ciao manhattan

Halloween girl party!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:07:00 +0000

Why do I agree to these things? Oh yeah...cause it's fun!

So busy

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 20:57:00 +0000

I am probably going to have to discontinue this blog, at least temporarily. Obviously I haven't posted anything since July so I'm off to a good discontinuation start!

Here's the deal: I have one more chapter to finish in my dissertation, three that need to be revised, and an October deadline. I am teaching full time again this semester, and while it seems as if it will be an easy one, there are still lesson plans to write and papers to grade. Not to mention the still unplanned film festival I'm supposed to be in charge of. I also have my Darlington reunion in a month, which I am also in charge of. Then there are the kids and their school issues. Mainly there is my sweet lover boyfriend best friend angel, who takes up all my thoughts all day and most of the night.

We've been together since June, and I am pretty sure (well, okay, totally sure) this is the real deal. Unfortunately he lives in Valdosta, give or take a few miles, and we are trying to get him here, which takes up more time. I am not complaining, though. He is the kindest man I have ever known, and funny and smart and exciting. So all that to say, if I have to give up something, it has to be the blog.

I know you all understand, sad as you may be...I'll be back when things slow down!

Man in my life

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:05:00 +0000

So who would think I have the capacity to love someone again? Okay, I would...obviously a couple of bad rotten apples aren't gonna freeze up my heart. But damn...this one came out of nowhere and totally swept me away. Paul Burke, yes THAT Paul Burke, and I are together. He's smart, sweet, funny, cute, kind, sexy...everything anyone could want. And he loves me. Wow.

We sort of knew each other, or rather I knew him, or rather I knew OF him, back in the early Atlanta music days. He's been in lots of (really cool) bands and stuff, and was part of the whole Now Explosion scene, and the American Music Show thingy that was on cable, and all kinds of performance groups an stuff. So we started talking on Facebook and we were both like WOW. You're kind of awesome. And then we met up in Macon (cause he's not local, damnation) and bing...everything clicked into place.

I gotta say, this is the best man I've been with, ever. And he's a better fit than anyone has ever been. Ever. So pardon me for gushing but YAY LOVE!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention he's also an actor? And really really funny? And an amazing writer? And avant-garde like no one I've known before? Well now I did...

Am I beaming enough?

Burke

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:12:00 +0000

Old photo, new favorite person in the world.

Happy Father's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:44:00 +0000

Just missing my dad today. Kind of blue. He was a sweet, smart, loving father, and I'll never have anyone love me that much again. Love you, dad.

NED Fest

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:08:00 +0000

We had a throwdown Friday night in Athens, and I've just about recovered enough to write about it. A few months ago Lynda

Lynda shows KO how it all works

said she was thinking about getting Oh OK together to play a benefit for Ingrid, and wanted to know where I thought would be a good place to hold it. She said she was looking into getting some more bands together and maybe have an art auction too. I said to contact Little Kings, which she did, and voila! NED Fest!

Beautiful artwork from Michael Oliveri, Sam Seawright and Andy Cherewick

First of all, Ingrid is our lovely sweet talented FUN friend who is beating breast cancer's ass for the second time.

The Lovely Ingrid

She had it once before in 1995 (is that right, Ing?) and had been cancer-free until this year, when they found something under her arm. She has undergone six rounds of chemo and is facing it all like a total trooper (not moany groney at all!) and since she's way up in Boston, we wanted to do something to help her out, long-distance wise. NED stands for "No Evidence of Disease", Ingrid's goal which she will reach, I have no doubt. So NED Fest seemed appropriate as the title of the party!

Volunteers extraordinaire Rebecca, Amy and Asia

I enlisted KO, planning superstar,

The Lovely KO

and we got Kim too, since she has gallery experience, and we took over the auction/art side of the night, while Lynda focused on bands and t-shirts. We ended up with fourteen artists, 23 works of art, one vacation package, three yoga packages, a book package, two REM collectors' items and two sets of jewelry sent in by two different jewelers. We raised $5000 on the art, door donations and t-shirt sales, plus another $5000 someone donated in an anonymous check.

Sunny, KO, Marianne, Lynda and John, with birdhouse he won

Here are some action shots of the evening:

After the wonderful event at Little Kings, after we finished up the bands and closed the auction and distributed the goods, we went to KO's room at the hotel for an after-party. Of course, things soon devolved into old school craziness which lasted till 5:00 am:

All in all a great success! And only a teeny hangover on Saturday!

Hellooooo

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 27 May 2009 07:41:00 +0000

I'm super busy, but wanted to drop in and say hi to my faithful readers. TONS of news but it will have to be posted after my trip to Athens. More later.

"Normal people are so hostile"

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sat, 02 May 2009 04:42:00 +0000

That's a quote from Dexter, my favorite show and my ultimate hero. If you've never seen the show, he's a serial killer who only takes out bad guys. But mainly he's incredibly hot, and smart, and just all around fabulous. He often says fabulous things, like the title of my post. It fits today but I won't bore you with details. I just want to give a shout out to my charming visitors, and the occasional pesky nosy neighbor, who shouldn't be on my blog in the first place:

Next, to the real world. Last weekend turned out to be a complete blast, only to be followed by this week which has also been amazing. I'm finished for the year! Yippee! All that is left to do is to finish the dissertation and I'm golden. Life is good.

I'm working right now on a chapter on theater and mimesis, focusing on Genet and Artaud in general and Les Bonnes in particular. It's added a whole new dimension to the dissertation, which feels much richer now. If only I could make all the chapters feel like they fit together. But they all seem almost independent of each other. Chapter one covers the traditional murder narrative, the expectations of readers and analyses of a few early stories. Chapter two discusses the Papin sisters, their crime, testimony and trial, looking at how this true crime refuses incorporation into any traditional murder narrative. Chapter three examines the killer and the female as other, beginning with Aristotle's designation of female as monstrous and working towards other types of alterity created by/confirmed in their crime. Chapter four discusses theater and its ability to incorporate this monstrous other into the self, thus being the sole medium able to tell the story of the Papin sisters in a way that captures the essence of the women and their crime. Anyway it's exciting to get back to writing and to leave teaching behind for a while.

Here are a few images from various productions of Les Bonnes. The first is from a Theatre des Halles in Avignon's 2006 production of the play:

I love this set, from Teatro Altrove in Genova, 2008:

And this amazingly beautiful stage set by Alain Ollivier from the Studio-Theatre de Vitry in 1991:
What I would give to be able to actually see this play! Is anyone putting it on anytime soon?

Okay, back to work...

Going to Athens

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 20:31:00 +0000

Cathy and I are heading up to Athens tomorrow. I'm excited but at the same time kind of not. We are going to a huge celebration in honor of John Seawright, a most beloved human being (see here and here,) and a party afterwards. I am happy to see all the people who will be attending, and hope to see my crush there, but there's also the ick factor, also known as "What if Paul and Ugh are there?" I doubt they will be, honestly, but you never know. If there's free booze and the possibility of getting high, Paul just might show. I shouldn't let it bother me; like Cat says, if they are there I will just hold my head high and ignore them, knowing how far beneath me they are. But still, I don't want to have to LOOK AT THEM and have it ruin my day. But my crush will be there, and lots of other fabulous people, so fuck em.

Good things about going to Athens tomorrow:

Cathy

Athenians I love

John Seawright
KO
TStand
Bad things about going to Athens tomorrow:

Paul
Ugh
Okay, the good outweigh the bad. Just pray for me, people, that it turns out to be a drama-free visit, in the spirit of the sweetheart that was John Seawright.

Vacation, kids and ghosties

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:56:00 +0000

I've been so negligent of my blog. I guess that is good and bad: good in that I've been very busy, bad in that I'm getting lazy and out of the habit of writing. Not to mention the fact that nothing REALLY is going on in my life. There's no excitement, no love affairs, no heartbreak (well, let's face it, I'd rather have no love affair than a heavy affair and breakup. Or would I?), no breakthroughs in my work. The semester is winding down...thank God!...and I'm just in cruise mode for the next two weeks.

One exciting event is that last week was the kids' spring break and we took a trip to Chattanooga. Wait...let me back up... first we had several surprise gatherings. One at Deb and Tom's house, which was loads of fun (cookout, good conversation, relaxed evening outside,) and then several with Nick and Rosie's friends either here or elsewhere, so it felt like they were really on vacation, though we didn't leave town till Thursday.

Read House, haunted hotel, lobby

So, Thursday we took off for Chattanooga, our vacation-destination-when- we-can't-afford-a-vacation destination. It's always a fun time, and this visit Rosie and I were determined to see the ghost of room 311. I had researched the ghostly stuff in some detail this time, and I knew the room would more than likely be empty, as they don't assign it to people unless they request it. As soon as we arrived we wandered the halls, to see if we could find someone to let us in the room. Alas, there was no one around.

Oooo spooky. So we wandered around exploring the hotel. Here's some cool stuff we found:

Original elevator sign

Original phone booths

Service area staircase

Then, back in our room, where I took more pictures. And lo and behold: Orbs!

The next day we did the usual Chattanooga things, had a yummy dinner at the Blue Water Grill, then came back for more exploring. This is a fabulous old post office downtown:

And an art deco beauty, "The Times":

And then there's Roy's Grill, possibly in an old Krystal, apparently vacant, sadly:

Saturday we took off for Mom's, but not before MORE exploring, this time around the Chickamauga battlefield. Very beautiful but kind of too much to get to today. Tune in next time for "Ghosts on a Confederate Battlefield"...

Shooting in my neighborhood

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:39:00 +0000

This morning Sean called me after taking Nick to school. "The house across from Rosie's school has police tape all around it, and there are police everywhere. Be sure the alarm is on and the dog is in; something's going on." I later learned that the man who lives in that house, a parent at my kids' school, had been shot minutes after he walked his kids to school across the street and was coming home to get in his truck and go to work. He later died at the hospital. The whole story is here

Needless to say I've been freaked out all day. They locked down the school, but no one gave us any news or details about the crime. Everything I know I've gotten off the internet or from the news. Apparently there were two guys who shot this man, and they were seen running down LaVista Road afterwards. But even though the school was taken off lockdown after a couple of hours, the news reported tonight (and it says in the above article) that one of the killers was thought to still be in the area bordered by LaVista, Frazier, Lawrenceville Highway, and Montreal....the exact area where we live!

But tonight it seemed to have calmed down. I even took the kids and their sleepover friends out for ice cream, coming back into the house in the dark. Then about an hour ago the police helicopters started up, hovering over our street, shining the lights in our backyard. It's scary as hell.

I am upset for so many different reasons. I keep thinking about that poor dad, saying goodbye to his kids, maybe talking about the weekend or what they were going to do that night, kissing them, telling them to have a great day, and walking away. Those poor kids (aged five and 10) had no idea they were saying goodbye forever.

Then I think about my own kids, and how scared Nicholas was when he got off the bus. He had heard it through the middle school grapevine, and didn't know what was really happening. I had become more and more relaxed about letting him walk places alone, and walking the dog with a friend and the like. Now I'm going back to being lockdown Mom. I hate that.

And I'm just afraid tonight. We have the alarm on, the dog is in, logically I know we're safe, but I know that guy is out there somewhere, and more like him. We aren't ever really safe.

Happy Birthday, Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:25:00 +0000

Today is my sweet dad's birthday. He would have turned 73 today. I miss him. This picture is from his last birthday, March 23, 2006. He was turning 70. He left too early, and it's never been the same around here without him.

More old photos

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 03:32:00 +0000

Julie and Rick, Berkeley, 1993. He was my boyfriend for many years, and this was a visit just to reconnect as friends. Well, that didn't work!

I'm getting obsessed with my past...need to read some Proust and let it go, maybe. But instead, today I scanned some old pictures I found so I could post them on Facebook. I was surprised at how much time has passed since they were taken. It still seems like just a few years ago, but the first bunch was in Paris in 1991, and the second in San Francisco in 1993...hang on, kids, cause that was 18 and 16 years ago respectively...children have been born and grown up in that time!

I guess it just makes me feel funny because I miss that time, and it doesn't seem very long ago. But my whole life is different now. I wasn't particularly happy back then, but I guess the difference is that I had time, lots of time, both to do stuff, like go to France and San Francisco, as well as the time in front of me as far as the future goes, years and years ahead of me to explore, meet people, change my life, then change it again.

Plus I looked so cute. I know I'm fine and all that now, but I just looked so lovely in these years, which represent my early thirties. I thought I was old when I hit 30, but I wasn't. It was a good time, health-wise, beauty-wise and love-wise. It makes me sad that all I am doing now is getting older, trying not to look it.

I'm not complaining, honestly. Just wondering how it all works. I mean, when do I actually get old, and stop wanting? Am I getting close? I'm not there yet, but I will be one day. No one wants to be 70 years old, but it happens. I'm too young to get old.

Julie with Rick's bike, a 1968? 1972? I can't remember BSA that he loved. We rode it across the Golden Gate Bridge in a raging wind. I thought I might fall off but I didn't.

On our bike ride over the bridge. It smelled like eucalyptus everywhere.

Paris, with my boyfriend Laurent. 1991

Me and my best friend Betty, in Paris. I've kind of lost touch with her, and she was my very best friend for years and years.

Blast From the Past

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:36:00 +0000

For some reason I'm totally freaked out by this. I found some very old friends on Facebook, and have reconnected not only with them, but with the person I was back then.

My whole life has been a series of starting over, of getting settled somewhere, then having to move and be the new girl again. Seeing these pictures reminds me of who I was at that one moment in history, when I was for one of the only times in my life, well-adjusted. We lived in Houston, Texas, and I was about 13 years old in these pictures. We had moved to Houston from Beaumont, Texas in the middle of fifth grade, and I had to start school in March of the last year of grammar school with a bunch of kids who'd been together since kindergarten. It was fine, though, as they were all really nice kids, and my teacher was a particularly kind ex-football player, who loved to impress us by tearing the Houston white pages in half with his bare hands. I still remember being shown to his class that first day, while the students were all out at recess. He chose a desk for me which was next to a girl who he knew would be nice to me, and then he sat down beside me and kind of took me under his wing, saying "You are going to just love it here, and if anything happens that bothers you, you be sure to tell me."

The next year I went to Spring Forest Jr High School, which was right next door to Meadowwood Elementary where I had been for fifth grade. There I made a lot of new friends, and for the first time began to feel like I really belonged somewhere, like I was accepted, 'cool', able to just be, and go with whatever I felt. I remember so many little bits and pieces of those years, the trashy teenage books we read, walking to school from my house with friends, or walking home, having lunch in the cafeteria which played the cool local radio station over speakers during lunch. I still remember hearing "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr, "The Loco-Motion" by Grank Funk, "Rock On" by David Essex, "Hooked on a Feeling" by whoever that was ;-), "Nothin from Nothin" by Billy Preston. I remember smoking cigarettes for the first time on the back of the school bus on the way home, going to band class (where I was first chair flute for many a month) and having sleepovers and painting our fingernails crazy colors. And I remember the crushes I had on various boys, the first time I remember really thinking about the opposite sex: Karl Gruhlkey, John Mays, and the ultimate crush of all times (and quite ironic in that he and I were both shy and NEVER said a word to each other) Dennis Blaine. I was pretty, I had friends, and I loved my life.

Now I look at these images of myself and get really sad. I miss that girl, and I find myself wondering who I would have been if I had stayed in Houston instead of moving first to Pensacola, Florida, then back to Rome, Georgia. I know it's ridiculous to even go there, but I honestly think I would have been a very different person, more secure and less self-conscious, happier maybe, more myself somehow, the me who is hidden under all these damn layers.

Anyway, thanks to Sarah and Kelly and Hale for welcoming me back into the Texas fold. It is wonderful.

Happy Birfday to me

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:12:00 +0000

I am celebrating this year with a bunch of friends in an Irish pub, then with my kids, then with Morrissey. It's all good, except the turning 35 part...

Randy Bewley Funeral Services

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 04:23:00 +0000

Randy Bewley

Visitation
Friday February 27
6-8 p.m.
Bernstein Funeral Home
3195 Atlanta Highway
Athens, GA 30606
Funeral Service
Saturday
1 p.m.
Emmanuel Episcopal Church
498 Prince Avenue
Athens, GA 30601

Randy at Rewind...

Prayers for Randy Bewley

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:04:00 +0000

Randy is being taken off life support this afternoon at Athens General Hospital. Please pray for him.

**Update** Randy died today a little before 5:00 pm following a heart attack and car accident that occurred on Monday in Athens. Randy was the guitarist for Pylon and a dear friend. He was a wonderful person who will be very greatly missed.

Sigh

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 02:33:00 +0000

Could he be any better?

Watching him speak to Congress tonight is inspiring me all over again. Maybe I'm just a foolish, romantic American girl, but he makes me proud and hopeful every single time I see him. This broadcast also makes me realize how amazing it is that we got him elected. Love me some Barry.

Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:26:00 +0000

I took the kids to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre at the Fox today. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing - I heard one of the dancers being interviewed on WCLK radio on Thursday, and remembered how wonderful this show was when I saw them back in the late 1980s. I got tickets and off we went.

The performance was divided into three segments: Go In Grace, a recent piece from 2008, Suite Otis, a tribute to Otis Redding from 1971, and finally my favorite, Revelations, from 1960. The opening piece was such a disappointment, much more theatre than dance, and not even very good theatre. It was choreographed by one of the dancers, Hope Boykin, and is performed to the music of Sweet Honey in the Rock. It completely fell flat, and I was embarrassed for having gone on and on to my children about how wonderful the show was going to be. There were too many people onstage, the costumes were bulky, not allowing the viewer to see the dancer's body at work, the story was preachy and unclear, and worst of all there was a hearing impaired interpreter onstage at all times, "translating" the words of the songs and much of the time blocking the dancers. It was not worthy of the name Alvin Ailey, and caused me to worry about the future of his troupe. I looked for a clip to post here but couldn't find one. Small wonder. (Read more about recent Ailey choreography here)

Suite Otis began and I whispered to my kids "Now THIS is what it's supposed to be like." The dancers came out dressed in pink, against a black background. Each song was choreographed around an Otis Redding song, and delivered what you expect from the troupe - color, fluidity, sublimity (is that a word?) and moments that left the audience stunned by their beauty. I later discovered it was choreographed by George Faison, not Ailey himself. I wish there were a clip of this on YouTube but there isn't. Here is a still that I found:

The final piece is the Ailey masterpiece, Revelations. It didn't fail to impress, as always, with the Negro spirituals, the beautiful costumes and the incredible fluid lines of the dancers' bodies, both individually and as a group. The opening segment, "I Been Buked", caused Nicholas to turn to me and say "Ohhhh, I see now...even though they aren't dancing together, at the end you see that they ARE!" Yes! The kid gets dance! Here's an excerpt from this segment...sorry I can't embed, and just fast forward past Judith Jamison to about 1:17. And if you want to watch the whole thing, it comes up chronologically on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDkt-7ivp9A

I hate to sound negative about something I love so much, but I hope the troupe doesn't stray too far from Ailey's original mission. They should stick to the basics, that's where the beauty of the company lies.

Nick and Rosie leaving the show. It was a blustery day...

Cemeteries and family, aka Julie and Mom's adventure

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 04:08:00 +0000

This summer, my mom took me on a crazy adventure looking for our ancestors' graves. It's all part of this equally crazy attempt to get us into the Daughters of the American Revolution. Crazy because I can get in on my dad's side without any problem, as my aunts have already traced us back basically to Charlemagne or something. But Mom wanted me to get in on HER side of the family, so she could do it too. So she's been consulting a geneologist, who advised her to find the gravesites of these certain ancestors and photograph them for some unkonwn reason. Like that's gonna prove we're descended from them. Maybe Mom misunderstood. In any case, one exquisitely hot Friday, we took off for Conyers and Lithonia, the little Georgia towns (now basically Atlanta suburbs) where my mom's mom and dad were from, respectively. First we went to the graveyard where my grandfather's mother and father are buried, and took pictures.

Rock Chapel Methodist Church, Lithonia, Georgia

My great-grandmother, whose name was actually "Martha". It bugs my mom that her headstone says "Mattie", cause Mom is named after her.

Next we were off to look for this lost cemetery where some distant ancestors are buried. Mom had heard of this graveyard from her cousin, Robert Ragsdale, who went there years ago with his uncle (my grandfather) and his dad (my mom's uncle, or something.) He had given us these really funny directions: Take Rocksprings Road until it turns into Hwy 124. Go to the third red light after the first hill. Turn right on some road with "lake" in the name, and just before you get to the lake there's a road off at an angle to your right. It's a dirt road. Turn right and go until you see some power lines. The cemetery is in the woods just about halfway up the hill.

Here's what we finally found, after several phone calls to him ("Julie, you know the last time I was up there was with your grandfather, my father and Uncle Louis. I musta been about 17. It probably looks a little different now!")

That's Mom climbing up towards me. I had already forged ahead and spotted markers in the woods. Robert told us on the phone "I told y'all to wear sturdy shoes and long pants, didn't I?" Mom had forgotten that. "When I went the last time, I was covered with ticks when I got home!"

We finally found the motherlode, and it was well worth the heat, the long climb and the ticks. (Yes, I was covered, too.) Here's mom finding our ancestors.

I love this little cemetery. How did it end up like this? Was there once a church? There's absolutely nothing around that indicates a building, nor is there any evidence of a sign or any ruins. Nothing except some power lines and some awful new houses. But it's beautiful back in there.
It's called Anderson Cemetery and it's in Gwinnett County, but I can't find any more information about it online.

Regardless of the details, we got the information and the necessary photos. As a matter of fact, we're being inducted into the DAR this Saturday! Yay Julie and Mom!

Transitions and rituals

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:47:00 +0000

Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I've been really hurting lately and wondering if this hole in my heart will ever heal, and if I'll ever be able to let go of what I lost when Paul betrayed me. I'm honestly surprised that it's still with me to the degree that it is, even given the severity of everything that happened. And then I thought back on my friend Lukas and his tattoo, which he spent the better part of Saturday night showing me and explaining his motivation for getting. At the time it seemed melodramatic and a tad drastic, but talking to my therapist yesterday about it, something clicked in my head and it suddenly dawned on me why he had gotten that tattoo. I had been trying to explain to her how much of Paul I'm still carrying around with me, and that if I could just take this pain out of my heart and do something with it, I'd feel a lot lighter. I can't carry it anymore, honestly. Then it hit me...what a perfect way of marking the pain in a visible and beautiful way by burning it onto another part of my body, purifying it, localizing it, once and for all making it small and moving it away from my core.

All that to say I'm going to get a tattoo. I want to feel the hurt of getting it, and celebrate it as a way of moving on beyond the pain of Paul and into a new era. I can't carry this around anymore in my heart, honestly I can't take it anymore. So I welcome the pain and the beauty that I know will result. Now I just need a design. Here are a few I've considered:

Each of these knots represent either healing, unity of soul, heart and mind, strength or power.

I realize that the pain is not going to go away on its own. What Paul took from me is not the ability to trust someone, or to feel love again or anything trite and soap opera-ish like that. He took something deeper, and that's why it won't stop hurting. When we were together I was beautiful, young, special, irreplaceable and most importantly I could be myself. I'd never experienced that before, and haven't since, to not have to pretend to be witty or interested or interesting or anything other than who I am. I'm mourning that, cause I don't ever feel it now. I play at being a professor, or a student, or mom or a good friend. I can't get back the feeling that I can let down my hair, be myself and it's okay. I realized today that what he gave me was a soft place to fall, and most of all, the security that he loved me no matter what, and there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. I didn't have to BE anything, and it was okay.

But there was something that would make him stop loving me, that I did have to be on my guard, and when I wasn't, he replaced me. Now I'm stuck in that self-consciousness I've had my whole life, that if you don't act a certain way and say certain things people won't like you. It's what I've fought against my entire life, but Paul, whom I loved and trusted, verified it as actually and in fact, true. I don't want to believe that, because surely it isn't.

Despite the fact that a year and a few months have passed, I still am in the same pain and loss as October of 2007. I want to move beyond that and I need something tangible, a ritual of some sort, to mark the move away from that hurt and betrayal and into something positive, where I am the center of my being. I don't know if that makes sense, but this tattoo seems like the perfect way of getting there....burn it, let it go, leave something beautiful permanently in its place.

Well, fuck me

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Fri Jan 9, 5:06 pm ET

NEW YORK – They play brother and sister on "Dexter." Now in real life, Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are husband and wife. Hall's spokesman, Craig Bankey, said on Friday that the couple eloped in California on New Year's Eve. They'll walk the red carpet together at the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday — the first time publicly acknowledging their relationship.

Hall, 37, and Carpenter, 29, just finished the third season of "Dexter," the Showtime series in which Hall plays the murderous title character. They've been quietly dating for about a year and a half.

At their wedding, Carpenter's grandfather's wedding band was attached to her bouquet of white roses.

Porn Bailout

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 04:02:00 +0000

Some of you may know that I write porn. Shocking, I know, but it's a fun hobby and I've been told I'm pretty good at it. The truth is I'd love to publish the stuff, sell it and actually make a little extra on the side. But I may have waited too long. I just read this article and began to worry. It tells of the money woes being faced by the porn industry. Did you know that adult DVD sales and rentals have decreased by 22 percent in the past year, and that the past three years have seen a decline in overall porn revenue of 5 billion dollars, as well as a 20 percent decline in paying customers to porn sites?

Some effects of this downturn? Porn producers are resorting to cutting extras from their movies, which translates into more "solo" efforts, or at the most a simple "boy-girl" movie, where a few years ago there was plenty of money to burn on three or four extras to wander into the living room/pool cabana/hotel room/hot tub and liven up the scene. And porn stars like actress Jenna Presley (pictured above,) who has her own website, is having to make cuts in other areas. "I’ve got to stop paying guys and girls to perform with," she laments, saying that instead, she's striking deals with other sites to cross pollinate, as it were, posting their videos on her site and allowing them to post her clips on their sites.

To remedy this situation, Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, Mr. Girls Gone Wild, have asked the government for a 5 billion dollar federal bailout. I kid you not. And why shouldn't they? If John Smoltz can leave the Braves because he feels a 3 million dollar contract just isn't enough, why not? This is a worthy cause, and I urge you all to write your congressmen and show your support. After all, as Larry says (and this might be my favorite quote ever):

“People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in a news release. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex.”

Amen, brother Flynt!

Unseen photos redux

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:10:00 +0000

The universe keeps sending me old photos of me and Paul. What is that about? Friendly reminders to remember the good? Painful reminders to remember how much it hurts? Something cosmic that I don't understand?

Anyway, here are today's offerings, thanks to Sunny Shropshire, who uploaded these today to her Facebook account. She and her kids met up with us on our beach trip to Seagrove with KO and Alan and their family. So cute! First is Paul with an unusually fat tummy:

Then Rosie, who is either playing Paul's harp or the one he bought for her:

And KO is in lovely black and white, for some reason:
And this one, which makes my heart hurt, cause once again, body language, baby. Why I look like a fat pregnant whale, I have no idea. I wasn't! This is Sunny, KO, me and Paul:

Ah, memories. I don't understand why people keep sending me these images, but I'm keeping my New Year's promise to remember the good, let go of the bad, and move on. Hard to do, though. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. KO and I had planned this trip for ages, and it was going to be my first family vacation without Sean. I was very excited about it, except for leaving Paul behind. Luckily, he decided at the last minute that he couldn't be away from me for a whole week, so he drove through the night to get to me. Awwww! Of course, the week ended on a less than sweet note, with him yelling at Nick while drunk and us having the first of several breakups. We made up, obviously, cause we couldn't bear to ever be apart. How did that change for him, I wonder...

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 03:09:00 +0000

Here's to a peaceful year full of healing and love. In 2009 I'm gonna change the way I live. Vague, I know, but it's something I need to do. It feels like it's time to reconnect with things and people who are real. Last year I learned all about sitting and being quiet and listening to what I need. I learned to live in the moment and not fret about what was or what is coming. But though I learned it all I haven't put it to use in my life. I think it's time.

So here's to a good year ahead for everyone.