, "hip" evangelists touring the U.S. holding services for the masses. This particular show discussed one of the more popular of these preachers, Todd Bentley. Watching the show, I couldn't help but think of the similarities between what this guy is doing and the work of Marjoe Gortner in the 50's and later again in the 70's.

I have an amazing amount of affection for Marjoe, having seen the 1972 documentary he did with Sarah Kernochan and Howard Smith about fifteen years ago. He seems like such a good soul, caught up in a nasty business but sensitive to the intricacies of his religious power. Watching Marjoe for the first time I remember being surprised at his humor, his hip(pie)-ness, and the clarity and gentleness with which he was able to view his really screwed up childhood. To be honest, I always has a little crush on him after watching the movie.

Todd Bentley is a bit different, however. Like Marjoe, he is a young man of his era. His website gives a snappy view of his ministry, complete with photos, video clips, teachings and other resources, schools, and prayer requests. He even has a podcast. His website tells his story, of how having started out as a 'bad kid,' he was able to turn his life around, and now has his own ministry and works to save others.

In his late teens, Todd had a dramatic encounter with the saving and delivering power of God. This experience brought Todd out of a lifestyle of drug and alcohol addiction without cravings or withdrawal symptoms. He was also delivered from a lifestyle involving criminal activity, youth prisons, drugs, sex, satanic music and bondage. Todd's miraculous conversion to Jesus was much like the Apostle Paul's on the Damascus road. Todd was instantly transformed into a radical disciple and soul winning evangelist for Jesus.

This modern-day Marjoe is completely aware of his power but unlike his predecessor, he embraces it, intends it, holding tent revivals (or what passes as a tent revival in 2008) where the spirit of the Lord touches, heals and saves the participants. I've got nothing against this guy, honestly. He's doing his thing. But there's something too easy about his story...the redeemed bad guy preaching to the masses...it just doesn't move me the way Marjoe does. Something about him is just too glossy, too 21st century. Marjoe was so insane, such a victim (yet at the same time, not) of his parents' crazy religion and their early abuses towards him. He survived, he didn't make a big deal out of it, he thrived, he told his story, exposing the falseness of the revival preachers via the documentary, then moved on. I don't know, in the long run I just prefer the more 'real' story of Marjoe than the predictable one of Todd.

Thinking about these two men, I realize that they are in fact, complete opposites of one another. While Todd began his life a troubled youth, caught up in all the evils of the modern-day world, Marjoe was raised on the evangelist circuit, trained from his earliest years to preach the word, hold revivals, perform, save souls, bring in money. Marjoe rejected this life, exposing it as the sham he knew it to be, while Todd embraced it as his lifetime career. Both men were doing the same thing – evangelical revivals on a mass scale – at relatively the same time in their lives, yet one was on the way in, while the other was on his way out, moving to Hollywood and pursuing an acting career.

I don't know, I guess it's just me. You know I always love the bad boy. And in this story, the bad boy is definitely Marjoe.

Rock n Blues Camp, part III

2008-07-15T17:43:00.007-04:00

FINALLY! Some decent video shot by a fellow parent who had a tripod. I know I'm beating this into the ground, but PLEASE give these a listen. You'll see how good these kids really are!

ORZ, Texas Flood, which not only shows off my Nick's keyboard skills, but also Aaron's and Logan's guitar solos:

ORZ, Fame. This is a hard song to play, but my favorite part is how they nail the ending!

Ghostbustaz, Ghostbusters. Nick on sax this time. It was the last song of the night...and a great send off. The crowd loved it!

Yes, there were other bands that night...here's my favorite one besides Nick's. They're called Dad Jar, and I love their singer to bits! Here they do Born Under a Bad Sign:

Here's my second favorite band, Highway. Rumor has it these guys have a CD out. They've been together since Joe's camp a few years ago. This is an original of theirs, Kinky Wizard, aka We Aren't Good at Naming Songs:

And here's Joe jamming with the Ghostbusters band, doing What I'd Say. He had to use a lyric cheat sheet taped to the floor, which amazed even Nicholas! How could he not know the words already? No offense, Joe...

So much talent in that little group!

Chicago Joe's Rock n Blues Camp concert

2008-07-12T00:17:00.011-04:00

Last night was the big end-of-camp performance for the Chicago Joe musicians of week four. There were five bands in all, and they absolutely rocked the house! Nick's band, ORZ, played four songs: an original piece called Home, Stevie Ray Vaughan's Texas Flood, a crazy Black Keys song Strange something, and David Bowie, Fame. I must say, his band was the tightest, most fun, and had the best variety of songs. In my humble opinion...

Here's Nick nailing the synth riff in Fame. Please excuse the sound. I was right by the monitors and it was LOUD:

Here's Nick and Aaron, his best band buddy, at the dinner we had beforehand. Pylon fans and band members, note that he's proudly representing!

Below is Nick with Jeep, friend, counselor and carpooler extraordinaire. He was also in Talk Talk, as you may already have heard...

And this is Nick with the famous Chicago Joe, who made it all happen.

At the end of the show Nick was on sax, and he and another sax player and a trombonist joined the last band for this rousing number. They only added the brass section on Thursday night, but they nailed it and it was SO MUCH FUN!!! Once again, my apologies for the crappy sound.

In truth, everyone totally rocked last night...

Talk Talk update

2008-07-11T01:33:00.007-04:00

I talked to Jeep tonight. He told me all about his time with Talk Talk. He toured with the band for about a year, in 1984, and knows them all. Personally. He said what I figured he'd say, that he really doesn't know what Mark Hollis is doing, but that he bought a house somewhere in the country and has given up music. He said Mark was a private person, very uncomfortable with the public lifestyle and touring and performing. He said "He was a hard guy to get to know." I knew that. I could tell. Damn genius musicians and their quirks. Jeep told me that he was uncomfortable in the limelight, and felt awkward, and to cover it up he "often came across as arrogant." Yep, I completely get it.

Anyway, Jeep told me there are several videos from the tour he was on, and I've found a few. I had to search pretty hard to find him in the video, cause the Jeep I know has bleached blond hair and is 20 something years older than he was then. I figured he'd look a lot different back then, but he really doesn't He has dark short black hair, but other than that, it's him.

In this video of Dum Dum Girl, Jeep's playing acoustic guitar and wearing jeans and a jean jacket. At around 2:39 there are several shots of him. He's also the guy who is standing up on the drum riser a bit after that mark.

Here's another one, from the same tour. This time he's in a white tee shirt at the left of the stage. He jumps off the risers in a really rock and roll move at one point. I can't embed cause YouTube won't let me, but here's the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pW_3DcfoDLc

Hey, I think he's in this one, too! I'll have to ask him, but isn't that Jeep on the left playing his guitar way up under his arm? I'm almost sure it is:

WOW. I've watched this one before, and had no idea. I'm thunderstruck, only a much more clever word than that...

I'm honestly humbled and impressed, but not because Jeep was in a famous band. I know lots of famous band members. I'm overwhelmed caused Mark Hollis is an idol of mine, and to me is this mysterious, reclusive icon of popular music. I can't believe I know someone who knows/knew him. It's just too much.

Nick....wants to rock and roll all night...

2008-07-10T23:09:00.010-04:00

Tonight my son played his first gig as a musician. He's been in Chicago Joe's Rock 'n Blues Camp all week, and they have a big concert tomorrow. Tonight was their 'dress rehearsal.' It was amazing to see how much these guys, who didn't even know each other before Monday, have been able to learn in just four days. And they're all so calm and easy together. There are five bands in all...some of whom have played together for a while, others, like Nick's band, just formed this week. It's a great thing!

Here's Nick learning for the first time "Ghostbusters." One of the bands just decided to play it at the last minute, and needed sax players. Nick is in the middle here:

Next came Nick's actual band, the Orz. No, they wouldn't listen to MY ideas for band names. They played Bowie's "Fame," but the guy who was supposed to guest sing never showed, so some random audience member filled in on vocals. He was great. I'll post the video of these when I figure out how to transfer them, cause I shot those songs on the video camera.

The next song was Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Texas Flood." I was especially impressed with Nick's keyboard skills on this one. He's a natural. And I'm NOT bragging, I swear! Judge for yourself!

More tomorrow, after the real concert...

Talk Talk...Six Degrees of Separation

2008-07-06T23:23:00.014-04:00

Okay, I have this really fabulous neighbor named Jeep. He lives four doors down from me and is a talented musician and songwriter. I knew he had played in several band as a younger man in his native England, and now he works on the recording side of music. He's got a studio in his basement and is pretty successful recording mainly hip hop and rap musicians. Jeep is the fellow who took us to the guitar store back in April, helped Nick pick out the perfect guitar and gave him all kinds of advice. He's married to a beautiful singer and they have a daughter, Sophia, who's the smartest two year old I know. Their dog Charlie is my dog Jazz's boyfriend and an all 'round great dog. I adore them all.

This week Nicholas is attending a "School of Rock" kind of camp which is run by Jeep and Chicago Joe Jones and several other local musicians (above is pictured last year's camp group...see Jeep back center with blonde hair, Joe on the right with the dreads.) I was just on their website getting directions to the place for tomorrow morning, and I read this blurb on Jeep's biography:

Born in the United Kingdom, Jeep Hook began his career as a touring musician for Talk Talk, the hugely successful 80’s band whose song "It’s My Life " was recently covered by Gwen Stefani of No Doubt... Jeep was later signed to Virgin Records as part of the blue-eyed soul duo, Millions Like Us. Since then he has owned and operated successful recording studios in London, Los Angeles, and now in Atlanta with hookhouse studios.

I'm sorry...but I thought you said "touring musician for Talk Talk." Oh, you did? HOLY COW!!! I have known this guy for like six years, knew about the band Millions Like Us (because he has a big poster of it in his studio) but TALK TALK???? Do y'all know how much I love Mark Hollis? I don't think Jeep was actually in the band, but apparently he was their tour guitarist. Holy crap, this is huge.

Tomorrow Nick is riding to and from camp with Jeep, and you better believe I'm gonna get the whole story. I want to know where Mark Hollis is now. He's done quite the Rimbaudian thing, making a huge splash in the music world, writing beautiful songs and lyrics, recording those fabulous albums with Talk Talk, and later the one solo album, and then disappearing into the English countryside, never to make music again. I'll let you know what I find out. Maybe I can even get an email address or something. But of course I couldn't share that with everyone...so don't even ask...

This is one of the more hypnotic, haunting songs from the band's next to last album, "Spirit of Eden." If you don't have this album already, get it, turn it on, stretch out on the floor, turn off the lights and let it take you where it will...

My God, I love his face.

Fireworks

2008-07-05T01:11:00.012-04:00

These pictures were taken tonight by Nicholas. I love them, cause they look like underwater creatures, or galaxies or something.

Our young photographer:

Happy Fourth of July...

Horoscope for this past week

2008-07-04T01:40:00.005-04:00

Your Horoscope - Week of June 30, 2008

Mental confusion during the first part of the week is likely to have your heart tied up in knots. You may be getting mixed signals from the one you love, thus making it hard for you to know where you stand, especially after recent emotional upheavals. Slow down, take a deep breath, and meditate. Don't worry about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Just focus on yourself and ask what's going on within you. On Wednesday and Thursday sensitive lunar energy helps you connect more consciously to your emotions instead of getting spun around by movies in your head. Use this midweek period to tune in and speak clearly from your heart. Wednesday is also the time of this month's New Moon, the time for you to initiate a new beginning in the romantic realm. Instead of trying to play off the actions or reactions of other people, make a resolution within your own heart. Be conscious about what you want to manifest and make your wishes known to the one you love. Over the weekend, put serious issues aside and just have fun.

And I'm thinking this one is a few months late:

Your Lovescope - Tomorrow, July 4, 2008

The current planetary configuration means that someone you have been writing to over the Internet may become a lot more than a name in your in-box. There is every chance that a meeting between you will prove to very successful, and you will both feel as if you have finally met your soul mate. The conversation between you is likely to be strange, bizarre, and totally exciting.

Penis Envy

2008-07-03T02:39:00.003-04:00

My dear friend Chicken and Waffles had a link to this site posted on her blog last week. I just now clicked on it, and boy am I glad I did!

Here are a few of my faves:

Mr. Bigglesworth
Prince Everhard of the Netherlands
Rumpleforeskin
The Three Inch Punisher
Mr. Wobbly
Cockus Erectus
Adam Halfpint

There's even a form to fill out if you have euphemisms not already listed. I had three!! What can I say, I've dated some men (and I use the term loosely...) with creative minds. There's one term I didn't see on the list but I can't quite remember exactly what it is...somebody and his two somethings...? Anybody?

God, I'm easily amused.

Brilliant

2008-07-02T03:04:00.002-04:00

Ya think?

2008-06-28T21:11:00.007-04:00

Well this horoscope came about a week late, don't you think?

Saturday, June 28
Your affectionate energy could have psychological manifestations of a disharmonious character, such as jealousy, excessive attachment to your loved one, or trying to impose your whims on your mate by more or less subtle methods. It is advisable to become aware of this and to control certain instinctive tendencies that now could emerge.

Bwahahaha!

Actually, I'm tons better today. And yesterday, for that matter. I've been talking to my new friend who totally sympathizes with everything I've been through, cause she went through it, too. I've been working on my dissertation, actually able to focus on it and read some Foucault and stuff. The kids and I have been swimming pretty much every day, today narrowly escaping a thunderstorm and coming home for a real English tea. I feel fairly normal, and am forgetting what this man did to me, slowly slowly slowly...What sucks is that I still miss talking to him on the phone at night! Isn't that sick? He made me laugh like nobody ever has, and I felt a real serious connection to him. I miss the fun stuff about him, and in a way I wish he'd never woo'd me at all, but could have left it at friends.

I know, I'm my own best friend, I don't need anyone else, I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone else, blah blah blah. I get it, but it's still hard to give up someone you really dug. But I guess the important thing is that I dug a fantasy person that he created, not the real person I thought he was. It was just a game, and I was too dumb to know it in time.

Anyway, better. That's what matters.

"When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough?"

2008-06-21T00:41:00.019-04:00

That quote comes from Carrie, from tonight's rerun of Sex and the City. It's an appropriate episode for me, cause I've been to hell and back once again due to relationship issues. I realize it's been an ongoing topic for us, dear reader, but it's really gotten bad around here. Carrie and Big have such a similar relationship to me and the guy I was dating. I never realized it before but the pull me in/push me away thing is really hard to live with. And it makes you crazy. And I shouldn't have done it.

I went too far this time. I should never have let it go on as long as I did. It ended very very badly, and though I feel like he deserved my screaming and crying and general psychotic break, which in fact sent me to the hospital again, I regret two things. Well, these two and a few more:

First, I called him names - asshole, fucker, liar, user - and while some of those may be in fact true, I had worked so hard to get to a place where I could be honest about my feelings, no matter how awful they were, without attacking that I'm very ashamed to have hit below the belt like a cheap bunny boiler.

Secondly, I said something about his daughter. That is unforgiveable. I have nothing against that young woman; in fact, I feel sorry for her. She didn't ask to be used as a foil in her dad's emotional unavailability, that was his doings. But she's there...the reason we couldn't be together... and I said something along the lines of "Fuck you and your daughter" and threated to come to their house like a goddamn idiot. That's just wrong.

But otherwise, it was a fair confrontation. He was not honest about what was happening between us. He kept saying he wanted us to be friends, but then would call and tell me he loved me. I'm not even sure if I've told the entire story here, so I think I will purge if you can bear it, reader.

We met online, though we actually knew each other in real life. But we 're'connected online. In the beginning, I just thought "Wow! What a fabulous and interesting and smart and funny guy!" but soon it turned into some serious flirting. Then one night he sent me his phone number, I sent him mine, and he called. We talked till I think 3 am that first night. And thus began the four, five, and once even seven- hour phone calls, which included literary talk, movie talk, music talk, Bob Dylan imitations, phone sex, him crying for various reasons, saying he loved me and me saying it back, him calling me his girlfriend, saying things like "How is it we didn't find each other before?" and "I love you because you understand me" and "You really do love me, don't you?" and us sharing way intimate things and me loving it and beginning to love him. Heavy stuff, and for me, just the fucking right thing at the right time. I completely fell for him.

Then suddenly, he told me in April we had to be just friends, cause his daughter had overheard us having sex at their house on my birthday weekend, and she freaked out. This was really upsetting to me, cause I'd felt him pulling away from me and didn't really understand why, especially cause then he would always come right back and be very sweet and loving. But if this was the case, I had to accept it. So I told him "I need to not talk to you for a while and get to where I can actually think of you as a friend and not a lover. I need to go off and lick my wounds." He said fine. But we never really DID it, cause I had asked if we could talk about it in person (this was all via email) and he had said "Of course! I never intended to break up via email." So when we finally did, all these other issues he seemed to be having came out - our living so far apart, us not being able to see each other regularly, his inability to keep dates if something came up with his daughter -and I said "Look, I don't care about the FORM of the relationship, as long as we're committed to making it work however often we see each other, I'm game." He seemed really excited about it, saying "Oh wow! I didn't realize that was an option! I can try this! No...I WANT TO try this." We came up with an agreement that we could indeed date, and I told him "Hey, I have more time than you. I can come to your house" and he was happy with that, saying "That's great. I can do that, it's just hard for me to get away for like an entire evening, drive to your house, and then drive back." We kissed goodbye in the parking lot, and said "I'm glad we worked it all out."

But by the time I got back home, he was pulling away again, coming up with things like "This isn't fair to you...what if there's some guy right down the street you aren't available for because you're with me, but who might be able to give you everything you need?" and "You're gonna get tired of me just like they all do." At that point, I didn't know what to do. It was like he really did want to be with me, but was worried and lacked any self-confidence. Being the person I am, this really got to me, and I said "Look, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be with you, not some random local guy" and tried to reassure him. He'd come back, then go away, then call and say "I love you" and "We should just sleep together and not worry about it" and "This thing between us is serious."

Finally it ended with him telling me completely randomly one night "I can't do this. We have to be friends". We were both drunk and it ended in a big fight, after which I told him I really needed to cut all contact. He agreed. This lasted from a Saturday to a Tuesday night, when I got a text "I hope you're doing well." Idiot that I am I couldn't NOT reply...I missed the hell out of him...so I replied. We fell right back into the old pattern. Which ended again when we agreed to get together when I came to Athens one Sunday and then as I was leaving town to come see him sent me a text saying "Sorry, I already have plans this evening."

Well, that seriously did it. But no! It still wasn't over. Back and forth, back and forth, me trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and him trying to make me feel better, I now think. But shit! Until the last few weeks he still seemed so interested and wanting to pursue something but just afraid to do it. I looked at my text messages a while ago and like three weeks ago he wrote me saying: "Bring it. Bra and panties only" in response to me telling him I was about to drive to his house. I mean, we were totally still flirting and stuff...and even after that he told me that he loved me, several times, once saying something I remember so well: "I like you far too much for my own good."

Anyway, it ended on Sunday, Father's Day, appropriately enough. I finally confronted him about everything, saying that I didn't get the whole daughter thing, that it just didn't make sense, and he said "Well that's the truth, and I think we just need to take some time apart, like you said, cause at this rate it's going to be impossible for us to ever have a friendship," and I said that my gut told me he wasn't being truthful, and that there was somthing more to the story. "Look, I'm a big girl. Just tell me if there's someone else you're dating, cause I have a weird feeling there is," and he said "Well, yes, I am interested in someone else and we've been dating." And I said "How does daughter feel about that?" and he said "She's rolling with it."

Naturally I lost my shit. Having had the daughter displayed for weeks and weeks as the reason we couldn't be together, hearing that she's 'fine' with him dating this new person was just too much. I've tried so hard to hold myself back when I'd get frustrated or angry, telling myself "This isn't Paul, this is a real man, and he's not a liar." Well, guess what folks...

So there you have it. I think in the end he's just a sad scared man who can't let himself have anything heavy or meaningful cause he can't control it when it gets messy. At the same time he's a user who goes from new exciting relationship to new exciting relationship, stopping before it can get deep. But either way, I'm hurt.

Sorry, for the way TMI, but what's a blog for anyway? Now I'm just numb, sick inside, wishing I'd stopped months ago, just to have saved face, cause now one of his friends has now deleted me from her social networking site and I'm sure all of Athens now is like "Oh yeah...we're so vindicated...we knew she was crazy." Well, maybe I am.

"Did I ever love Big, or was I just addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?"

So, have I learned anything? Sure. I now know that love is a slow process, and that if someone is rushing it that is a very bad sign. I know that it shouldn't be easy, but it damn sure shouldn't be so unbearably difficult, either. I know that if someone gives you a different reason why you can't have a relationship every time you talk about it, there is another reason he's not telling you, and it's not worth fighting it. I know that I should have waited a real long time after the horrible breakup of last year to even try anything with another man. I know that I don't want a relationship anymore.

I feel better having just put it all down on paper, as it were. I am focusing on the good things in my life now. Rosie's birthday slumber party is tomorrow night. Nick has been invited to join a cool teenage band. I have a job coming up that I'm going to love. I have an airline ticket I didn't use in November, that I just found out I can use for any destination in the U.S. So it's all good. I'm just full of regrets tonight.

Kind of funny

2008-06-08T02:10:00.002-04:00

I found this on someone's Myspace page...it's called "Imaginary Bitches, Part 6." Don't know about parts 1-5, but this is pretty funny...

Reading and other grownup activities

2008-06-04T22:25:00.001-04:00

Thanks to my good friend, Mike in Austin, I have discovered this cool site and have invited many of you to join. Ahem. It's really a nice diversion, since I've got NOTHING I SHOULD BE DOING. Well at least it's literary, and it makes me feel smart. It's called Goodreads, and it's an online community of readers. Go check it out, it's fun.

I'm having a funky funk of a week. I don't know what to do about my life. It's all a jumbledmess and now I'm feeling like I'm a total selfish bitch for fixating on what I want when others are involved and I fear I'm no longer respecting their needs. I can't seem to find boundaries or direction anymore. Gah. So I'm burying myself in reading. I've just finished American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. It was a damn rollercoaster ride of a book...scary, compelling, funny, horrible. I love a serial killer, but this was something totally different. Upsetting, but in a good way, which makes it even more upsetting. Now I'm getting into my next book, Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco, a total change of pace. It's difficulte to navigate, but really worth the headache. I'll keep you posted.

Tell me something, people, how do you make decisions? Faced with a really hard decision, where there are two options, both of which will result in a lot of pain, how do you decide? Vague, I know, but I can't get into it. So just speaking generally...how do you proceed with painful decisions?

A Stah is Born

2008-05-27T01:58:00.015-04:00

I'm going to share with you some fabulous images from the modeling competition Rosie was in a few weeks ago. First, her talent. It was a dance/dramatic interpretation/jumping around offering:

And here's the runway portion:

Is she a nut or what?

Now, on to more serious things...my garden. I took up gardening when we moved into this house, and then when I started grad school, began to neglect it. Now I barely plant annuals at the beginning of spring/fall. But I try to keep it up enough to still have lovely colors and shit. Here are the fruits of my (coughcough) labor:

That's a Japanese maple, obviously, flanked by azaleas and with some purple thing from the neighbor's yard in the background.

Here are some lovely little things I planted in amongst the (damn taking over the garden) daylilies. Aren't they sweet?

Next is my favorite...but don't tell the other plants. It's my New Dawn trailing roses:

And a faraway shot:

Actually they aren't my favorite. I don't have a favorite. Look at these amazing peonies. I neglected to get a photo of them on the bush, and now with all the rain we've had they've fallen over so I'll just show you this one of the incredible blooms in my living room:

They smell AMAZING. Okay, here's my favorite tree in the back yard. I swear it's got a soul:

And one last shot...my hellebores. I like them cause they have a lot of personality, and are very hardy:

That's it for now. Come back tomorrow, when we play "Meet the Pets"!

Summer, sex, city

2008-05-22T23:35:00.010-04:00

The kids get out of school tomorrow, therefore for all practical purposes IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER! We're going to the pool, then heading to the Mexican restaurant with a bunch of friends and staying up really late tomorrow night, just because we can. I don't want to be overly optimistic, but I do feel like I'm coming out of the shadows I've been in for a few days. Or weeks. I'm happy about summer, not worried about the past, gonna buy a new car and write my diss, I'm looking forward to the new job, only smoking one or two ciggies a day, and I just might head off to the beach by myself pretty soon if I can find some money. I guess sometimes you really have to let yourself live through bad stuff and fears and sadness and it will eventually pass. I sat and cried for about three days, and once that was over it was all gone. I think most of this was leftover crap I never dealt with from last year. Anyway, I'm back to normal. Big sigh of relief.

Okay, the Sex and the City movie comes out a week from tomorrow. I've been thinking about the show, and how much I adore it, and came up with a few of my favorite episodes:

-The episode where they go to the wedding of the character played by Nathan Lane, and Charlotte and Harry dance together and you realize that she really likes him...that whole episode is very sweet.

-The one where Smith cuts his hair all off cause Samantha shaved her head after she started losing her hair to chemo. He loves her...

-Another one - when Miranda's mother dies and the girls all show up and as she's walking out of the church she sees Steve and Aiden came too....that part always makes me cry.

-One more! The episode where Carrie meets up with her old fling, played by David Duchovny, and it turns out he lives in a mental institute.

OH and look! I found the perfect Carrie quote for me this week:

Later that night I got to thinking about the x-factor. In mathematics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what's really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an ex. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder... can you be friends with an ex?

I wish I had their gams...any of them. OH how I love this show...counting the days till the movie! I am so excited about this I can't stand it. Discuss.

Jobs and love

2008-05-16T20:14:00.007-04:00

I got the job! It's very exciting, but also a little nerve-wracking. I have three sections to teach each semester, but luckily only two preps. But even so, that's more than I've ever had before. I get to put together a film class, and I'm thinking a cross-cultural film noir American-French kind of thing. That will be loads of fun, provided they have a decent projector in my classroom. Their facilities are less than the style to which I have become accustomed.

Now, onto something that is really bothering me, my ongoing murky relationship with this man I'm crazy about. Here's what keeps happening that puzzles me: He and I make contact, by email, text, phone, whatever. We have a lovely series of emails, texts, or a lovely four-hour chat. I feel close to him and I think he's feeling close to me. Then the next day, he pulls away again, is busy, has no time, or just isn't around. I feel okay with it, cause we had the night before and I know that he is whatever he is, and needs some space. Then the next day, ditto. I make an attempt to contact him, he replies, in a friendly, non-committal way. That's fine. Kind of. Then nothing. Then I get worried, cause my insecurities pop up to say "Are you crazy? He's obviously hiding something from you!" Then I get past that, cause I am wiser now, and think "Give him a break. He loves you, this is just all he can handle right now. Remember you're not IN a relationship." And everything is fine again. Then he calls, we have another four-hour conversation, he tells me he loves me and it starts all over again.

The problem is that we are in a relationship, just one that has no real name. Or parameters. Or touching. That's actually okay. What bothers me is that there's a big gap that I'm afraid is not going away, like EVER. I can handle waiting. I can handle weirdness. I understand how hard it is for him. But I feel like I'm in Groundhog Day a little bit. Is this what he meant when he used to tell me "You'll get tired of my shit too, like they all do"? Does he push people (women) away until they finally have no other choice but to actually GO away? Is this the "we drifted apart" I've heard about...in truth a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of drift? Intentional but not intentional..? I want to stay around, I miss him when he's not in my life, but I guess I'm beginning to feel the strain. Sunday he completely blew me off in a very cold way, and I have to ask myself if he's not trying to tell me to go away without having to tell me.

Well I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna have to figure out how to work this friend-/relationship, cause I am not giving up on us. It's too important.

And he's the best.

Friday, May 23, Fabulous Forty Watt Club. Be there or be L7

2008-05-14T00:27:00.004-04:00

I would venture a guess that Dexter and sister Sara rival the greatness that was Dexter and Crow. Of course, we're all older now, but still. Compare:

You know what I love about Dexter? Every time I see him he asks me about French poetry stuff, and quotes me some Baudelaire. Only he calls him "Charrrls BOW-da-layer." What a doll. Who would think Dex loves Bowdalayer?

Go. See. Them.

Music an' shit

2008-05-13T01:28:00.012-04:00

I have Sirius radio. I got it from the kiddos for Mother's Day. It's the most amazing thing...I think it's changed my life. I find myself going on unnecessary errands now, which is really great considering the price of gasoline, but I don't care cause the pleasure I experience from the music playing in my car makes it all worth it.

Tonight I met Domenica for pinot noir at Apres Diem. We got a bit tipsy. On the way home I loudly blared various stations - my fave is "First Wave," which plays stuff from the late 70's and early 80's, as one might expect by the name. It's fabulous. I heard this song just as I got in the car, which I swear I've never heard before. It blew me away, partly because I am drunk, partly because it so goes along with my mid 80's vibe of earlier in the day. It made me miss Kris Clower again, really badly. Great song...

That thing he does with his voice at around 2:05...then again at 3:04...I love it. I sang it over and over all the way home. What a great pop song. What funny lyrics. I've always had this I-know-he's-gay-but-so-what crush on Morrissey. Now I remember why.

Then I changed the station, and heard this, another blast from the past:

I hate ELO, I thought, but man...what a great song this is - the harmonies...the sentiment...the melody...the memories from high school. Just lovely. I can't wait to go somewhere tomorrow and listen to more.

Bad episode at Bloomingdales...

2008-05-12T18:13:00.008-04:00

When my person and I first started communicating back in early February, he wrote me about a "bad episode" he had earlier had on Amazon, during which he made a massive purchase of some fancy All Classic Movies of All Time, which included 100 films on a rolling tray contraption. He obviously spent a lot of money on it, and it was a hilarious story, but I remember thinking, "Why would you do that?" I've always loved shopping, but have never gone and bought shit just to feel better. Well, today I realized the soothing calm that comes from overspending on something you don't really need. I went to Bloomingdale's with my daughter after I got home from my disappointing Athens trip. All I needed was some facial soap, but Rosie insisted we shop. Since I was feeling really blue I decided what the hell, I love to shop, so off into Lenox Mall we went.

Oh the beauty of Lenox! When I first moved to Atlanta after college in the mid-80's, I spent much of my life at this mall, and in fact worked in the men's fragrance counter of Macy's for a while. Being there again made me feel like it was 1986 and I was out with Kris Clower trying on clothes and shoes and buying lots of makeup and stuff getting ready for a Saturday night at Weekend's. It was invigorating. We went to J Crew (ooooooooo!), Coach (aaaaaaaaa!), Kenneth Cole and the Mac store. I don't have a Mac...I don't even like them...but heavens! This store! It's all music and light and pretty people and pretty toys...I decided I need a iPod Touch. It was sooooooo beautiful. And there was some fabulous speaker system thing to go with your iPod Touch that I need too. Rosie and I played with it and searched for the Killers and played "Jenny" and "Andy" and "On Top." Bad choice, cause the Killers always remind me of him, so I got all sad. I bought them both. Egad.

Then back we went to Bloomingdale's. We had moved on to the upstairs level of Lenox by now, so as we entered the store we found ourselves right at the beautiful women's clothes. I perused some swimsuits...lovely...and some skirts...gorgeous...then suddenly I spotted the most beautiful dress I've ever seen. It's white silky (but not shiny) soft material, and tailored just right. It's sleeveless and hugs my waist and makes my bottom look really cute. I bought it. It was $200. Is that bad? I guess not really, but I sure don't have any money right now. But at least I look fabulous.

Men. Who knows what they're ever thinking? I console myself with fashion.

Athens

2008-05-11T22:58:00.009-04:00

Woohoo! I'm in Athens again. I came up tonight so that I can go see Joel Black, a very cool comp lit professor who wrote a book I'm using in my dissertation called The Aesthetics of Murder. I highly recommend it to those who are interested in the crime of murder. We have an early morning meeting, after which I have no idea what I'll do. I thought I was getting together with a person dear to my heart, but it looks like it may not happen. I have no idea why...

So I'm sitting here in a hotel room, alone. It's kind of nice...I love hotels anyway, and it's nice to be able to do whatever I want. I had dinner tonight at the famous Taco Stand. BBD and QO, with chips and a half order of guac. As far as I know, I'm the only person who eats this particular combination. Ha. It was fabulous to be here again.

Anyone out there want to do lunch tomorrow?

I'm just going back to fantasy

2008-05-09T01:52:00.001-04:00

Cause reality sucks.